april fool's day

11 THINGS: April Fool's Day

Thursday, March 30, 2006

1. The Chronicle merges with Salon.com and Craigslist: Continues to give the New York Times and Washington Post a run for their money. The new Web site -- www.craigsalonicle.com -- revitalizes entire West Coast media industry. Profits soar.

2. Karl Rove indicted: Confesses smear campaign against Joseph and Valerie Wilson nothing more than petty retaliation. Cheney flees to Brazil. Democrats issue statement about something or other.

3. New York Yankees cut payroll: Admit they are a bigger problem for baseball than steroids. Steinbrenner issues statement about "giving the Tampa Bays and Kansas Citys of the world a fighting chance." Red Sox, Mets follow suit.

4. AT&T removes name from Giants ballpark: Chief executive apologizes profusely for naming a baseball park after an everchanging phone company. Fans begin switching to AT&T.

5. Muni operates on time: Bus drivers smile. Riders talk comfortably with each other ... later everyone hugs.

6. Tony Soprano joins priesthood: Volunteers at soup kitchen during free time. Loses 75 pounds during first month of repentance.

7. Catholic Church embraces gays: Pope recognizes that we are all God's people. Throws all-night rave party at the Vatican. Cardinals and nuns last seen dancing the night away.

8. Rolling Stones agree to permanently stop touring: Confirm they are a traveling corporation out to rip off Baby Boomers. Jagger fesses up that lyrics have rung hollow for him since 1982. Keith Richards admits real Keith Richards actually died in 1977.

9. Apple switches from M4Ps to MP3s: Apologizes for upsetting customers by not allowing them to play iTunes on other music players. Agrees to drop letter "i" from ieverything in the ifuture.

10. Muzak banned: Muzak Holdings LLC admits product is obnoxious. Weeks after company dissolves, Americans begin waking up and paying attention again. Democrats reclaim House, Senate and the White House.

11. Bay Bridge construction complete: Under budget and well ahead of schedule. Leftover money returned to state. Toll booths torn down. Road rage rides off into sunset.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/03/30/NSGB3HT5V91.DTL