hospitals need hospitals

11 THINGS: Hospitals Need Hospitals

Thursday, November 16, 2006

1. Really disappointing: Ten years ago, a 20-minute doctor appointment was $5. Now a five-minute appointment is $20. Patients blame doctors. Doctors blame HMOs. HMOs blame patients -- and real health care evaporates, just like your money.

2. "Call the Doctor": (Sleater-Kinney) "Call the doctor (you) / call the doctor (are)/ call the doctor (not)/ call the doctor (me)."

3. Really disturbing: The seemingly very long wait between that first tinge of panic and the arrival of the ambulance.

4. "9-1-1 Is a Joke": (Public Enemy) "Hit me/ Going, going, gone/ Now I dialed 9-1-1 a long time ago/ Don't you see how late they're reactin'."

5. Really disconnected: Phone calls aren't allowed in the waiting room. Neither are tones louder than hushed. The worst magazines on the planet sit there staring at you, just like the strange fish swimming around in the even stranger fish bowl.

6. "Waiting Room": (Fugazi) "I am a patient boy/ I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait/ My time is water down a drain."

7. Really disgusting: The hospital cafeteria food should have dialed 9-1-1 a long time ago. Perhaps I'll just have a soda.

8. "Institutionalized": (Suicidal Tendencies): "All I wanted was a Pepsi (and she wouldn't give it to me)."

9. Really disillusioning: Doctors and nurses say "We'll be back in five to 10 minutes." Translation: "We'll be back in five to 10 hours with enough paperwork to make you seriously ill again."

10. "Feel the Pain": (Dinosaur Jr.): "I feel the pain of everyone/ and then I feel nothing."

11. Really disconcerting: My dad had a heart attack last week and spent some time in the hospital.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

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