brevity

11 THINGS: BREVITY

Thursday, July 26, 2007

1. Words

"The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do."

- Thomas Jefferson

Translation: True.

2. Speaking

"If I am to speak ten minutes, I need a week for preparation; if fifteen minutes, three days; if half an hour, two days; if an hour, I am ready now."

- Woodrow Wilson

Translation: If I am to comprehend any of this, I need a good, stiff drink.

3. Humor

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

- William Shakespeare

Translation: Ha.

4. Love

"Brevity may be the soul of wit, but not when someone's saying 'I love you.'"

- Judith Viorst

Translation: And not when someone has written a book called "Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day."

5. Clothing

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

- Dorothy Parker

Translation: Hush.

6. Understanding

"Brevity is very good, when we are, or are not, understood."

- Samuel Butler

Translation: Understood.

7. Music

"I like short songs."

- Jello Biafra

Translation: I like Jello.

8. Sincerity

"Be sincere; be brief; be seated."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Translation: Be quiet.

9. Choice

"Choose well, your choice is brief, and yet endless."

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Translation: Whoops.

10. Art

"I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished and he sat down."

- Edward Wilson

Translation: Best. Speech. Ever.

11. Ambition

"It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Translation: Or 11.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/26/NSN4R6PEE2.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

denial

11 Things: Denial

Thursday, July 19, 2007

1. Refusing to admit error:

Who: Everyone.
What: Accepting blame.
Why: Because it's someone else's fault.
See: No. 8.

2. Refusing to act one's age:

Who: Older people.
What: Behaving like younger people.
Why: Because 50 is the new 40 is the new 30 is the new 20.
See: No. 4.

3. Refusing to accept losing:

Who: The Giants.
What: Giving Sabean a two-year contract extension.
Why: Why???!!!!
See: No. 1.

4. Refusing to accept pain:

Who: Drinkers, drug users, hedonists, hippies.
What: Pleasure.
Why: Because it feels good.
See: No. 2.

5. Refusing to accept responsibility:

Who: Me?
What: I don't know.
Why: Why are you asking me?
See: No. 7.

6. Refusing to accept reality:

Who: The legislative branch.
What: The executive branch.
Why: Delusion.
See: No. 9.

7. Refusing to listen:

Who: Who said that?
What: Exactly.
Why: Ego.
See: No. 10.

8. Refusing to speak:

Who: Can't say.
What: No comment.
Why: Lawyers.
See: No. 5.

9. Refusing to be serious:

Who: The media.
What: Puppies and kittens.
Why: Because they're cute.
See: No. 6.

10. Refusing to do anything:

Who: Society.
What: Politics.
Why: Ignorance is bliss.
See: America.

11. Refusing to bite:

Who: You.
What: Denying denial.
Why: 'Cause I'm right.
See: what I mean.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/19/NSGRHR08UP1.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the french connection

11 THINGS: The French Connection

Thursday, July 12, 2007

1. Bastille Day: "Bastille." It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison." -Ed Helms

La réponse: Laughter.

2. Parisians: "To err is human. To loaf is Parisian." -Victor Hugo

La réponse: Or Californian.

3. France: "I have tried to lift France out of the mud. But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I cannot prevent the French from being French." -Charles de Gaulle

La réponse: It's OK, Charles. I can't prevent the Americans from being Americans either.

4. French: "In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language." -Mark Twain

La réponse: "Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything."
-Steve Martin

5. Drinking: "Other countries drink to get drunk, and this is accepted by everyone; in France, drunkenness is a consequence, never an intention. A drink is felt as the spinning out of a pleasure, not as the necessary cause of an effect which is sought: wine is not only a philtre, it is also the leisurely act of drinking." -Roland Barthes

La réponse: Snobbishness is a consequence, never an intention.

6. Desire: "The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man." -Madame de Staël

La réponse: The desire of the columnist is for Madame de Staël to visit San Francisco.

7. Money: "France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." -Billy Wilder

La réponse: Merde alors!

8. Knowledge: "Generally speaking, the people who know little speak a lot and the people who know a lot speak little." -Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

La réponse: Shh.

9. Friendship: "Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

La réponse: Or at least pay for the bloody cab.

10. Politics: "It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong." -Voltaire

La réponse: It is dangerous to be adding this one.

11. Existence: "I think; therefore I am." -René Descartes

La réponse: I think I think; therefore I think I am.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/12/NSGMGQS1AA1.DTL

summer reading in hell

11 Things: Summer Reading in Hell

Thursday, July 5, 2007

1. "I'm OK, You're OK" (by Thomas Anthony Harris)

Prologue: Read "I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger and Create a Relationship" (by Dale V. Atkins).
Epilogue: Read "I'm OK, You're a Pain in the Neck" (by Albert Voorspan).

2. "Britney & Lynne Spears: A Mother's Gift" (by Britney and Lynne Spears)

Prologue: Stop laughing.
Epilogue: Resume laughing.

3. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the CIA" (by Allan Swenson and Michael Benson)

Prologue: Don't believe what they say or what you think you believe they might have said.
Epilogue: Don't believe what I say or what I think I believe I might have said.

4. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Lean Six Sigma" (by the Breakthrough Management Group and Neil DeCarlo)

Prologue: Figure out what the hell Lean Six Sigma is.
Epilogue: Don't confuse it with Sigma Six.

5. "The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Living on a Budget" (by Peter J. Sander and Jennifer Basye Sander)

Prologue: Don't buy this book.
Epilogue: Use savings for beer.

6. "I'm Glad I Look Like a ... Terrorist" (by Ray Hanania)

Prologue: Don't read on flights.
Epilogue: Don't read anywhere really.

7. "His Pregnant Nurse" (Harlequin Romance, by Laura Iding)

Prologue: Figure out what exactly happened.
Epilogue: Hire a good lawyer.

8. "Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue in Chic Peek Behind the Pose" (by Paris Hilton)

Prologue: Barf.
Epilogue: Clean up barf.

9. "The Woman Who Pretended to Be Who She Was" (by Wendy Doniger)

Prologue: Try to determine who she pretended to be.
Epilogue: Wait. What?

10. "The 2004 Annual Defense Report to the President and the Congress" (by Donald H. Rumsfeld)

Prologue: Verify how much you paid in taxes in 2004.
Epilogue: Swear at the top of your lungs.

11. "Depression for Dummies" (by Laura L. Smith and Charles H. Elliott)

Prologue: Skim through it briefly.
Epilogue: Find out when "Happiness for Dummies" will be back in stock.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/05/NSGNKQN2IM1.DTL