odds & ends

11 Things: Odds and ends

Thursday, May 29, 2008

1. 1-in-1 chance:

That you are reading this right now.
That you are alive.
That you are mortal.

2. 1-in-2 chance:

That an American marriage will end in divorce.
That Clinton supporters will support Obama when she drops out of the race.
That she'll drop out of the race.

3. 1-in-3 chance:

That the war will end.
That the president will play golf again.
That conservatives will claim victory either way.

4. 1-in-4 chance:

That McCain is as "fit as a fiddle."
That you understand what "fit as a fiddle" means.
That you understand what McCain means.

5. 1-in-5 chance:

That you knew May was National Masturbation Month.
That May is somehow different from April.
That kids are giggling.

6. 1-in-6 chance:

That you knew the Butthole Surfers were reuniting.
That you knew it was the original lineup of the 1980s.
That they'll actually make it to the West Coast.

7. 1-in-7 chance:

That you agree "Monkey Man" is a better song than "Apeman."
That you understand the difference between monkeys and apes.
That creationists hate fossils.

8. 1-in-8 chance:

That you've already seen the new Weezer video on YouTube.
That you recognize every meme in it.
That you recognize the word meme.

9. 1-in-9 chance:

That you've heard of Slacker radio.
That you've tried it and liked it.
That you'll thank me if you haven't and you do.

10. 1-in-10 chance:

That you fully comprehend the difference between odds and chance.
That I fully comprehend the difference between odds and chance.
That the differences will be described as odd.

11. 1-in-11 chance:

That people will refer to this column as esoteric.
That I won't know what they mean.
That we'll say "precisely" at exactly the same time.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/29/NSFB10U57G.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle

no wave

11 Things: No wave

Thursday, May 22, 2008

No Wave is nihilism. No Wave is minimalism. No Wave is music. No Wave is film. "No Wave" is a recent book by Marc Masters with a foreword by Weasel Walter. No Wave is their book tour in the Bay Area this weekend. No Wave is the following interview with Masters. No Wave is an interview with no questions:

1. No: "The entirety of No Wave is contained in those two letters. Short, blunt and potent, the word represents all the possibilities in rejection and resistance. Contrarian to the end, No Wave even said 'no' to its own existence."

2. New York: "No Wave could only have happened in late 1970s New York. Abandoned and insanely cheap, the city offered desperation and potential in equal measure."

3. No New York: "The Brian Eno-produced compilation - featuring Contortions, Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, Mars and DNA - wasn't the best or most important No Wave record. But without it, a lot less people would've heard of No Wave."

4. No Wave versus New Wave and punk: "No Wave took from, reacted to and rejected New Wave and Punk. As Weasel puts it in the book's foreword: 'No Wave truly screamed, 'F- you all! I don't want to be like you!' Punk said, 'F- them! We don't want to be like them!' See the difference?"

5. Obscurity: "No Wave records and films have always been hard to find. It's fitting that a movement that dodged definition and defied convention takes work to discover."

6. Influence: "No Wave is hugely influential, but very few bands sound like the original No Wavers - because they didn't even sound like each other."

7. Mars and DNA: "Mars, the first No Wave band, deconstructed rock in just two years and 11 songs; brother band DNA featured Arto Lindsay speaking in fervent tongues."

8. Lydia Lunch and James Chance: "The two genius brats of No Wave. Lunch refused to please her audience, preferring to alienate them; Chance literally confronted his, physically attacking them."

9. Soho: "The neighborhood that No New York forgot had tons of great No Wave groups, particularly Theoretical Girls, whose Glenn Branca later injected No Wave into modern classical via his guitar symphonies."

10. No Wave Cinema: "No Wave filmmakers - Eric Mitchell, Vivienne Dick, James Nares and Beth and Scott B. - put the music's aggression onscreen, using musicians as actors and screening in rock clubs."

11. Marc Masters and Weasel Walter: Sign copies of "No Wave" and play music at 2 p.m. Saturday at Amoeba Music, 1855 Haight St., San Francisco; read and host Death Sentence: Panda and Ettrick at 9 p.m. Saturday at 21 Grand, 416 25th St., Oakland; and play No Wave videos at 5 p.m. Sunday at Artists' Television Access, 992 Valencia St., San Francisco.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/22/NSO510P0H2.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

twitter

11 Things: Twitter

Thursday, May 15, 2008

1. I am pondering an 11 Things column on Twitter right now. I am assuming that everyone knows what Twitter is. I am assuming those that don't won't mind if I continue ...

I am hoping.
I am hesitating.

2. I am sending you the following message: "I am pondering an 11 Things column on Twitter right now. I am assuming those that don't won't ..."

I am anticipating.
I am demonstrating.

3. I am reviewing items 1 and 2. I am pondering the fact that you are currently reading item 3. I am hyper ...

I am texting.
I am hypertexting.

4. I am explaining how Twitter works. I am microblogging. I am watching you roll your eyes. I am rolling my eyes because you are rolling your eyes ...

I am posting.
I am connecting.

5. I am realizing I don't want everyone to know what I'm doing right now. I am realizing I want everyone to know that I don't want everyone to know what I'm doing right now ...

I am confounding.
I am defying.

6. I am swimming in technology. I am noticing that the waves are quite large and the water's quite cold. I am drifting farther out to sea ...

I am waving.
I am drowning.

7. I am turning my stereo way up. I am opening up my windows. I am kicking open my doors ...

I am yelling.
I am screaming.

8. I am typing "I am turning my stereo way up. I am opening up ..."

I am listening.
I am enjoying.

9. "I am I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair ...

I am
I cried"

10. I am taking a step back and reading items 1 through 9. I am writing. I am rewriting ...

I am rereading.
I am pausing.

11. I am submitting this column to my editor. I am typing, "I am submitting this column to my editor ..."

I am smiling.
I am twittering.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/15/NSJ210KTFC.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

mother's day

11 Things: Mother's Day

Thursday, May 8, 2008

1. Wikipedia: "A mother is a biological and/or social female parent of an offspring. In the case of a mammal such as a human, the biological mother gestates a fertilized ovum, which is called first an embryo, and then a fetus. This gestation occurs in the mother's uterus from conception until the fetus is sufficiently developed to be born. The mother then goes into labor and gives birth. Once the child is born, the mother produces milk in a process called lactation to feed the child; often the mother's breast milk is the child's sole nourishment for the first year or more of the child's life."

Mom: "Wiki ... what?"

2. Aristotle: "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."

Mom: "We adopted you, so we both know you're ours ... or not. OK, next one ..."

3. Pink Floyd: "Mother do you think they'll try to break my balls?"

Mom: "Yes."

4. "Blade Runner": Holden: "Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about ... your mother."

Leon: "My mother?"

Holden: "Yeah."

Leon: "Let me tell you about my mother ..."

Mom: "Damn replicants."

5. James Joyce: "Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not."

Mom: "Are you sure you want to use a quote with the word 'dunghill' in it?"

6. Oscar Wilde: "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

Mom: "It would be tragic if you mentioned this to your sister."

7. Homer Simpson: "You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

Mom: "Hmm ..."

8. Toni Morrison: "Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? In my heart it don't mean a thing."

Mom: "Precisely why I keep sending you socks and underwear."

9. The Who: "I went back to my mother/ I said, 'I'm crazy, ma, help me ...' "

Mom: "She said, 'I know how it feels, son/ 'Cause it runs in the family.'"

10. Oliver Wendell Holmes: "Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all."

Mom: "My secret hope is that you'll make your bed someday."

11. Yours truly: "Happy Mother's Day, Mom!"

Mom: "Thanks, Tim! ... Who is this for, again?"

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/08/NS3F10FRAU.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle

over-caffeinated

121 Things: Over-caffeinated

Thursday, May 1, 2008

1. The top 11 over-caffeinated drink names (one word): Amp, Blow, Chic, Crunk, Guru, Havoc, Hype, Ludicrous, Mother, Superfly and Vamp.

2. The top 11 drink names (two words): Amp Overdrive, Beaver Buzz, Blue Jeans, Dark Dog, Go Girl, Howling Monkey, Pimp Juice, Socko Slim, Whey Up, Whoop Ass and Xyience Xenergy.

3. The top 11 drink names (three words): Faygo Moon Mist, Fever Stimulation Beverage, Kaboom Infinite Energy, Mana Energy Potion, Nuclear Waste Antidote, Orange County Choppers, Propel Invigorating Water, Pure Cofain 699, Ruby Red Squirt, Rumba Energy Juice and Who's Your Daddy?

4. The top 11 drink names (at a highway truck stop around 3 a.m.): Ammo, Battery, Bawls, Brawndo, Burn, Fuel Cell, Full Throttle, Hydrive, Monster, Ol' Glory and Rage.

5. The top 11 drinks (total caffeine): Fixx (500 mg), Boo-Koo Energy (360 mg), Redline Power Rush (350 mg), Wired X344 (344 mg), Starbucks Grande Coffee (330 mg), Spike Shooter, All City NRG and Viso Energy Vigor (300 mg), No Name (280 mg), Starbucks Tall Coffee (260 mg) and Redline RTD (250 mg). (Over-caffeinated information courtesy of www.energyfiend.com).

6. The top 11 drinks (caffeine per ounce): Ammo (171 mg/ounce), Redline Power Rush (140 mg/ounce), Mana Energy Potion (118.52 mg/ounce), Powershot and Skyrocket Caffeinated Syrup (100 mg/ounce), Stok Black Coffee Shots (90.91 mg/ounce), Fuel Cell (90 mg/ounce), Upshot (80 mg/ounce), Jolt Endurance Shot (75 mg/ounce), NOS Power Shot (62.5 mg/ounce) and your average cup of espresso (51.33 mg/ounce).

7. The top 11 food names (two words or less): Bawls Mints, Crackheads, Headshot, Moovitz, Rocket Chocolate, Stay Alert (U.S. Army), Sumseeds, Think Gum, Turbo Truffle, Umph and Zingos Mints.

8. The top 11 food names (three words or more): Black Black Gum, Blitz Energy Gum, Buzz Bites Chocolate Chews, Foosh Energy Mints, Kickbutt Amped Energy Ballz, M-60 Energy Mints, Mad-Croc Energy Chews, NRage Energy Strips, Oral Fixation Night Light Mints, Shock a Lots Chocolate Coffee Beans and Warp Energy Mints.

9. The top 11 activities: Flinching, hyperventilating, laughing, peeing, pooping, running, screaming, shaking, tossing, turning and twitching.

10. The top 11 problems: Agitation, concentration, degeneration, disintegration, disorientation, exaggeration, inclination, intoxication, irritation, moderation, palpitation and perspiration.

11. The top 11 synonyms for my thoughts: Blather, claptrap, gibberish, insanity, jabberwocky, lunacy, mumbo jumbo, nonsense, poppycock, prattle and twaddle.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/01/NS4310D6PS.DTL