father's day gifts to avoid

11 THINGS: Father's Day Gifts to avoid

Thursday, June 15, 2006

1. Old Spice You want dad to smell halfway decent ... and mom fully concurs.

2. A tie Yes ... I'm asking that you use at least one creative brain cell this Sunday. Just one. OK ... maybe two.

3. A case of cheap beer You might personally embrace Pabst Blue Ribbon, Tecate or Brew 102 like there's no tomorrow, but that doesn't mean dad does -- unless, of course he does -- in which case, get him a case.

4. A 2006 calendar It's June ... would you really consider buying him half of something?

5. Post-its, batteries, paper clips, Sharpies or Wite-Out Yes, even dad is pretty damn certain you stole these items from work.

6. A Dodgers, Angels or Yankees cap I'm going out on a limb here and assuming you love your dad.

7. Ann Coulter's new book Unless, of course, dad lives in a cave ... then it's perfectly acceptable.

8. The "American Beauty" DVD Great film, not such a great Father's Day gift.

9. The White Album The thought of dad sitting there listening to "Revolution No. 9," "Helter Skelter" or "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" on Father's Day is, quite simply, too strange to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate to contemplate ... Stick with "Rubber Soul," "Revolver" or a different band entirely.

10. Viagra If an explanation is needed or you still have doubts after four hours, please use the gift money you just saved to consult with a psychiatrist.

11. A heart attack Don't announce you're dropping out of college, don't show him your blog (or newspaper column), don't tell him you completely failed your Economics 101 final, don't tell him you eloped, don't tell him you crashed the family car last night, don't discuss politics ... and, above all else, don't sleep until noon! Get up and give him a hug already ... and then get out there and mow the lawn.

He'll appreciate it more than you know.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/06/15/NSGPSJABKT1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle