lyrics for labor day

11 THINGS: Lyrics for Labor Day

Thursday, August 31, 2006

1. "Maggie's Farm" (Bob Dylan): "I got a head full of ideas that are drivin' me insane./ It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor./ I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more." Theme: He ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more. Runners-up: Anything by Leadbelly or Pete Seeger.

2. "Summertime Blues" (Eddie Cochran): "Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss, and I'm gonna raise a holler. / About workin' all summer just tryin' to earn a dollar." Theme: Work is hard work. Runner-up: The Who's version.

3. "This Ain't No Picnic" (Minutemen): "Punch in punch out / 8 hours 5 days a week / Sweat pain and agony / on Friday I'll get paid." Theme: Nothing's free. Runner-up: Jesus and Tequila.

4. "Takin' Care of Business" (BTO): "If you ever get annoyed / Look at me, I'm self-employed / I love to work at nothing all day." Theme: Quit job. Join band. Runner-up: "Working for the Weekend" (Loverboy).

5. "Making Plans for Nigel" (XTC): "And if young Nigel says he's happy / He must be happy / He must be happy in his work." Theme: Nigel's annoyed. Runner-up: "Love on a Farm Boy's Wages."

6. "Don't Worry About the Government" (Talking Heads): "I'll be working, working but if you come visit / I'll put down what I'm doing, my friends are important." Theme: Make time for friends. Runner-up: "Found a Job."

7. "Government Center" (Modern Lovers): "We gotta rock-a rock-a rock-a nonstop tonight / Uh huh, at the government center / Make the secretaries feel better / When they put the stamps on the letters." Theme: Help secretaries. Runner-up: "My Career as a Home-wrecker" (Jonathan Richman).

8. "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" (The Smiths): "I was looking for a job, and then I found a job / And heaven knows I'm miserable now." Theme: Morrissey's miserable. Runner-up: "You've Got Everything Now."

9. "Adventures in Failure" (MC 900 Ft. Jesus): "Nothing can diminish my total enjoyment / Except when I pass my place of employment." Theme: Avoid workplace. Runner-up: "I Go to Work" (Kool Moe Dee).

10. "Clampdown" (The Clash): "The men at the factory are old and cunning / You don't owe nothing, so boy get runnin' / It's the best years of your life they want to steal." Theme: Ponder quitting. Runners-up: "Janie Jones," "Career Opportunities."

11. "A Hard Day's Night" (The Beatles): "It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log / But when I get home to you / I find the things that you do / Will make me feel alright." Theme: Ponder staying. Runner-up: "Working Class Hero" (Lennon).

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/08/31/NSGI3KQOEI1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the 'learning' annex

11 THINGS: The 'Learning' Annex

Thursday, August 24, 2006

1. "How to Use Angelic Energy to Heal and Empower Your Life"

What they say: Tonika Blackfeather Rinar uses her exceptional psychic abilities to connect you with one of the highest angels in the universe, a Seraph of the Seraphim. What we say: Stay home and crank some Sabbath.

2. "Decoding Your Destiny"

What they say: Dr. Carmen Herra is a master metaphysician whose clients have included Jennifer Lopez, Candice Bergen and many more. What we say: Well ... we finally understand why Bennifer broke up.

3. "Create Your Own Deconstructed T-Shirts"

What they say: Celebrities are paying big bucks to have their clothes custom-made. What we say: Buy some scissors. Class dismissed.

4. "How to Find the Man, How to Get the Man, How to Keep the Man"

What they say: Something about "Manifestah Divinatah," BS detectors and sacred commitment ceremonies. What we say: Something about BS detectors.

5. "Dating by Numbers: Use Kabbalah to Help Achieve Your Relationship Goals"

What they say: Class One: Discuss the Sefirot (leaves on the Tree of Life). Class Two: Discuss the Sefirot Yesod, or Physical Foundation. What we say: Is it possible to discuss kabbalah without discussing Madonna?

6. "Communicate With the Other World With Celebrated Psychic Author Mark Macy"

What they say: Have you ever wondered how to connect with the spirits around you? What We Say: No.

7. "Intro to Pole Dancing"

What they say: Do not wear oils, lotions or moisturizers as it impedes pole gripping and makes the pole dangerous. What we say: Um.

8. "Sell Yourself in 30 Seconds (or Less)! How to Master Elevator Speeches, Cold Calling and Even Storytelling"

What they say: Remain confident even against the odds. What we say: When giving an elevator speech, make sure no one else is in the elevator.

9. "I Have to Be Perfect: Is It True? The Work of Byron Katie"

What they say: This workshop is an opportunity to learn how to shift the way you experience your life and relationships with the Work's four questions. What we say: It's not true.

10. "Gyrate Your Way to Health With Hula Hoop Fitness"

What they say: Relieves stress through impulsive smiling, laughter and the release of endorphins. What we say: Save $29.99 and do the impulsive smiling and laughing in the comfort of your own home.

11. "Unlock Your Psychic Potential With Best-Selling Author Echo Bodine"

What they say: Avoid pitfalls commonly encountered by psychics in training. What we say: Avoid pitfalls commonly encountered by naming your child Echo.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/08/24/NSGR6KJRH91.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

things to try at least once

11 THINGS: To Try at Least Once

Thursday, August 17, 2006

1. Parachute out of a plane
Reason: Exhilaration.
Requirements: Fearlessness.
Where to begin: www.bayareaskydiving.com or www.skydivesf.com.

2. Work in a soup kitchen
Reason: Compassion.
Requirements: Heart, smile.
Where to begin: www.sffoodbank.org or www.openhand.org.

3. Read "Ulysses" or "War and Peace"
Reason: Because you'll never finish.
Requirements: Patience ... and a comfortable chair.
Where to begin: www.sfpl.org or www.citylights.com.

4. Drive to Cabo San Lucas or Fairbanks
Reason: Flying is too much of a pain.
Requirements: Car and a companion (who agrees to pay for gas).
Where to begin: www.mexonline.com/drivemex.htm or www.northtoalaska.com.

5. Take a trip to the Farallones
Reason: You might see whales.
Requirements: Aversion to seasickness, binoculars, camera.
Where to begin: www.oceanicsociety.org or www.sfbaywhalewatching.com.

6. Drink absinthe
Reason: "Double action intoxication."
Requirements: Airline tickets to Switzerland (or friends with absinthe).
Where to begin: www.absinthebuyersguide.com or www.feeverte.net.

7. Stay up all weekend ... and write
Reason: Nothing's stopping you.
Requirements: NoDoz, Vivarin, coffee, willpower.
Where to begin: www.bulwer-lytton.com or www.nanowrimo.org (in November).

8. Run a marathon or try a triathlon
Reason: Because.
Requirements: Endurance, vitality, health.
Where to begin: www.sfrrc.org or www.tricalifornia.com.

9. Learn a new language or teach English abroad
Reason: There's far more to this planet than the United States.
Requirements: Skills.
Where to begin: www.berlitz.com or www.teachabroad.com.

10. Visit the S.F. Symphony (for PoundSF-goers) or visit PoundSF (for S.F. Symphony-goers)
Reason: Expand your horizons.
Requirements: An open mind.
Where to begin: www.sfsymphony.org (opening gala: Sept. 6) or www.poundsf.com (this week: Gorilla Biscuits, Casualties. Next week: Cattle Decapitation.)

11. Write a column for a newspaper
Reason: You're nuts.
Requirements: Unsolicited opinions, thick skin and rare apologies (example: "Sorry 'bout last week's column, Mr. Fogerty.")
Where to begin: www.theonion.com or www.fark.com.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/08/17/NSGHOKG1O11.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

song rights (and wrongs)

11 THINGS: Song Rights (and Wrongs)

Thursday, August 10, 2006

1. The Who: Sells Out. Does one acknowledge Pete Townshend's honesty and compliment him for saying the songs are his and he can do what he wants? Or does one berate him for being so glib? How is one supposed to still like the Who when "Happy Jack" is used to sell Hummers?

2. The Talking Heads: "Wild Wild Life" pokes fun at commercial anything and everything, while Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love" is used to sell Kia Spectras. Do we respect David and Jerry, but not Tina and Chris? What if Tina and Chris are likable? Jerry ... please help me with this.

3. The Ramones: When "Blitzkrieg Bop" is used to sell Nissan automobiles, do you close your eyes and hold your head in despair? Or do you shut your shades, turn off your television and blast Fugazi at volume 11?

4. Blondie: "One Way or Another," they've sold out too. At least it was for a semi-decent product like Bailey's ... until Swiffer came along. Swiffer? Blondie? Please! Swiffer is a Devo thing.

5. Devo: "Whip It" selling Swiffer made perfect sense. (Please don't ask me to explain.) Still, though, we must pose the question: Why give Devo a free pass when Blondie doesn't get one?

6. The Specials: There's "A Message to You Rudy" -- and it's wrapped inside a Pampers diaper.

7. Bob Dylan: "Love Sick" for a Victoria's Secret ad? Sorry, Bob, that's cheap and creepy -- and you were one of the remaining few we expected not to do this sort of thing. Faust is pleased, but we're terribly disappointed. Neil Young takes the dignity reins away from you, and suggests removing the word "Love" from that song title.

8. CCR: "Fortunate Son" used to sell Wrangler jeans? Which is dumber? CCR for agreeing, or Wrangler for not comprehending? The whole thing reeks of Reagan's failure to understand Springsteen back when selling out was in its mere infancy.

9. The Zombies: "Time of the Season" used to sell Tampax? Um ... Dear Zombies and Tampax: Tampons aren't seasonal.

10. Iggy Pop: Remember that "Brady Bunch" episode where Mrs. Brady won't sell soap on TV unless she uses the soap in real life? Makes us wonder this: Was Iggy at least allowed the chance to shoot up on the bow of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship before "Lust for Life" was ruined for life? One can only hope.

11. The Pretenders: "My City Was Gone" had been used to open Rush Limbaugh's radio show since 1984. Limbaugh later gloated. Chrissie Hynde later sued. Bottom line: Limbaugh can still abuse the song, but has to pay Hynde $500,000 a year (which she donates to PETA). Who's gloating now, Mr. Limbaugh?

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/08/10/NSGBRKCKF91.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

impossible vacation

11 THINGS: Impossible Vacation

Thursday, August 3, 2006

1. What to know: Vacation is the term used in English-speaking North America to describe time away from work or school, a trip abroad or a pleasure trip away from home. In the rest of the English-speaking world the word "holiday" is used. Source: Wikipedia.

2. What else to know: The average number of vacation days around the world is as follows: Italy: 42 days.** France: 37 days. Germany: 35 days. Brazil: 34 days. United Kingdom: 28 days. Canada: 26 days. Japan: 25 days. Korea: 25 days. United States: 13 days. Source: World Tourism Organization. www.infoplease.com. **No wonder the Italians won the World Cup.

3. What to do: We suggest a reinvigorating mix of frequent exhaling, relaxing, sleeping and doing pretty much absolutely nothing (aside from petitioning your boss and/or congressperson for more vacation time in the future). Source: Work stress.

4. What to wear: Bathrobe and slippers, especially if you're headed through airport security and are seriously tired of having to remove your shoes. Source: Frustration with airports.

5. What to read: Spalding Gray's "Impossible Vacation." Please allow a year's worth of vacation time to actually finish the book ... unless you're from Italy. Source: Not sure entirely, but I really miss Spalding Gray.

6. What to listen to: The Go-Go's' "Vacation," Todd Rundgren's "Bang the Drum All Day" or the Dead Kennedys' "Holiday in Cambodia" -- really depends on how bad the news has been making you feel lately. Source: How bad the news has been making me feel lately.

7. What to watch: "Permanent Vacation" (made for just $12,000 back in 1980) and/or "Stranger Than Paradise" (which begins where it ends). Source: Jim Jarmusch and frequent existential laughter.

8. What not to watch: Giants games. Source: Armando Benitez ... you would think the Giants might've figured this out when J.T. Snow hit that game-tying three-run blast off Benitez (and the foul pole) back in Game 2 of the 2000 N.L. Division Series.

9. What to play: The Sims: Vacation video game by Electronic Arts. Source: Roommate.

10. What to drink: Several wheat beers with several lemons and/or several lemonades with vodka. Source: Bartenders and confounding summer heat.

11. What to leave behind: Cares, fears, worries, clothes, cell phones, pagers, computers, e-mails ... and work. Source: Yours truly.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/08/03/NSGN5K63I61.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle