columns that weren't columns

11 THINGS: Columns That Weren't Columns

Thursday, December 13, 2007

1. 11 Things: Cloud porn

What: Clouds so beautiful, they were obscene.
Why: Because talk of cloud porn would lead to talk of food porn would lead to talk of column porn.
Why it never happened: The word "porn" is word porn.

2. 11 Things: Emo

What: Kittens, teens and teardrops.
Why: To get in touch with our deepest, innermost thoughts.
Why it never happened: We were overcome with emotion.

3. 11 Things: Planted questions

What: Have you ever come up with an idea this wonderful?
Why: We've never come up with an idea this wonderful!
Why it never happened: Ask Hillary.

4. 11 Things: Public relations

What: Reaching out to our readers.
Why: Public relations.
Why it never happened: PR people kept interrupting us.

5. 11 Things: The mayor's race

What: The 11 people that ran against the mayor.
Why: Because 11 people were running against the mayor.
Why it never happened: Because it never happened.

6. 11 Things: Local football

What went wrong?
Why does it go wrong every year?
Why it never happened: Everything went wrong.

7. 11 Things: Gun control

What: A column bashing the NRA.
Why: Because they have too much influence.
Why it never happened: Got shot down.

8. 11 Things: Barry Manilow's nose

What: What?
Why: Why?
Why it never happened: God bless you.

9. 11 Things: Britney Spears

What: A column left entirely blank.
Why: Because that's precisely what we think.
Why it never happened: We stopped thinking about it.

10. 11 Things: The 12 days of Christmas

What: A countdown to Christmas.
Why: Because Christmas is just 12 days away!
Why it never happened: The 12 days come after, not before.

11. 11 Things: The Treachery of Images

What: Magritte.
Why: Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
Why it never happened: Because this is a column.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/12/NSKOTRIHD.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle