procrastination

11 Things: Procrastination

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

1. Call your friends: Make sure to talk to each one for at least half an hour.

This helps them procrastinate as well, and creates a glorious chain reaction all over the world. OK ... good ... we're only on item No. 1 and we're well on our way to being well on our way to avoiding well on our way.

2. Fresh coffee: Make it immediately.

Better yet, head to a nearby cafe. San Francisco has one near every liquor deli (i.e. the place where you'll stop and loiter after drinking your coffee).

3. Grab a newspaper: Maybe this one.

Geez, I'm not in marketing ... oh wait ... if you're reading this, you're already here. Right, right ... OK, skip Nos. 1 and 2. What? You read them already? You were supposed to be procrastinating!

4. Dwell on No. 3: Get seriously confused.

Talk to yourself about it for a while, until you get to the bottom of things. When you get to the bottom of things, be sure to exhale ... and order another cup of coffee.

5. Pretend: You're under the gun.

Look at the clock. Tell yourself you have until __ to get __ finished or __! Or what? Exactly! Well, let's imagine the possibilities ... and take our sweet ol' time.

6. Vacuum: Now.

Tell yourself you have until __ to get all your vacuuming finished or __! It's a well-known fact that the only time vacuuming ever gets done is when you're avoiding something else. Fortunately, right now just happens to be one of those times.

7. ... is missing: Figure out where it went.

Unless, of course, you were with me at No. 3, and you skipped ahead. If that's the case, we've both reached procrastination nirvana. We get to skip Nos. 8 and 9 and go directly to No. 10.

8. Check: Your e-mail.

Especially if friends in item No. 1 said they were going to forward this column to you. If they did, please note that Nos. 1, 3, 4 and 8 will leave you in a permanent state of procrastination. Good! This means we only need to focus on Nos. 2, 5, 6 and 7 from here on out ... and there is no No. 7!

9. Music: Turn it on. Turn it up. Dance!

After No. 8, it really doesn't matter what you do because you won't be doing anything either way. Embrace this. Realize you can also do Nos. 6 and 9 simultaneously, but you won't ... procrastinators never multitask.

10. Nap: Clearly, it's time for one.

All this hard work avoiding hard work has taken its toll. Hell, I'm exhausted and I'm not even you! What? One of your friends just called back? Don't answer it! I mean seriously. When you wake up later, you'll have to start over at No. 1. Why overexert yourself?

11. Recall: Just exactly what it was you were procrastinating about in the first place.

Because I have to tell you - I can no longer remember either.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/14/NSV2TAVR3.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle