columns that weren't columns

11 THINGS: Columns That Weren't Columns

Thursday, December 13, 2007

1. 11 Things: Cloud porn

What: Clouds so beautiful, they were obscene.
Why: Because talk of cloud porn would lead to talk of food porn would lead to talk of column porn.
Why it never happened: The word "porn" is word porn.

2. 11 Things: Emo

What: Kittens, teens and teardrops.
Why: To get in touch with our deepest, innermost thoughts.
Why it never happened: We were overcome with emotion.

3. 11 Things: Planted questions

What: Have you ever come up with an idea this wonderful?
Why: We've never come up with an idea this wonderful!
Why it never happened: Ask Hillary.

4. 11 Things: Public relations

What: Reaching out to our readers.
Why: Public relations.
Why it never happened: PR people kept interrupting us.

5. 11 Things: The mayor's race

What: The 11 people that ran against the mayor.
Why: Because 11 people were running against the mayor.
Why it never happened: Because it never happened.

6. 11 Things: Local football

What went wrong?
Why does it go wrong every year?
Why it never happened: Everything went wrong.

7. 11 Things: Gun control

What: A column bashing the NRA.
Why: Because they have too much influence.
Why it never happened: Got shot down.

8. 11 Things: Barry Manilow's nose

What: What?
Why: Why?
Why it never happened: God bless you.

9. 11 Things: Britney Spears

What: A column left entirely blank.
Why: Because that's precisely what we think.
Why it never happened: We stopped thinking about it.

10. 11 Things: The 12 days of Christmas

What: A countdown to Christmas.
Why: Because Christmas is just 12 days away!
Why it never happened: The 12 days come after, not before.

11. 11 Things: The Treachery of Images

What: Magritte.
Why: Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
Why it never happened: Because this is a column.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/12/NSKOTRIHD.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

rain songs

11 Things: Rain songs

Thursday, December 6, 2007

1. "Singin' in the Rain" Arthur Freed/Nacio Herb Brown (1929)

"Come on with the rain/ I've a smile on my face"

Random thoughts: About "A Clockwork Orange."
What I meant to say: "Hi, hi, hi there, my little droogies."

2. "Rain" The Beatles (1966)

"If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads/ they might as well be dead"

Random thoughts: The Beatles begin toying around with reverse lyrics.
What I meant to say: yas ot tnaem I tahW

3. "Rainy Day Women, Nos. 12 and 35" Bob Dylan (1966)

"Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good"

Random thoughts: 12 times 35.
What I meant to say: 420.

4. "Cold Rain and Snow" Grateful Dead (1966)

"Well, I married me a wife, she's been trouble all my life"

Random thoughts: I would exclude this if I lived anywhere else.
What I meant to say: I should replace this with Clapton's "Let It Rain."

5. "Who'll Stop the Rain?" Creedence Clearwater Revival (1970)

"And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain?"

Random thoughts: Apparently no one.
What I meant to say: Where are the protest songs of today?

6. "Rainy Days and Mondays" Williams/Nichols (1971)

"Talkin' to myself and feelin' old ..."

Random thoughts: The Carpenters?
What I meant to say: Nooooooooooooo!!!

7. "The Rain Song" Led Zeppelin (1973)

"This is the wonder of devotion ..."

Random thoughts: "Houses of the Holy" remains obligatory.
What I meant to say: "The Song Remains the Same."

8. "Purple Rain" Prince & the Revolution (1984)

"I never wanted to be your weekend lover/ I only wanted to be some kind of friend"

Random thoughts: People who don't necessarily love Prince still love this song.
What I meant to say: I still love this song.

9. "Rain" Tones on Tail (1984)

"She said, time to crush this feeling/ Writing very long letters as soon as it rains"

Random thoughts: Tones on Tail once played the I-Beam?
What I meant to say: I wish I were younger. No, wait ... I wish I were older.

10. "No Rain" Blind Melon (1993)

"And all I can do is just pour some tea for two/ And speak my point of view/ But it's not sane/ It's not sane"

Random thoughts: Listening to Shannon Hoon's whiny high-pitched voice isn't sane.
What I meant to say: Ouch.

11. "Chocolate Rain" Tay Zonday (2007) (courtesy of YouTube)

"Chocolate rain/ Seldom mentioned on the radio/ Chocolate rain/ It's the fear your leaders call control"

Random thoughts: The Darth Vader version is better than the original.
What I meant to say: The McGruff the Crime Dog version is better than both.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/05/NSH1TCBUL.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

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