april fool's day

11 THINGS: April Fool's Day

Thursday, March 30, 2006

1. The Chronicle merges with Salon.com and Craigslist: Continues to give the New York Times and Washington Post a run for their money. The new Web site -- www.craigsalonicle.com -- revitalizes entire West Coast media industry. Profits soar.

2. Karl Rove indicted: Confesses smear campaign against Joseph and Valerie Wilson nothing more than petty retaliation. Cheney flees to Brazil. Democrats issue statement about something or other.

3. New York Yankees cut payroll: Admit they are a bigger problem for baseball than steroids. Steinbrenner issues statement about "giving the Tampa Bays and Kansas Citys of the world a fighting chance." Red Sox, Mets follow suit.

4. AT&T removes name from Giants ballpark: Chief executive apologizes profusely for naming a baseball park after an everchanging phone company. Fans begin switching to AT&T.

5. Muni operates on time: Bus drivers smile. Riders talk comfortably with each other ... later everyone hugs.

6. Tony Soprano joins priesthood: Volunteers at soup kitchen during free time. Loses 75 pounds during first month of repentance.

7. Catholic Church embraces gays: Pope recognizes that we are all God's people. Throws all-night rave party at the Vatican. Cardinals and nuns last seen dancing the night away.

8. Rolling Stones agree to permanently stop touring: Confirm they are a traveling corporation out to rip off Baby Boomers. Jagger fesses up that lyrics have rung hollow for him since 1982. Keith Richards admits real Keith Richards actually died in 1977.

9. Apple switches from M4Ps to MP3s: Apologizes for upsetting customers by not allowing them to play iTunes on other music players. Agrees to drop letter "i" from ieverything in the ifuture.

10. Muzak banned: Muzak Holdings LLC admits product is obnoxious. Weeks after company dissolves, Americans begin waking up and paying attention again. Democrats reclaim House, Senate and the White House.

11. Bay Bridge construction complete: Under budget and well ahead of schedule. Leftover money returned to state. Toll booths torn down. Road rage rides off into sunset.

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spring cleaning

11 Things: Spring cleaning

Thursday, March 23, 2006

1. Your skin. Dr. Wilkinson's, Golden Haven, Calistoga Oasis Spa are just three of the many mud bath meccas in Calistoga. www.napavalley.com/regions/calistoga/spas.html.

2. Your stress. Take a hot bath or get a massage at Kabuki Hot Springs. 1750 Geary Blvd. (415) 922-6000; www.kabukisprings.com.

3. Your soul. Walk through Golden Gate Park's San Francisco Botanical Garden or have tea at the Japanese Tea Garden. www.sfbotanicalgarden.org or www.frp.org/japanese_tea_garden.asp.

4. Your cynical perspective. Buy a kite and head out to Crissy Field or Ocean Beach. If you're having a Charlie Brown kite moment, no worries. The views alone make it worth it.

5. Your brain. At the Oxygen Bar. Various aromatherapy blends available. 795 Valencia St. (415) 255-2102; www.oxygensf.com.

6. Your ears. Use Q-tips, then head to Amoeba Music. Be careful not to clean out your wallet in the process. www.qtips.com, www.amoebamusic.com.

7. Your pet. Treat your pet like a king at Bow Wow Meow in San Francisco or San Mateo (415) 440-2845 or (650) 802-2845. www.bowwowmeow.net or Pawtrero Hill Bathhouse & Feed, 199 Mississippi St., S.F. (415) 863-7297. www.pawtrero.com.

8. Your closet. While listening to Eminem's "Cleanin' Out My Closet," which you hadn't listened to in almost four years because that's how long it's been since you last cleaned out your closet.

9. Your drawers. Persuade yourself to sell those clothes you will never wear again at a thrift store. Better yet, donate them to Goodwill, which has 17 locations in the Bay Area. (415) 575-2100; www.goodwill.org.

10. Your clothes. At Brainwash Cafe and Laundromat, Tony Sparks hosts Comedy Night at 7 every Thursday. Laundromat open daily (with the last wash at 9:30 p.m.). 1122 Folsom St., S.F. (415) 861-3663; www.brainwash.com.

11. Your insides. Psyllium husk is the latest dietary rage for the 30-and-younger crowd. Use it and you'll find yourself cleaning out just about everything else that remains to be cleaned out.

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safe european home

green drinks

11 THINGS: Green Drinks

Thursday, March 16, 2006

1. Irish Car Bomb "Make drinks, not war." Half-pint of Guinness, 1/3 shot of Irish Cream Liqueur, 2/3 shot of Irish whiskey. Combine Irish Cream Liqueur and Irish whiskey in shot glass. Drop shot glass and its contents into Guinness. Everything curdles on contact (including your body as you drink it).

2. Irish coffee 3/4 cup coffee, 1 shot Irish whiskey, 1/3 cup whipped cream, 1 tsp. sugar, 1/2 tsp. cocoa powder. Plan B: Head to the Buena Vista Cafe, 2765 Hyde St., San Francisco (415) 474-5044; www.thebuenavista.com.

3. Guinness, Guinness or Guinness Can't decide which? 1) Head to the Inner Richmond. 2) Order one of each. 3) Lather, rinse, repeat. 4) Get tired of crowds. 5) Hail cab. 6) Stop and get some Guinness. 7) Get home. 8) Put Stiff Little Fingers' "Nobody's Heroes" album on stereo. 9) Turn up volume. 10) Have another Guinness. 11) Pass out.

4. Grasshopper 1 part green creme de menthe, 1 part white creme de cacao, 1 part light cream (for creamier effect, use ice cream instead of cream) (for stronger effect, add 1 oz. of vodka). Shake ingredients with ice, strain into cocktail glass, serve.

5. Midori Add this Japanese melon liqueur to just about anything and smile. www.midori-world.com.

6. Jell-O shots Mix green Jell-O w/distilled alcohol (such as vodka). Just like making Jell-O only you substitute 1/2 the water with alcohol. Allow at least two to three hours for everything to set. Allow two to three extra hours for waking up the next day.

7. Johnnie Walker Green After purchasing, allow two to three extra weeks for your wallet to return to normal.

8. Shamrock Shake Believe it or not, there is a Web site devoted to bringing back this famous shake: www.tiktok.org/shamrock. To remove all guilt associated with mentioning this, I bring you 9 and 10.

9. San Francisco Green Drinks A networking group that supports green business growth in San Francisco. 5:30-7:30 p.m. on the first Wed. of the month at Varnish, 77 Natoma St. E-mail Robin Park at robin.park@tpl.org or call (415) 495-5660, Ext. 339.

10. Sustainability Happy Hour -- East Bay A happy hour for people interested in sustainability. 5:30-7:30 p.m. the first Thurs. of the month at the Conga Lounge @ Cafe Rustica, 5422 College Ave., Oakland, (510) 654-1601.

11. Absinthe On June 14, 2004, the Swiss lifted a 96-year-old ban on absinthe. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said here in the U.S. "Absinthe only makes the heart grow fonder."

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fucking offensive hypocrites

sex and naughty language = bad
violence and war = good

the motherfuckers at the FCC should all resign in disgrace ....

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FCC: CBS Facing $3.6 Million Fine

- By JENNIFER C. KERR, Associated Press Writer
Wednesday, March 15, 2006

(03-15) 14:05 PST WASHINGTON, (AP) --

The government proposed a record fine of $3.6 million against dozens of CBS stations and affiliates Wednesday in a crackdown on what regulators called indecent television programming.

The Federal Communications Commission said a network program, "Without a Trace," that aired in December 2004 was indecent. It cited the graphic depiction of "teenage boys and girls participating in a sexual orgy."

The proposed fine was among decisions from the agency stemming from more than 300,000 complaints it received concerning nearly 50 TV shows broadcast between 2002 and 2005.

Rejecting an appeal by CBS, the FCC also upheld its previous $550,000 fine against 20 of the network's stations for the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl two years ago.

These were the first fines issued under FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, clearing a backlog of investigations into indecency complaints. The commission issued no fines last year.

"The number of complaints received by the commission has risen year after year," said the FCC's Martin. "I share the concerns of the public — and of parents, in particular — that are voiced in these complaints."

Responding to other complaints, the commission found that Fox Television Network violated decency standards during the 2003 Billboard Music Awards. During the broadcast, actress Nicole Richie uttered the "F" word and a common vulgarity for excrement.

"Each of these words is among the most offensive words in the English language," the FCC said. But it declined to issue a fine against Fox because at the time of the broadcast existing precedent indicated the commission would not take action against isolated use of expletives, the FCC said.

The commission also declined to fine Fox or its stations for the 2002 Billboard Music Awards, in which Cher uttered the "F" word.

Martin, a Republican, has long advocated a tough stand against indecency violators. Before becoming chairman last year, he complained in several cases that the agency should be fining broadcasters based on each offensive utterance, not each program. That way, the FCC could find several violations in a program.

Martin is also on record supporting legislation to increase the maximum fine an indecency violation could draw. The current maximum is $32,500 per incident, but some lawmakers have called for boosting the penalty to as high as $500,000.

There was overwhelming support for hiking fines in the months after the Jackson exposure two years ago, but legislation has fizzled in Congress.

On the Net:

Federal Communications Commission:

www.fcc.gov

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best places to view march madness (a to z)

11 Things: Best places to view March Madness (A to Z)

Thursday, March 9, 2006

1. The Arena. The good: The 19,000-plus seat Arena is hosting West Regional games on March 23 and 25. The bad: Games are already sold out. The asterisk: Tickets online can still be found in the $100-$500 range. 7000 Coliseum Way, Oakland. (510) 569-2121.

2. Connecticut Yankee. The good: More New England than New England itself. The bad: New Yorkers may not like that fact. The asterisk: Awesome memorabilia. 100 Connecticut St. (415) 552-4440; www.theyankee.com.

3. Elixir. The good: Will have every round of March Madness. The bad: Gets crowded quickly. The asterisk: Been around since the mid-1890s. 3200 16th St. (415) 552-1633; www.elixirsf.com.

4. Fourth Street Sports Bar & Deli. The good: Feels like a TV Hall of Mirrors. The bad: Mainly out-of-towners. The asterisk: You may actually bump into a Chron sportswriter. 55 Fourth St. (415) 442-6734.

5. Greens Sports Bar. The good: Stereotypical sports bar. The bad: Stereotypical sports bar. The asterisk: No asterisk. It's a stereotypical sports bar! 2239 Polk St. (415) 775-4287.

6. Kezar Pub. The good: Friendly bartenders. Great neighborhood bar. The bad: Having to sometimes watch games in a dimly lit back room. The asterisk: Hockey fans. 770 Stanyan St. (415) 386-9292.

7. Mad Dog in the Fog. The good: Really good beer selection. Toronado's nearby. The bad: Gets quite noisy. The asterisk: Filthy bathroom, but in a semi-endearing way. 530 Haight St. (415) 626-7279.

8. Ricky's Sports Theatre and Grill. The good: 75 TVs, walking distance from BART. The bad: Careful what you say about the Raiders. The asterisk: Sports Illustrated's No. 2 sports bar in America in 2005. 15028 Hesperian Blvd., San Leandro. (510) 352-0200; www.rickys.com/index.cfm.

9. Union Square Sports Bar. The good: Convenience! The bad: Shoppers and tourists. The asterisk: Happy hour from 4-7 p.m. 232 O'Farrell St. (415) 398-5665.

10. Zeke's. The good: Decent sports crowd. The bad: A wee bit too small. The asterisk: More of a baseball bar. 600 Third St. (415) 392-5311; www.zekesbar.com.

11. Home. The good: Comfy sofa, fully-stocked fridge. The bad: Your housemates want to watch something else. The asterisk: The cat's clearly insane.

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et voila

a seriously crappy way to go

Father and son die in manure pond at the dairy where they lived

- By JULIANA BARBASSA, AP Writer
Tuesday, March 7, 2006

(03-07) 15:31 PST Fresno, Calif. (AP) --

A dairy worker and his 8-year-old son died in a manure pit after going out at night to feed the calves at the dairy where they lived.

Luis Gutierrez, 27, and his son Luis Armando Gutierrez, ventured out on a dark, overcast night Saturday to check on the animals, investigators said. When they didn't come back, worried family members contacted the owners of Contente Dairy, in Grangeville, then the sheriff's department.

During an all-night search, investigators found Luis Gutierrez's stalled pick-up truck. Deputies believe the father and son got out of the truck and tried to take a shortcut home, stumbling across the manure pond.

Footsteps and signs of slipping near the edge of the 10-foot deep pit seemed to suggest one of them might have fallen in, said Kings Country Sheriff Allan McClain.

The dairy owner, Tony Contente, dredged the pond, and the bodies were pulled out soon after first light on Sunday, McClain said.

"We could see the dad seemed to be doing what he could to reach his son," McClain said. "But this stuff ... if you step in, it sucks you in."

Luis Gutierrez was known as a hardworking family man from Mexico who tried to make it to parent-teacher conferences in spite of his long days at the dairy, said Diane Cox, district superintendent at Union Elementary School.

Teachers and students remember Luis Armando Gutierrez as a smart, active second grader who learned English quickly and was about to get an award for meeting his grade-level reading standard, Cox said.

He was the oldest of four children Luis Gutierrez had with his wife, Maria, 22.

The county coroner is still working on the autopsy, but investigators don't suspect foul play. McClain said the pair may have drowned in the thick, foul-smelling sludge.

It's also possible they might have been overwhelmed with noxious gases emanating from the mixture, as was the case with the three other dairy workers who have died in manure pits in the San Joaquin Valley in the last five years.

One employee at a Merced County dairy was overcome by gases in February 2001 while trying to unclog a pipe at the bottom of a 40-foot pit. His co-worker lost consciousness and died trying to save him.

Another dairy employee asphyxiated while changing a pump in a manure pit in Stanislaus County in November 2003.

Cal-OSHA, the state's workplace safety office, is investigating the incident, spokesman Dean Fryer said.

They'll look into whether there were any barriers around the pond, what the father and son were doing out in that area at night, and what kind of safety training the dairy offered its employees, among other things, Fryer said.

Any possible fees or fines would hinge on the findings, he said.

URL: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2006/03/07/state/n153137S69.DTL

movie quotes (and who they're for)

11 THINGS: Best movie quotes (and who they're for)

Thursday, March 2, 2006

1. "You talkin' to me?"
"Taxi Driver" (1976) (for everyone who lives in the Mission ... and the Tenderloin)

2. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
"Apocalypse Now" (1979) (for the fine folks at Fox News)

3. "Rosebud."
"Citizen Kane" (1941) (for my employer)

4. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
"Network" (1976) (for everyone who is mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore)

5. "There's no place like home."
"Wizard of Oz" (1939) (for everyone who works in a cubicle)

6. "I'm walking here! I'm walking here!"
"Midnight Cowboy" (1969) (for anyone who has ever attempted to cross a street in San Francisco)

7. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"
"Dr. Strangelove" (1964) (for Donald Rumsfeld)

8. "Is it safe?"
"Marathon Man" (1976) (for Dick Cheney)

9. "I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not OK because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire."
"Office Space" (1999) (for the person who stole my stapler)

10. "A lot o' people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch o' unconnected incidents 'n things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice o' coincidence that lays on top o' everything. Give you an example, show you what I mean: Suppose you're thinkin' about a plate o' shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o' shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness."
"Repo Man" (1984) (for punks, hippies and religious people everywhere)

11. "Aloha, Mr. Hand!"
"Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (1982) (for everyone who lives for the weekend)
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