so bad, they're good

11 THINGS: So Bad, They're Good

Thursday, July 27, 2006

1. Music: Loverboy ("Lovin' Every Minute of It"), Quarterflash ("Harden My Heart"), .38 Special ("Hold On Loosely"), REO Speedwagon ("Can't Fight This Feeling"), Zamfir (pan flute anything) and John Denver (particularly "Sunshine on My Shoulders" -- actually, particularly every single song he ever wrote). Sorry, Mom.

2. Cities: Las Vegas, Reno, Daly City, Colma, Goleta, El Segundo, Fresno, Bakersfield, Pyongyang, and just about every city in northern New Jersey (particularly Hackensack, Hoboken and Newark).

3. Movies: "Barbarella,'' "Showgirls,'' "You Light Up My Life,'' "Foul Play,'' "Seems Like Old Times'' and just about any horror film ever made (particularly "Salem's Lot").

4. Food: Top Ramen, microwavable burritos, Rice-A-Roni, Hamburger Helper, Lunchables and pretty much any and all cheese-related products ever made (particularly Velveeta).

5. Beverages: Mr. Pibb, Jolt, Fresca, Squirt -- and cocktails in a can (particularly Kahlua and Cream).

6. Writers: Anyone who's ever written a self-help book (particularly the person who wrote "I'm OK, You're OK").

7. Politicians: The whole damn lot of them ... no, wait ... they're "so bad, they're bad" (except for the good ones).

8. TV Shows: MXC, although we tend to actually feel this show is so good, it's good. Same goes for "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" (clear unbridled genius!) and just about every game show ever made (particularly "Match Game").

9. Fast food: By definition, any and all fast-food restaurants ever created (particularly Arby's for the sauces and Wienerschnitzel for the shape of the buildings, the menu -- and actually having the name Wienerschnitzel).

10. Automobiles: Station wagons with fake wood paneling ... check that ... station wagons in general ... check that ... fake wood paneling in general, and just about every automobile created in the early 1970s (particularly the Gremlin).

11. Miscellaneous: Eight-track tapes, eight-track tape players, people who still have eight-track tapes, people who still have eight-track tape players, people who have read this far, high-top wrestling shoes, wrestling in general (particularly the Jell-O variety), leotards, pogo sticks, Olympic pingpong champions, Pong, thongs ... and pretty much every generic store-brand version of anything ever made (particularly Waltussin and Wal-phed).

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/07/27/NSGHEK4IRT1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

grading spam

11 THINGS: Grading Spam

Thursday, July 20, 2006

1. Hi 96 Hours: Have you been looking for true love in all the wrong places, looking for love in all the wrong faces well if you have stop. we are the latest and greatest singels web site. Thousands of singles just like yourself have come on board. Grade: C. Reason: 96 Hours is already in a monogamous relationship with Datebook (and they misspelled singles).

2. SE1: Nearer to Heaven. "I beg your pardon?" Coolly, I lowered the zipper on my chest, pulled out a flask, took a for food. But now and then, just for a moment, he remembered. Grade: D+. Reason: We don't believe he actually remembered.

3. Fedmarket: Welcome to our series called "Proposal Writing." Grade: D. Reason: We propose that Fedmarket stop spamming us.

4. 5KK: There was a haze over the garage. Every- thing seemed all right, of them, and to help them see it in themselves. That's what I mean by fall out of the boot. "Throw another one, huh?" DOCTOR VALENTINE PILMAN, RECIPIENT OF THE NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS. Grade: B+. Reason: We love the name "Doctor Valentine Pilman."

5. Generic sildenafil citrate: is the active ingredient in the blue sex pill and costs up to 70 percent less. All pills are produced in world-class licensed facilities only. Sincerely, Penelope Gadomski. Grade: C. Reason: We have some serious doubts about the facilities being world-class.

6. OT: His rear end and at the dirt. He could barely hear the muffled moans coming "Well, friends," Redrick announced. "Now we're going to have ourselves broken brick, sprinkled with white dust and highlighted by the blinding." Grade: D. Reason: This was obviously lifted from a Harlequin romance novel.

7. Business proposals: From Nigeria or the Middle East. Grade: F. Reason: Even if we are owed $150,000,000 USD, we no longer believe it's worth the hassle.

8. 2EH: So, I thought. like the other gulls; he really tried, screeching and fighting with the "I'm not Red to you," I said. "Don't try that palsy-walsy stuff on me, disappointed." Grade: B+. Reason: Excellent use of the term "palsy-walsy."

9. Sayuri: (translated from Japanese) I'm waiting for your message as well. Your contact info should have your e-mail and mailing address. I feel you're very busy, but could you make some time (for me)? Grade: A. Reason: Sayuri loves us!

10. Äîñòàâêà: ÑÓØÈ òåë. (495)107-50-39 (áóäíè ñ 11 äî 21) Óæå 3 ãîäà íàñ ðåêîìåíäóþò äðóçüÿì! Grade: D-. Reason: We're seriously afraid to test this phone number.

11. Rages???: Who has humiliated he and put he in rages? Grade: A+. Reason: More Shakespeare than Shakespeare.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/07/20/NSGL6JU0BQ1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

revolution evolution

11 THINGS: REVOLUTION EVOLUTION

Thursday, July 13, 2006

1. Neolithic: Driving force? Survival. Overthrown? Hunting. Advanced? Settling. Removed? Body hair. Music: "Apeman" by the Kinks.

2. French: Driving force? Rebellion. Overthrown? The absolute monarchy. Advanced? The citizenry. Removed? Heads. Music: "Coup d'etat" by the Circle Jerks.

3. American: Driving force? Anger at the British. Overthrown? Unfair taxation. Advanced? Independence. Removed? The British. Music: "The Shot Heard 'Round the World" from Schoolhouse Rock.

4. Industrial: Driving force? Machines and factories. Overthrown? Manual labor. Advanced? Profits and wages. Removed? Farmland, dirt roads, blue skies and flowers. Music: Pink Floyd's "Animals" album.

5. Marxist: Driving force? Desire for equality. Overthrown? The upper class. Advanced? Equality. Removed? The bourgeoisie. Music: The Clash.

6. Cuban: Driving force? Fidel Castro. Overthrown? Capitalism. Advanced? Marxism. Removed? U.S.-backed dictator Fulgencio Batista. Music: "C-U-B-A" by the Austin Lounge Lizards.

7. Sexual: Driving force? Birth control ... and the human libido. Overthrown? Shame and hesitation. Advanced? Pleasure and freedom. Removed? Clothes. Music: Marvin Gaye.

8. Rock 'n' roll: Driving force? Amps, personalities and rock! Overthrown? Boredom. Advanced? Partying! Removed? Inhibitions. Music: Anything by Elvis, the Stones, the Who or Jimi Hendrix.

9. The Beatles: Driving force? John Lennon. Overthrown? Short hair and the 1950s. See above. Advanced? Pop music, Technicolor and world peace. Removed? Paul McCartney. Music: The Rutles.

10. Velvet: Driving force? Student protests. Overthrown? The Communist government. Advanced? Democracy and peaceful protesting. Removed? Barbed-wire borders with West Germany and Austria. Music: the Velvet Underground.

11. Digital: Driving force? The PC. Overthrown? Analog anything. Advanced? The rapid flow of information. Removed? The desire to go outside. Music: Techno, house, hip-hop or Deee-Lite.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/07/13/NSG1BJRI361.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the bay area needs more ...

11 THINGS: THE BAY AREA NEEDS MORE OF

Thursday, July 6, 2006

1. Miniature golf courses: Let's see: one in Livermore, one in Castro Valley, one in Cordelia, one in Sunnyvale, one in Redwood City and none in San Francisco. Runner-up: pinball machines.

2. Outdoor beer gardens: Zeitgeist in San Francisco is nice, but always overcrowded when the sun is shining. Runner-up: rooftop beer gardens.

3. Peet's: The phone book indicates approximately 77 Starbucks and 12 Peet's in San Francisco. Either we need approximately 65 more Peet's or 65 fewer Starbucks. Runner-up: morning exercise.

4. Shabu Shabu restaurants: There's a Happy Shabu Shabu restaurant in San Francisco, and that makes us happy happy, but genuine shabu shabu remains seriously hard to find. Runner-up: karaoke bars.

5. Independent movie houses: One in the Sunset would be nice ... and just about anywhere in the 'burbs. Runner-up: drive-in movie theaters ... including one on Treasure Island.

6. People taking BART to airports: Why should BART build an Oakland Airport connector if the trains to SFO are close to empty? Runner-up: support for a Geary Blvd. streetcar (or monorail).

7. Giant outfielders young-er than 40: Moises Alou fell out of contention this past Sunday. Runner-up: A's who can hit.

8. Franchise NBA players: There -- we said it (with apologies to Jason Richardson and Baron Davis). Close runner-up: franchise coaches and general managers.

9. Frank Chus: Saw him several times recently, each time looking progressively worse. Runner-up: explanations for his eccentric existence.

10. Alternatives to Comcast: It took 12 calls to get a basic refund. Comcastic? More like sarcastic. Runner-up: alternatives to television.

11. Subversion of the dominant paradigm: Runner-up: winks ... and nods.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/07/06/NSGP2JOOPJ1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle