groundhog day

11 Things: Groundhog Day

Thursday, February 1, 2007

1. If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow in Gobbler's Knob on Friday morning, there will be six more weeks of winter. Unfortunately for us, Phil has seen his shadow 96 times since 1887.

2. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring. We have no sensible system of seasons here in California, so there will be no sensible system in the predictions that follow.

3. If he sees it, you will not pass Go, you will not collect $200 and you will frequently get stuck in Bay Bridge traffic for the next six weeks.

4. If he does not, you will pass Go, hop on BART and have a joyously smooth commute for the next six weeks. You will smile more frequently.

5. If he sees it, you will take a short walk on Market Street between Fifth and Eighth while listening to "Once in a Lifetime" and neurotically focusing on the part that repeats "same as it ever was." You will later get a citation for feeding the pigeons.

6. If he does not, you will take a long walk along the Embarcadero while listening to "A Clean Break." You will spot a random cooing dove or two. You will then find yourself eating the best meal of your life ... and having someone else pay for it.

7. If he sees it, you will continue avoiding laundry while randomly purchasing new underwear instead.

8. If he does not, you will vow to do all of your laundry today, including sheets, pillowcases, bedspreads and everything in between. You will also vacuum like a madman. Spring will be here soon and you need to be ready.

9. If he sees it, you will review this year's State of the Union address before lowering the shades and drifting back to sleep. As you drift, you will listen to "The Song Remains the Same" and wonder why you're frowning at the part that goes "California sunlight, sweet Calcutta rain, Honolulu starbright -- the song remains the same."

10. If he does not, you will listen to "Here Comes the Sun" and write a brilliant letter to your representatives in Washington. You will "cc" the editors at your local newspaper.

11. If he sees it, you will smash your alarm clock tomorrow morning and every morning for the next six weeks. You will then purchase a new alarm clock each day ... but not until you're done purchasing more new underwear.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com
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URL: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgifile=/c/a/2007/02/01/NSG0SNQ42F1.DTL