haiku

Haiku

Thursday, November 29, 2007

1. Haiku:

Counting already?
That's correct. 5-7-5.
Really quite simple.

2. Life:

Life is poetry.
What? Nobody mentioned this?
Take a look around.

3. The Bus:

Was riding the bus.
Crazy guy sat down nearby.
Began throwing sporks.

4. Children:

The kids are screaming.
It's seven in the morning.
Just glad they aren't mine.

5. Winter:

Cold nights, frozen toes.
Where's my electric blanket?
Post-modern Linus.

6. Holidays:

Christmas already?
Yearly consumer nightmare.
All the money's gone.

7. Technology:

My computer died.
Enjoy the schadenfreude.
I'll be breaking things.

8. Television:

Pharmaceuticals.
TV ads so full of them.
Many side effects.

9. Public relations:

No time to reply.
Too busy working right now.
All apologies.

10. Dreams:

That's me over there.
Shaking my fist at the sky.
The sky wonders why.

11. Time:

November's over?
You've got to be kidding me.
Was just about to ...

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/28/NSM4TJ950.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

121 things to be thankful for

121 Things: To Be Thankful For

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

1. The restaurants (and crazy good food): Mum's, Art's Cafe, Taqueria Cancun, Little Baobab, Rosamunde Sausage Grill, Tadich Grill, Kiss, El Tonayense, Arinell Pizza, Iroha and Yum Yum House.

2. The bars (and lost memories): 500 Club, the Homestead, El Rio, Sadie's Flying Elephant, Latin American Club, Toronado, Zeitgeist, Gestalt, the Uptown, the Phone Booth and Bender's (which is reopening soon).

3. The clubs (and found memories): 12 Galaxies, Great American Music Hall, Mezzanine, Bottom of the Hill, Cafe Du Nord, Hemlock Tavern, Annie's Social Club, Bimbo's 365 Club, Slim's, the Make-Out Room and Thee Parkside.

4. The serious songs (and fond memories): "Another Girl, Another Planet" (the Only Ones), "Where Were You?" (the Mekons), "Doin' It Again" (the Feelies), "Gotta Getaway" (Stiff Little Fingers), "Bastards of Young" (the Replacements), "Neat Neat Neat" (the Damned), "New Noise" (the Refused), "Rockets" (Cat Power), "Teenage Riot" (Sonic Youth), "In Sadding Around" (Jawbreaker) and "Life Is Grand" (Camper Van Beethoven).

5. The goofy songs (and fun memories): "Age of Pamparius" (Turbonegro), "Shake Your Rump" (Beastie Boys), "Hey Hey What Can I Do" (Led Zeppelin), "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)" (AC/DC), "I Wanna Be Sedated" (the Ramones), "Bitchin' Camaro" (the Dead Milkmen), "Little Guitars" (Van Halen), "Push th' Little Daisies" (Ween), "Saving Up for My Space Ship" (Earthlings?), "TV Party" (Black Flag) and "Wot?" (Captain Sensible).

6. The Web (and constant flow of information): SFGate.com, Salon, Slate, BBC News, Mother Jones, Vice, SFist/LAist/Bostonist/Gothamist, Boing Boing, Defamer, Gawker and Wonkette.

7. The voices (of sanity in an insane world): Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Seymour Hersh, Frank Rich, Maureen Dowd, Arianna Huffington, Robert Scheer, Paul Krugman, Bob Herbert and Tom Tomorrow.

8. The freedom (to speak out): Against war, torture, corruption, lies, deception, fraud, greed, cronyism, negligence, incompetence - and the freedom to be elsewhere when these matters are brought up at your dinner table later today.

9. The being (old enough to know better and young enough not to care): Vim, vigor, fun, desire, determination, passion, patience, attitude, fortitude, independence and perseverance.

10. The friends (old and new): Tom, Eric, Tashalex, Kim, Jimmy, Charlene, Sean, Rich, Rych, Ryan, Todd and all the crazy people out there in cyberspace.

11. The family (always, always, always): Mom, Dad, Amy, Jeff, Matthew, Adam, Uncle John, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Mary Lou, Uncle Emmett and Uncle Joe.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/21/NSPVTFBDM.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

procrastination

11 Things: Procrastination

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

1. Call your friends: Make sure to talk to each one for at least half an hour.

This helps them procrastinate as well, and creates a glorious chain reaction all over the world. OK ... good ... we're only on item No. 1 and we're well on our way to being well on our way to avoiding well on our way.

2. Fresh coffee: Make it immediately.

Better yet, head to a nearby cafe. San Francisco has one near every liquor deli (i.e. the place where you'll stop and loiter after drinking your coffee).

3. Grab a newspaper: Maybe this one.

Geez, I'm not in marketing ... oh wait ... if you're reading this, you're already here. Right, right ... OK, skip Nos. 1 and 2. What? You read them already? You were supposed to be procrastinating!

4. Dwell on No. 3: Get seriously confused.

Talk to yourself about it for a while, until you get to the bottom of things. When you get to the bottom of things, be sure to exhale ... and order another cup of coffee.

5. Pretend: You're under the gun.

Look at the clock. Tell yourself you have until __ to get __ finished or __! Or what? Exactly! Well, let's imagine the possibilities ... and take our sweet ol' time.

6. Vacuum: Now.

Tell yourself you have until __ to get all your vacuuming finished or __! It's a well-known fact that the only time vacuuming ever gets done is when you're avoiding something else. Fortunately, right now just happens to be one of those times.

7. ... is missing: Figure out where it went.

Unless, of course, you were with me at No. 3, and you skipped ahead. If that's the case, we've both reached procrastination nirvana. We get to skip Nos. 8 and 9 and go directly to No. 10.

8. Check: Your e-mail.

Especially if friends in item No. 1 said they were going to forward this column to you. If they did, please note that Nos. 1, 3, 4 and 8 will leave you in a permanent state of procrastination. Good! This means we only need to focus on Nos. 2, 5, 6 and 7 from here on out ... and there is no No. 7!

9. Music: Turn it on. Turn it up. Dance!

After No. 8, it really doesn't matter what you do because you won't be doing anything either way. Embrace this. Realize you can also do Nos. 6 and 9 simultaneously, but you won't ... procrastinators never multitask.

10. Nap: Clearly, it's time for one.

All this hard work avoiding hard work has taken its toll. Hell, I'm exhausted and I'm not even you! What? One of your friends just called back? Don't answer it! I mean seriously. When you wake up later, you'll have to start over at No. 1. Why overexert yourself?

11. Recall: Just exactly what it was you were procrastinating about in the first place.

Because I have to tell you - I can no longer remember either.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/14/NSV2TAVR3.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

upside down world

11 Things: Upside down world

Thursday, November 8, 2007

1. San Francisco: Gentrifying faster than you can say the word "gentrify."
Wealth now celebrated like a whore in Hollywood.

Upside: 96 Hours offers cheap alternatives.
Downside: Rich people don't.

2. The mayor: A wealthy young socialite in charge of a famously liberal city.
He ran without a serious challenger.

Upside: The imaginary race in my mind was wildly entertaining.
Downside: Matt Gonzalez may have actually won this time around.

3. Global warming: Al Gore wins an Oscar.
Arnold Schwarzenegger takes some political initiative.

Upside: Canada looking better and better.
Downside: Not having children looking better and better.

4. International politics: Bleeding heart conservatives.
Isolationist liberals.

Upside: Hillary Clinton coasting right along.
Downside: Hillary Clinton coasting right along.

5. Fiscal politics: Republicans spending like there's no tomorrow.
Democrats pleading for responsibility.

Upside: Still working on this one.
Downside: Been working on it for at least the past five years.

6. MySpace: Everyone hates Rupert Murdoch.
He owns the most popular social network on the Web.

Upside: Fun with irony.
Downside: Socializing without socializing.

7. Reality: Reality owns TV.
TV no longer owns reality.

Upside: TV no longer owns reality.
Downside: Reality owns TV.

8. Life: The public is becoming private.
The private is becoming public.

Upside: Mercenaries like Blackwater get exposed.
Downside: Mercenaries like Britney Spears get exposed.

9. Tolerance: Tolerance no longer tolerated.
Intolerance is.

Upside: Wake-up call for those paying attention.
Downside: Nobody is.

10. Religion: Skeptics met with skepticism.
Believers met with belief.

Upside: I'm listening to "Highway to Hell."
Downside: I'm going to hell.

11. News: The Internet no longer fights to keep up with the news.
The news fights to keep up with the Internet.

Upside: Today is tomorrow.
Downside: Yesterday's gone.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/07/NSP7T6NCV.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

bumper stickers

11 THINGS: Bumper Stickers

Thursday, November 1, 2007

1. Travel

"We can't stop here - this is bat country!"
"This is not my beautiful car"
"I'm driving this car ironically"

Perfect for: Road trips and other trips.

2. Peace

"Make Love, Not War"
"Make Levees, Not War"
"Maker's Mark, Not War"

Perfect for: San Francisco, New Orleans and yours truly.

3. War

"No, seriously ... why did we invade Iraq?"
"I love the smell of oil in the morning"
"I support the military industrial complex"

Perfect for: Those who still give a damn.

4. Personal politics

"If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention"
"Help the planet, kill yourself"
"Apathy rules, or something ... whatever"

Perfect for: The younger generation.

5. Presidential politics

"I never thought I'd miss Nixon"
"Honk if you voted for Bush so I can give you the finger"
"No President Left Behind"

Perfect for: California.

6. Dumbing down of America

"The proctologist called. They found your head."
"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
"Eschew obfuscation"

Perfect for: Texas.

7. Evolution

The ichthys fish: Jesus!
The Darwin fish: The ichthys fish with legs (i.e. the tiktaalik).
The truth fish: Eats the Darwin fish.

Perfect for: The Cthulhu (i.e. the beast that eats them all).

8. Religion

"The Rapture is not an exit strategy"
"I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either"
"My stepmom's boyfriend says marriage is a holy sacrament"

Perfect for: Atheists.

9. Relationships

"The Moral Majority is neither"
"Men have feelings too, but who cares"
"I think, therefore I'm single"

Perfect for: Women.

10. The meaning of life

"What color will a Smurf turn if you choke it?"
"Does anal retentive have a hyphen?"
"What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?"

Perfect for: Philosopher kings.

11. The end

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else"
"Without me it's just aweso"
"I never finish anyth"

Perfect

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/01/NS36T2RIU.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle