stupid pigeons

11 THINGS: Not to Do on Earth Day

Thursday, April 19, 2007

1. Accept plastic bags: Seriously, is it really that hard to bring your own bag?

Reason? Your current plastic bag collection is already magnificent.

Exceptions? Urban dog walkers and suburban mulch movers.

2. Accept takeout chopsticks or sporks: Try saying, "No thank you." If necessary, say it again.

Reason? You already have a billion chopsticks and sporks at home.

Exceptions? People using chopsticks or sporks for art projects.

3. Play hippie music: Earth Day doesn't have to be pigeonholed into someone's late '60s-early '70s backyard time capsule.

Reason? It's 2007.

Exceptions? Damn hippies.

4. Put a hole in a pigeon: Actually, we've recently learned you're never supposed to do this.

Reason? Pigeons hate being pigeonholed.

Exceptions? Believe me, we're still trying to come up with some.

5. Drive car: Especially if surrounded by cyclists.

Reason? We're all in this together.

Exceptions? None.

6. Throw bike through car window: Take a step back from your anger and breathe.

Reason? Most of us are in this together.

Exceptions? If it happens to be your car and no one is in it.

7. Get upset at the newspaper: Take a step back from your newspaper and breathe.

Reason? Some of us are in this together.

Exceptions? People who work at newspapers.

8. Water your lawn: Your precious, precious lawn.

Reason? Trust me, your lawn is beautiful enough already.

Exceptions? People with lawns entered in Miss Universe contests.

9. Wash your car: Your beautiful, beautiful car.

Reason? You'll feel less guilty about water usage when flushing your toilet.

Exceptions? Flying-car owners.

10. Bark at the moon: Despite those natural urges and primordial pangs, you really ought to be focusing on Earth.

Reason? The moon already has its own day (Halloween).

Exceptions? Dogs, werewolves, moon bats, Ozzy and columnists.

11. Leave the lights on: Why give more money to Pacific Gas and Electric Co.?

Reason? Yours truly just got up ... and left the room.

Exceptions? The lightbulbs above your head.