surviving summer jobs

11 THINGS: Surviving Summer Jobs

Thursday, June 8, 2006

1. Flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant Bring your own lunch ... eat it on way to work ... use entire lunch break to frantically search for another job.

2. Typing in Mom or Dad's office Learn to type ... with at least two fingers ... ask for handsome raise on second day of work ... if parents balk, threaten to strike.

3. Shagging balls at the local driving range Put on world's largest helmet ... stay out of mud when shagging ... run in opposite direction after randomly driving balls onto nearby freeway.

4. Scooping ice cream at Baskin-Robbins Before sampling all 31 flavors on your very first morning, be sure you have decent health insurance.

5. Mowing lawns or lifeguarding Wear plenty of sunscreen (preferably SPF60 or higher). Understand that this advice has nothing to do with Kurt Vonnegut.

6. DJing at a local radio station Always play: "Summer Lovin' " (Vandals version), Frank Sinatra's "Summer Wind" (with volume maxed out), the Go-Go's "We Got the Beat," Petula Clark's "Downtown," Donovan's "Sunshine Superman" and the Ramones' "Rockaway Beach" ... Never play: anything by Bryan Adams.

7. Waitering / Waitressing Great service = great tips ... bad service = bad tips ... large parties + declining math skills often = crazy wonderful tips.

8. Collecting bridge tolls Crank Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden ... especially when large trucks go by ... know that it's OK if you don't say hi to every single person who goes by.

9. Working at the local movie theater Implore management to slash prices in half and do away with all pre-movie advertising smarminess ... try not to think too much about the popcorn butter.

10. Driving a taxi or limo Look in mirror ... note that you're not a race car driver ... try not to give passengers heart attacks ... never ask passengers for directions.

11. President of the United States Admit that the war in Iraq is a complete failure based on a lie ... accept own resignation.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/06/08/NSGGPJ600P1.DTL

This article appeared on page H - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle