dressing for bay to breakers

11 Things: Dressing for Bay to Breakers

Thursday, May 18, 2006

1. As a Kenyan: Seriously increase odds of winning the whole damn thing. Prepare for race by drinking copious amounts of Kenyan coffee. Extra credit: Drink it at Peet's.

2. As the deficit: Begin by maxing out all of your credit cards, withdrawing all of your money from the bank and running out of control in the wrong direction. Extra credit: Visit www.brillig.com/debt_clock.

3. As "the decider": Watch as your poll numbers decline throughout the race. Prepare by taking a vacation at the ranch. Extra credit: Memorize lyrics at decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com.

4. As John Kerry: Begin your opening statement at the starting line, and don't finish it until you're at the finish line. Extra credit: Run entire race in flip-flops.

5. As Donald Rumsfeld: Prepare for race by reciting abstract poetry. Extra credit: Stop at each mile marker and conduct a news conference declaring victory to be just around the corner.

6. As Karl Rove: Have a friend dress as Patrick Fitzgerald and chase you throughout the race. Prepare by refusing to speak. Extra credit: Read Machiavelli.

7. As Barry Bonds: Walk the entire 12K. Prepare by answering only baseball-related questions. Extra credit: Wonder why you're still smiling at www.snac.com.

8. As S.F. Mayor Gavin Newsom: Comb hair back until it looks simply perfect. Prepare by avoiding questions about love life and Scientology. Extra credit: Attend several weddings at City Hall.

9. As former S.F. Mayor Willie Brown: Run the entire race in a three-piece suit and fedora. Prepare by embracing hat power at www.mrsdewsonhats.com. Extra credit: Shake hands with every single person in the race.

10. As a Muni bus: Fail to show up. Prepare by making sudden stops every five-10 minutes or so. Extra credit: Sleep through alarm clock and hop last-minute cab ride to the race.

11. Don't dress: Prepare by wandering nude around your neighborhood. Extra credit: Nude volleyball at Ocean Beach after the race ends.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/05/18/NSGJ9IS6FB1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle