Thursday, October 25, 2007

candy bar countdown

11 Things: Candy Bar Countdown

Thursday, October 25, 2007

11. Mounds:

Upside: Almost as good as Almond Joy.
Downside: Almost as good as Almond Joy.
Sugar high thoughts: You'd be nuts to think otherwise.

10. Almond Joy:

Upside: Like Mounds, but with teeth.
Downside: I just mentioned teeth.
Sugar high thoughts: My dentist hates me.

9. Snickers:

Upside: Snickers really satisfies.
Downside: Snickers really satisfies too much.
Sugar high thoughts: One bite and I'm full.

8. Rolos:

Upside: "You can roll a Rolo to your pal."
Downside: You can watch your pal miss it.
Sugar high thoughts: You can swear.

7. Skor:

Upside: Toffee sounds like something prim and proper.
Downside: Name sounds like bad Scandinavian metal band.
Sugar high thoughts: Fun to say "thin slab of butter toffee" while eating a thin slab of butter toffee.

6. Butterfingers:

Upside: Bart Simpson loves 'em.
Downside: Crumbly, crumbly, crumbly.
Sugar high thoughts: Time to visit www.followthefinger.com and play more Ding Dong Pingpong.

5. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:

Upside: The miniature versions are fantastic.
Downside: The butter part of peanut butter.
Sugar high thoughts: My doctor hates me.

4. Kit Kat:

Upside: Divides into four bars.
Downside: Fingers covered in chocolate when you're done.
Sugar high thoughts: Same with face.

3. Junior Mints:

Upside: Better than York Peppermint Patties.
Downside: Not really a candy bar.
Sugar high thoughts: "It's chocolate, it's peppermint - it's delicious!"

2. Krackel:

Upside: Thicker, richer than Nestle Crunch.
Downside: More difficult to find.
Sugar high thoughts: Anyone know which came first?

1. Twix:

Upside: Eating everything on this list to verify this is the best.
Downside: Eating everything on this list to verify this is the best.
Sugar high thoughts: Defibrilllllllllllllllllators!!!

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/25/NS0LST39A.DTL

This article appeared on page G-3

Thursday, October 18, 2007

in the dark

11 THINGS: In the Dark

Thursday, October 18, 2007

1. Eat dark chocolate:
Recommendation: Keep eating till you feel sick.
Benefits: You'll also be conserving energy when you pass out.
Requirements: One large box of dark chocolates.

2. Drink dark rum:
Recommendation: Wear an eye patch and drink it straight from the bottle.
Benefits: Pirate-like joy.
Requirements: One large bottle of Myer's.

3. Pretend you're Donnie Darko:
Recommendation: Make sure the bunny disappears when you're done.
Benefits: Cultlike following.
Requirements: An open mind.

4. Read Jim Thompson's "After Dark, My Sweet":
Recommendation: Watch the movie later.
Benefits: Makes you want to read more Jim Thompson.
Requirements: Ability to appreciate failure and doom.

5. Read Arthur Koestler's "Darkness at Noon":
Recommendation: Reread it when you're done.
Benefits: Causes you to ponder isolation, rendition, torture.
Requirements: One small flashlight.

6. Read "Batman: The Dark Knight Returns":
Recommendation: Contemplate Frank Miller's genius.
Benefits: Mild elation when you learn Maggie Gyllenhaal is in the 2008 movie.
Requirements: Comic book love.

7. Listen to "Dark Side of the Moon":
Recommendation: "Breathe, breathe in the air ... don't be afraid to care."
Benefits: Makes you feel like you're in high school again.
(Wait ... is that a benefit?)
Requirements: One set of very large headphones.

8. Listen to "Dark Star":
Recommendation: What? You wanted me to recommend something off "In the Dark"?
You can forget it, pal.
Benefits: Often followed by "St. Stephen."
Requirements: Paraphernalia.

9. Ponder the Mission's Dark Room Theater:
Recommendation: Go.
Benefits: Discovery (or rediscovery) of "Bad Movie Nights."
Requirements: Visit www.darkroomsf.com.

10. Ponder dark matter:
Recommendation: Keep some candles nearby.
Benefits: Discovery (or rediscovery) of a man named Fritz Zwicky.
Requirements: Ability to deal in hypotheticals.

11. Ponder chiaroscuro:
Recommendation: Look it up.
Benefits: Dark benefits light benefits dark.
Requirements: An artistic mind.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/18/NS78SP3K6.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

Thursday, October 11, 2007

noise annoys

11 Things: Noise Annoys

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

1. Fans cheering:

Sounds like: Roman times.
Upside: Cheering for the Red Sox.
Downside: Cheering for anyone else.
Annoying when: Groupthink devolves into mob mentality.

2. Blue Angels:

Sounds like: Macho something or other.
Upside: Only once a year.
Downside: Disagreement forbidden.
Annoying when: They fly through my kitchen.

3. The sound of one hand clapping:

Sounds like: America's current political landscape.
Upside: Democrats and Republicans equally annoying.
Downside: Apathy.
Annoying when: Newspapers fail to grasp public discontent.

4. Pigeons cooing:

Sounds like: Insanity.
Upside: None.
Downside: Awkward dancing, pooing.
Annoying when: Someone feeds them.

5. Garbage trucks:

Sounds like: Your brain being pried open at 5 a.m.
Upside: Trash is gone.
Downside: Trash isn't gone.
Annoying when: You can't go back to sleep.

6. Opera:

Sounds like: Life and death.
Upside: Life.
Downside: Death.
Annoying when: Your wineglass breaks on the high note.

7. Screaming lady downstairs:

Sounds like: Screaming lady downstairs.
Upside: She's having sex.
Downside: She's been having sex for the past hour.
Annoying when: She has sex for another hour after that.

8. Fingernails on the chalkboard:

Sounds like: A paper I wrote in college.
Upside: They're not your fingernails.
Downside: Terrible visceral feeling.
Annoying whenever you hear it.

9. N-Judah:

Sounds like: The train is finally arriving.
Upside: The train is finally arriving.
Downside: The soft bigotry of low expectations.
Annoying when: The train keeps right on going.

10. Sirens:

Sounds like: My neighborhood.
Upside: They're not coming for me.
Downside: The sirens have nothing to do with Greek mythology.
Annoying when: You hear them every single night.

11. Buzzcocks:

Sounds like: Punk.
Upside: They're still playing.
Downside: It's not 1975-1981 anymore.
Annoying when: Bands you love get older.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/10/NSFQSM66J.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

Friday, October 05, 2007

god bless america

October 5, 2007

Op-Ed Columnist
Conservatives Are Such Jokers

By PAUL KRUGMAN

In 1960, John F. Kennedy, who had been shocked by the hunger he saw in West Virginia, made the fight against hunger a theme of his presidential campaign. After his election he created the modern food stamp program, which today helps millions of Americans get enough to eat.

But Ronald Reagan thought the issue of hunger in the world’s richest nation was nothing but a big joke. Here’s what Reagan said in his famous 1964 speech “A Time for Choosing,” which made him a national political figure: “We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry each night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet.”

Today’s leading conservatives are Reagan’s heirs. If you’re poor, if you don’t have health insurance, if you’re sick — well, they don’t think it’s a serious issue. In fact, they think it’s funny.

On Wednesday, President Bush vetoed legislation that would have expanded S-chip, the State Children’s Health Insurance Program, providing health insurance to an estimated 3.8 million children who would otherwise lack coverage.

In anticipation of the veto, William Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard, had this to say: “First of all, whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea. I’m happy that the president’s willing to do something bad for the kids.” Heh-heh-heh.

Most conservatives are more careful than Mr. Kristol. They try to preserve the appearance that they really do care about those less fortunate than themselves. But the truth is that they aren’t bothered by the fact that almost nine million children in America lack health insurance. They don’t think it’s a problem.

“I mean, people have access to health care in America,” said Mr. Bush in July. “After all, you just go to an emergency room.”

And on the day of the veto, Mr. Bush dismissed the whole issue of uninsured children as a media myth. Referring to Medicaid spending — which fails to reach many children — he declared that “when they say, well, poor children aren’t being covered in America, if that’s what you’re hearing on your TV screens, I’m telling you there’s $35.5 billion worth of reasons not to believe that.”

It’s not just the poor who find their travails belittled and mocked. The sick receive the same treatment.

Before the last election, the actor Michael J. Fox, who suffers from Parkinson’s and has become an advocate for stem cell research that might lead to a cure, made an ad in support of Claire McCaskill, the Democratic candidate for Senator in Missouri. It was an effective ad, in part because Mr. Fox’s affliction was obvious.

And Rush Limbaugh — displaying the same style he exhibited in his recent claim that members of the military who oppose the Iraq war are “phony soldiers” and his later comparison of a wounded vet who criticized him for that remark to a suicide bomber — immediately accused Mr. Fox of faking it. “In this commercial, he is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He is moving all around and shaking. And it’s purely an act.” Heh-heh-heh.

Of course, minimizing and mocking the suffering of others is a natural strategy for political figures who advocate lower taxes on the rich and less help for the poor and unlucky. But I believe that the lack of empathy shown by Mr. Limbaugh, Mr. Kristol, and, yes, Mr. Bush is genuine, not feigned.

Mark Crispin Miller, the author of “The Bush Dyslexicon,” once made a striking observation: all of the famous Bush malapropisms — “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family,” and so on — have involved occasions when Mr. Bush was trying to sound caring and compassionate.

By contrast, Mr. Bush is articulate and even grammatical when he talks about punishing people; that’s when he’s speaking from the heart. The only animation Mr. Bush showed during the flooding of New Orleans was when he declared “zero tolerance of people breaking the law,” even those breaking into abandoned stores in search of the food and water they weren’t getting from his administration.

What’s happening, presumably, is that modern movement conservatism attracts a certain personality type. If you identify with the downtrodden, even a little, you don’t belong. If you think ridicule is an appropriate response to other peoples’ woes, you fit right in.

And Republican disillusionment with Mr. Bush does not appear to signal any change in that regard. On the contrary, the leading candidates for the Republican nomination have gone out of their way to condemn “socialism,” which is G.O.P.-speak for any attempt to help the less fortunate.

So once again, if you’re poor or you’re sick or you don’t have health insurance, remember this: these people think your problems are funny.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

recent headlines

11 THINGS: Recent Headlines

Thursday, October 4, 2007

1. "Woman Gives Birth to Own Grandchildren"

Note to self: Lay off the cough medicine.
Follow-up note: No really ...
Conclusion: Seriously.

2. "FDA Cracks Down on Cough Medicine Ingredient"

Note to self: Wow ... that was fast.
Follow-up note: Oh, right ...
Conclusion: The Patriot Act.

3. "Lindsay's Dad to Help After Rehab"

Note to self: His rehab?
Follow-up note: Her rehab?
Conclusion: Rehab needs rehab.

4. "College Daily's Vulgarity Is Now Free-Speech Issue"

Note to self: Can't write it.
Follow-up note: Can't think it.
Conclusion: Can't print it.

5. "Bush Struggles to Stay Relevant in Climate Debate"

Note to self: Wait a second ...
Follow-up note: He was relevant?
Conclusion: Well, I'll be damned.

6. "Bill Clinton Wades In to Defend Hillary's Reputation"

Note to self: Upside-down situation.
Follow-up note: Upside-down decade.
Conclusion: Perfect.

7. "China Bans Bra, Underwear, Sex Toy Ads"

Note to self: Macy's.
Follow-up note: American Apparel.
Conclusion: Good Vibrations.

8. "Mets Complete Stunning Collapse"

Note to self: Stunning?
Follow-up note: Not really.
Conclusion: It's the Mets.

9. "Supreme Court Faces an Array of Divisive Cases"

Note to self: Onion headline?
Follow-up note: No???
Conclusion: "Public Faces an Array of Obvious Headlines."

10. "French Mime Marcel Marceau Dies"

Note to self:
Follow-up note:
Conclusion:

11. "11 Things: Gridlock Edition"

Note to self: S'mores were being handed out to drivers during Critical Mass!
Follow-up note: Can't top that.
Conclusion: Nobody can.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/04/NSLASHRGS.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle