Thursday, June 28, 2007

paranoia

11 Things: Paranoia

Thursday, June 28, 2007

1. Money: You always say yes to ATM receipts because you're absolutely certain the bank will permanently screw up your account if you don't.

Addendum: Your bank account's an absolute mess anyway -- and has been ever since account summaries became available online.

2. Travel: You recently sent your passport renewal off in the U.S. mail.

Addendum: You are planning to leave the country in July.

3. Identity: You have an extra shredder for the shredded documents you just put through your shredder.

Addendum: You are seriously thinking of buying another.

4. Freedom: You hear fireworks and automatically assume that someone is firing at you.

Addendum: You live in the Mission, Western Addition, Hunters Point or the Tenderloin.

5. Public transit: You are frequently reminded of the fact that BART bathrooms are closed and may not ever open again.

Addendum: You are frequently reminded of this fact while riding in a BART elevator.

6. Vanity: You are just now beginning to realize every mirror you've ever looked at might actually be two-way.

Addendum: You are staring at a mirror as you realize this.

7. News: Your main news source is broadcast rather than print.

Addendum: Your main news source is Bill O'Reilly rather than print.

8. Drugs: You are reminded of "GoodFellas" every time you hear a helicopter in the sky.

Addendum: You are sweating profusely right now.

9. Neighbors: You are awakened late one night by your downstairs neighbor screaming the word "mother."

Addendum: You don't have a downstairs neighbor.

10. Music: Your music collection? All speed metal, all the time.

Addendum: Your diet? All coffee, all the time.

11. Work: You're the mayor of San Francisco, Supervisor Chris Daly, Supervisor Ed Jew or the manager or general manager of the San Francisco Giants.

Addendum: Or maybe you're just another average person working at a newspaper in the United States of America.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/28/NSGMRQLD5T1.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

Thursday, June 21, 2007

boys will be girls

11 Things: Boys Will Be Girls

Thursday, June 21, 2007

1. "Lola," the Kinks

Proof: "When she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine."
Gayness: "It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola."
Mates with: "All Day and All of the Night."
On bad days: "Destroyer."

2. "Walk on the Wild Side," Lou Reed

Proof: "Shaved her legs and then he was a she ..."
Gayness: Bowie co-produced the album.
Mates with: "Satellite of Love."
On bad days: "Dirty Boulevard."

3. "All the Young Dudes," Mott the Hoople

Proof: "Now Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen ..."
Gayness: Bowie wrote the song.
Mates with: T. Rex.
On bad days: "Ziggy Stardust."

4. "Rough Boys," Pete Townshend

Proof: "Tough boys/ Come over here/ I wanna bite and kiss you ..."
Gayness: Townshend admitted, then didn't, then said it didn't matter.
Mates with: "Slit Skirts."
On bad days: "Let My Love Open the Door."

5. "At the Gay Bar," Electric Six

Proof: The entire song.
Gayness: At the gay bar.
Mates with: Everyone.
On bad days: Everyone else.

6. "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!" X-Ray Spex

Proof: Oh Bondage.
Gayness: Up Yours!
Mates with: the Sex Pistols.
On bad days: "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick."

7. "Over the Rainbow," Judy Garland

Proof: "Somewhere over the rainbow."
Gayness: The rainbow.
Mates with: Toto.
On bad days: Kansas.

8. "Fernando," Abba

Proof: In the song titles.
Gayness: In the band.
Mates with: "Dancing Queen."
On bad days: "Chiquitita."

9. "Take Your Mama," Scissor Sisters

Proof: "It's a struggle/ Livin' like a good boy oughta ..."
Gayness: Ask your mama.
Mates with: the Bee Gees.
On bad days: Supertramp.

10. "Jet Boy, Jet Girl," Elton Motello

Proof: Can't explain it here.
Gayness: It's all in your head.
Mates with: Chron Gen.
On bad days: the Damned.

11. Duran Duran

Proof: Duran.
Gayness: Duran.
Mates with: Duran.
On bad days: Duran.

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

Thursday, June 14, 2007

worst. dads. ever.

1. Tony Soprano:

Guilty of: Committing every deadly sin in the book.

Redeeming qualities: Cool dreams, often hilarious, last seen having dinner with family.

2. Jack Bauer:

Guilty of: Being permanently stressed, fighting terror with terror, never eating, never going to the bathroom, always putting family second.

Redeeming qualities: Comic book hero, continually saving planet, dad on show is worse, dad in real life is cool.

3. Dick Cheney:

Guilty of: General humorlessness, not supporting lesbian rights despite daughter being lesbian.

Redeeming qualities: Unafraid to swear, leaving office soon.

4. Bill Clinton:

Guilty of: Confusing philandering with philanthropy, reintroducing Fleetwood Mac to populace.

Redeeming qualities: First black president, skilled with sax, last president to speak in complete sentences.

5. Al Bundy:

Guilty of: Blaming family for most of what goes wrong in his life.

Redeeming qualities: Daughter played by Christina Applegate.

6. Richard Schlichting (Alan Alda's character in "Flirting With Disaster."):

Guilty of: Being a careless acid farmer, making adopted children not want to search for birth parents.

Redeeming qualities: Wife's character played by Lily Tomlin.

7. Homer Simpson:

Guilty of: Sloth, lethargy, too many doughnuts, too much Duff.

Redeeming qualities: Introduced rooftop chimney grilling to public.

8. Frank Costanza:

Guilty of: Being more concerned with Steinbrenner trading Jay Buhner than apparent death of son, fathering son in the first place.

Redeeming qualities: Introduced "Serenity now!" to public.

9. Charlie Sheen:

Guilty of: Often being mentioned in same breath as Heidi Fleiss, coke addiction, accidentally shooting fiancee, appearing in "Terminal Velocity."

Redeeming qualities: Appeared as self in "Being John Malkovich," cool dad.

10. Adam:

Guilty of: Eating fruit from tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Redeeming qualities: Rib formed Eve.

11. Father Time:

Guilty of: Mortality, decay, rot, erosion, amnesia, gray hair, bellies and balding.

Redeeming qualities: Sunsets remain interesting, newspapers stay fresh.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/14/NSGV5QC9FE1.DTL

Thursday, June 07, 2007

beyond street view

11 Things: Beyond Street View

Thursday, June 7, 2007

1. Google Merge

Essentially: Merges the real world with the virtual world, making them utterly indistinguishable.

Pros: Allergies cured. Avatars improved dramatically.
Cons: Sim City declares bankruptcy. Live music no longer interesting.

2. Google Mindreader

Essentially: Reads your mind.

Pros: Click left arrow, get angelic thoughts. Click straight ahead, get food.
Cons: Click right arrow, get devilish thoughts. Click reverse, apologize.

3. Google Stethoscope

Essentially: Google Street View with a microphone.
Pros: Doves cooing.
Cons: Crack addicts screaming.

4. Google Jukebox

Essentially: Every song ever recorded on a jukebox.
Pros: Insane variety.
Cons: Yanni, Zamfir and Christian rock.

5. Google Animal View

Essentially: Google Street View with mini cameras on the heads of animals.

Pros: Better variety of images and angles.
Cons: Many animals don't return.

6. Google Bedroom View

Essentially: Google Street View with X-ray vision.

Pros: Web traffic explodes.
Cons: Grandparents making love.

7. Google Night Vision

Essentially: Google Street View with night vision goggles.

Pros: Chance to say "Google Goggles" more frequently.
Cons: Slightly militaristic.

8. Google MUNI

Essentially: Google Street View on the bus.

Pros: You learn how impossibly crowded the bus is before it arrives.
Cons: You learn how impossibly crowded the bus is before it arrives.

9. Google Grassy Knoll

Essentially: Determines who shot JFK.

Pros: Ends the debate once and for all.
Cons: Ends Oliver Stone's career once and for all.

10. Google Microsoft

Essentially: Google swallows up Microsoft.

Pros: PCs finally become user-friendly.
Cons: Google later swallows up Coke, Pepsi, the moon, the stars, the sun, your existence and all the tea in China.

11. Google Google

Essentially: You and a few thousand close friends show up at Google headquarters to take a few million photos (then upload them onto the Web).

Pros: Google staffers captured doing questionable things.
Cons: The inevitable double standard of Google asking you to cease and desist.

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle