i'm a perfectionist

and nothing's perfect ....

we'd rather forget

11 THINGS: We'd Rather Forget

Thursday, May 25, 2006

1. The 1970s: Disco, fat collars, polyester, feathered hair, big combs, bellbottoms, the energy crisis, Vietnam, the Osmonds, John Denver, ahhhh!!!!! Exceptions: Afros, the Clash, the Ramones and the Sex Pistols.

2. Nixon: Watergate, resignation, pardon, turmoil, resentment. Exception: That photo with Elvis.

3. High school: The awkward awkwardness of the entire first two to three years. Exception: Discovering beer.

4. The smell of San Francisco on a hot summer day: "Someday a real rain will come," but until then we hold our breath and wince whenever it gets above 85 degrees. Exception: Ocean Beach ... when it's windy.

5. The principal's face: So I threw a peanut butter and jelly sandwich across the room. So it hit a girl in the face. The guy didn't have to be so upset about it. Exception: At least the girl forgave me.

6. Port-o-lets: Being in one at anytime, anywhere -- barf. Exceptions: none.

7. Tokyo subway at rush hour: Let me put it this way: You can move your toes and mebbe shift one inch to the left, but that's about it. Exception: The polite apologizing throughout.

8. Turning the water jug over ... and completely missing the machine: Yes ... there were approximately 30-35 other people in the room when it happened. Exception: When someone else did the very same thing.

9. Ex's: We can have mixed feelings about the good times or have mixed feelings about the bad times. Fortunately, there is a "Plan B" : Forget! Forget! Forget! Exceptions: The ones we get back together with.

10. Gov. Schwarzenegger: How the hell did this happen? I still don't understand. Exceptions: When he disagrees with the president.

11. Mortality: You mean to tell me it's all temporary?! Talk about a major major conundrum. I mean really, now -- why do anything? Exceptions: Eating, drinking, being merry.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/05/25/NSGEVITOG01.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

dressing for bay to breakers

11 Things: Dressing for Bay to Breakers

Thursday, May 18, 2006

1. As a Kenyan: Seriously increase odds of winning the whole damn thing. Prepare for race by drinking copious amounts of Kenyan coffee. Extra credit: Drink it at Peet's.

2. As the deficit: Begin by maxing out all of your credit cards, withdrawing all of your money from the bank and running out of control in the wrong direction. Extra credit: Visit www.brillig.com/debt_clock.

3. As "the decider": Watch as your poll numbers decline throughout the race. Prepare by taking a vacation at the ranch. Extra credit: Memorize lyrics at decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com.

4. As John Kerry: Begin your opening statement at the starting line, and don't finish it until you're at the finish line. Extra credit: Run entire race in flip-flops.

5. As Donald Rumsfeld: Prepare for race by reciting abstract poetry. Extra credit: Stop at each mile marker and conduct a news conference declaring victory to be just around the corner.

6. As Karl Rove: Have a friend dress as Patrick Fitzgerald and chase you throughout the race. Prepare by refusing to speak. Extra credit: Read Machiavelli.

7. As Barry Bonds: Walk the entire 12K. Prepare by answering only baseball-related questions. Extra credit: Wonder why you're still smiling at www.snac.com.

8. As S.F. Mayor Gavin Newsom: Comb hair back until it looks simply perfect. Prepare by avoiding questions about love life and Scientology. Extra credit: Attend several weddings at City Hall.

9. As former S.F. Mayor Willie Brown: Run the entire race in a three-piece suit and fedora. Prepare by embracing hat power at www.mrsdewsonhats.com. Extra credit: Shake hands with every single person in the race.

10. As a Muni bus: Fail to show up. Prepare by making sudden stops every five-10 minutes or so. Extra credit: Sleep through alarm clock and hop last-minute cab ride to the race.

11. Don't dress: Prepare by wandering nude around your neighborhood. Extra credit: Nude volleyball at Ocean Beach after the race ends.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/05/18/NSGJ9IS6FB1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

celebrating mother's day

11 THINGS: Celebrating Mother's Day

Thursday, May 11, 2006

1. Carnelian Room Sunday Brunch Mimosas! 10 a.m., 12:30 p.m. and 2:30 p.m. seatings. $68 ($34 for kids 10 and younger). 555 California St., 52nd floor. (415) 433-7500. www.carnelianroom.com.

2. See's Candies Go crazy at www.sees.com or stop by one of the numerous stores. (800) 347-7337.

3. Message for Ma: Animated Paintings Create a unique "painting" that moves. For kids 8 and older. 2-4 p.m. Sat. Zeum, 221 Fourth St. Call to register. (415) 820-3320. www.zeum.org.

4. Orchid Show and Sale Plants, presentations, orchid experts, more. Noon-7 p.m. Fri., 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Sat.-Sun. Lakeside Garden Center, 666 Bellevue Ave., Oakland. (510) 538-9977. www.orchidsocietyofcalifornia.com.

5. Picnic & Barbecue 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Sun. $20. Meets at the meadow at Volunteer Canyon, Bolinas Lagoon Preserve. (415) 454-5469. www.egret.org.

6. Sonoma Valley Spring Bird Count Celebrate 2006 International Migratory Bird Day before taking Mom to lunch at Viansa Winery, 25200 Arnold Drive, Sonoma. 6 a.m.-1 p.m. Sat. $10. (707) 939-8007. www.sonomabirding.org.

7. Rufus Olivier: Bassoons and Brass Mother's Day Concert Flowers for the ladies! 3 p.m. Sun. $12-$20. Sanchez Concert Hall, 1220 Linda Mar Blvd., Pacifica. (650) 355-1882.

8. Kathy Kallick Mother's Day Concert 1 p.m. Sun. $7.50-$9.50. Freight & Salvage, 1111 Addison St., Berkeley. (510) 548-1761. www.thefreight.org.

9. Mother's Day Comedy Show 9 p.m. Sun. $10. Sonoma Chicken Coop, 200 E. Campbell Ave., Campbell. (408) 866-2699.

10. Dim Sum Bring mom and a large appetite to Ton Kiang, 5821 Geary Blvd. (415) 752-4440. www.tonkiang.net.

11. Don't get along with Mom? Rent "Blade Runner" and LOL at the following exchange -- Holden: Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about ... your mother. Leon: My mother? Holden: Yeah. Leon: Let me tell you about my mother ... [Shoots him]

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/05/11/NSG1BIL5JP1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

hong kong garden

cinco de mayo

11 THINGS: CINCO DE MAYO

Thursday, May 4, 2006

1. Cinco de Mayo San Francisco Celebration 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Fri. Parque de Los Niños on 23rd Street, between Treat and Folsom, S.F. (415) 206-0577. www.cincodemayosf.com.

2. San Jose Cinco de Mayo Parade and Festival 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Sun. Best spots for parade viewing: Guadalupe River Parks-Discovery Meadow and Plaza de Cesar Chavez. (408) 793-5540. www.sanjoseca.gov/prns/prnsevents.asp.

3. Puerto Alegre Be sure to tip the mariachi band while sipping one of the best margaritas in the city. 546 Valencia St., S.F. (415) 255-8201.

4. Taqueria Cancun Quite possibly the best burrito on the planet. Three locations, but the main one is 2288 Mission St., S.F. (415) 252-9560.

5. La Rondalla Not sure which is stronger, the margaritas or the family atmosphere. 901 Valencia St., S.F. (415) 647-7474.

6. "Dona Quixote" at the Marsh Get quixotic with 35 students from the Mission and a valiant female knight. No word yet on Sancho Panza's gender. 5 p.m. Sat., 2 p.m. Sun. 1062 Valencia St., S.F. (415) 826-5750.

7. Tommy's Mexican Restaurant Dive into a Scorpion Bowl at Trader Sam's then dry yourself off across the street at Tommy's -- and please, no throwing tortillas at anyone. Personal research shows you'll get kicked out. 5929 Geary St., S.F. (415) 387-4747.

8. California Food Market Buy one of the piñatas hanging from the ceiling of the market. The piñatas are $16-$20. The joy of smashing them open is priceless. 3111 24th St., S.F.

9. Joyeria La Jolla Speaking of joy, joyas is Spanish for jewelry. 3196 24th St., S.F. (415) 821-4370.

10. Devour a burrito blog Vote for your favorite taqueria at www.burritoeater.com, www.burritobot.com or www.burritophile.com (always, always give props to Tacos El Tonayense).

11. Tequila shots Keep a journal of thoughts after each shot; wake up the next morning on the side of Highway 101 (without any pants) and realize that "11 Things: Tequila shots" was a very very BAD idea.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/05/04/NSG8EIGDK61.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle