critical mass

11 THINGS: Gridlock edition

Friday, September 28, 2007

To help you chill out while you wait for Critical Mass to pass by, Chronicle staff writer Tim Sullivan suggests:

1. Science: Understand that Earth is rotating at a little more than 1,000 miles an hour. Multiply this by the cosine of your latitude and realize you're actually moving much faster than you think.

2. Food: Have your dinner delivered directly to your car ... via bike messenger, of course.

3. Three words: Glove compartment inventory.

4. Three letters: NPR.

5. Diagnostics: Crank-call OnStar ... (continue until all the cyclists are gone).

6. Om: Ommmmmmmmmmm.

7. Music: Iron Maiden. Volume 11 ... (oh, wait ... we're supposed to be chillin').

8. Linguistics: Come up with new swear words. Realize it's much easier than you think.

9. Sex: Briefly ponder former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. Repent.

10. Irony: Read the newspaper (paying particularly close attention to this list ... and the fact that I don't own a car).

11. Life: Breathe in and out. There. Like that.

Read Tim Sullivan's "11 Things" every Thursday in The Chronicle's 96 Hours section. E-mail: tsullivan@sfchronicle.com.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/28/MNTVSFIOU.DTL

This article appeared on page A - 1 of the San Francisco Chronicle

libra

11 Things: Libra

Thursday, September 27, 2007

1. Philosophy: Libra sees both sides of everything.
Libra also sees both sides of seeing both sides of everything.
Libra is unhappy about seeing both sides of seeing both sides of everything.
Libra is happy to tell you this.

2. Politics: Libra is diplomatic, well balanced and appreciative.
Libra is indecisive, immovable and uncertain.
Libra has called for a confidential, closed-door meeting between both sides of Libra.
Libra believes we can work it out.

3. Festivals: Libra counts at least 25 fairs and festivals in the Bay Area this weekend.
Libra says there's so much to do, Libra can't decide.
Libra decides not deciding is not a good decision.
Libra decides to attend them all.

4. Personality: Libra is modest and confident.
Libra is vain and tentative.
Libra doesn't care what you think.
Libra is curious what you think about this.

5. Life: Libra is a wise old man.
Libra is an energetic young child.
Libra is a wise young child.
Libra is an energetic old man.

6. Nightlife: Libra wants to get in bed at 9 p.m. and sleep until noon ...
(after someone reads Libra a good bedtime story).
Libra wants to get in bed at 9 a.m. and sleep until midnight ...
(after dancing all night to music about a good bedtime story).

7. Film: Libra really enjoyed "... And Justice for All."
Libra thinks it's an injustice that Al Pacino didn't win an Oscar for his early films.
Libra believes giving him an Oscar for a mediocre later film didn't make up for this.
Libra feels like Tony Montana now.

8. Current Events: Libra wants to flee the United States.
Libra wants to stay and improve things.
Libra lives somewhere between could and should.
Libra lives in San Francisco.

9. Music: Libra thinks Patsy Cline's "Crazy" is just as crazy as Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy."
Libra thinks Heart's "Crazy on You" isn't all that crazy.
Libra thinks it's not even as crazy as "Barracuda."
Libra thinks it doesn't matter 'cause Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" is crazier than all the others combined.

10. Writing: Libra believes everything Libra just wrote here.
Libra doesn't believe a single word of it.
Libra confuses ...
Libra.

11. Astrology: Libra laughs.
Libra snorts.
Libra giggles.
Libra cavorts.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/27/NSHTSDPFU.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

i've been tired

9/9 dinosaur jr.
9/19 cat power
9/23 bad brains
9/25 !!!
10/8 turbonegro

we admit

11 Things: We Admit ...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

1. That summer never ends in San Francisco ... and it rarely begins.

2. We really have no idea where Tom Stienstra is.

3. We're permanently conflicted about whether or not to list the Collector's Gallery of the Oakland Museum under galleries or museums.

4. We're caught up in so many social networking sites right now, we no longer have time to be social.

5. We don't always have time to write back to every person who writes in. Most of the time this is because ...

a) we're on the phone (with our lawyer)

b) we're in a meeting (to determine when we should hold our next meeting)

c) we're deleting spam (at a slower pace than the spam arrives) or

d) we're forwarding your e-mails (to a more "appropriate" department).

6. Most items in 5d eventually get forwarded back to us (and we forward them again).

7. We also don't have time because ...

e) we're sunbathing on the roof

f) we're hiding from Nevada law enforcement

g) we're playing soccer in the hallway or

h) we're reading the newspaper in the bathroom.

8. Our defense of item 7h as "work-related" may not be entirely defensible.

9. We're high as a kite right now ... on iced coffee.

10. We occasionally ponder the idea of our own Letters to the Editor section, but some of you actually seem fairly mean.

11. That summer never begins in San Francisco ... and it rarely ends.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/20/NSASS7RKK.DTL

backhand(ed compliments)

11 Things: Backhand(ed Compliments)

Thursday, September 13, 2007

1. Nice clothes: Like when your girlfriend tells you she'll be doing her laundry this Saturday ...

and you tell her, "That sounds like fun."

2. Nice selection: Like when you're on a long road trip with your parents ...

and they control the radio.

3. Niiice: Like when guys are talking to each other about anything ... or girls are talking to each other ...

about guys.

4. Nice reading: Like when your cousin mentions he reads Playboy for the articles and your other cousin says,

"Yeah, they're quite informative."

5. Nice dancing: Like ...

Britney.

6. Nice hair: Like...

Paris.

7. Nice job: Like when you were channel surfing the other day and came upon the president thanking the Austrian troops ...

in Australia.

8. Nice try: Like when others can't recall why they forgave the politicians who can't recall and no one can recall and ...

can't we just recall them all?

9. Nice people: Like the smile on your face when you're communicating with a TSA agent at the airport ... right after he made you throw away your morning coffee ...

and patted down your niece.

10. Nice architecture: Like when someone tells you how much they really love that new building going up downtown and you say "Yeah, it's exciting ...

like a brand new tube of toothpaste."

11. Nice like: Like when you tell someone ...

"Yeah, like that."

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/13/NSO2S3FOI.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle