paranoia

11 Things: Paranoia

Thursday, June 28, 2007

1. Money: You always say yes to ATM receipts because you're absolutely certain the bank will permanently screw up your account if you don't.

Addendum: Your bank account's an absolute mess anyway -- and has been ever since account summaries became available online.

2. Travel: You recently sent your passport renewal off in the U.S. mail.

Addendum: You are planning to leave the country in July.

3. Identity: You have an extra shredder for the shredded documents you just put through your shredder.

Addendum: You are seriously thinking of buying another.

4. Freedom: You hear fireworks and automatically assume that someone is firing at you.

Addendum: You live in the Mission, Western Addition, Hunters Point or the Tenderloin.

5. Public transit: You are frequently reminded of the fact that BART bathrooms are closed and may not ever open again.

Addendum: You are frequently reminded of this fact while riding in a BART elevator.

6. Vanity: You are just now beginning to realize every mirror you've ever looked at might actually be two-way.

Addendum: You are staring at a mirror as you realize this.

7. News: Your main news source is broadcast rather than print.

Addendum: Your main news source is Bill O'Reilly rather than print.

8. Drugs: You are reminded of "GoodFellas" every time you hear a helicopter in the sky.

Addendum: You are sweating profusely right now.

9. Neighbors: You are awakened late one night by your downstairs neighbor screaming the word "mother."

Addendum: You don't have a downstairs neighbor.

10. Music: Your music collection? All speed metal, all the time.

Addendum: Your diet? All coffee, all the time.

11. Work: You're the mayor of San Francisco, Supervisor Chris Daly, Supervisor Ed Jew or the manager or general manager of the San Francisco Giants.

Addendum: Or maybe you're just another average person working at a newspaper in the United States of America.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/28/NSGMRQLD5T1.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle