timmay!!!!!

get well soon, dave roberts!!!!!

2010-05-03T15:45:00.001-07:00

i am superman

2010-04-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

happy birthday angus young!!!!!

2010-03-31T17:55:00.000-07:00

modern journalism 101

2010-02-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

a) plagiarism = bad

b) borrowing stories from other sources, laying off people and outsourcing everything to scab volunteers = good

25 songs

2009-06-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

1. pigs (three different ones) - pink floyd
2. jinx removing - jawbreaker
3. neat neat neat - the damned
4. emotional rescue - the rolling stones
5. jingle of a dog's collar - butthole surfers
6. someday i suppose - mighty mighty bosstones
7. beverly hills - circle jerks
8. where were you? - the mekons
9. another girl, another planet - the only ones
10. she's calling you - bad brains
11. foreplay / long time - boston
12. nothing left - buzzcocks
13. waiting room - fugazi
14. little guitars - van halen
15. death or glory - the clash
16. autumn walker - jets to brazil
17. bastards of young - the replacements
18. hey hey what can i do - led zeppelin
19. i've been tired - the pixies
20. man-size - pj harvey
21. say it ain't so - weezer
22. summer lovin' - the vandals
23. 7 powers - the lemonheads
24. time the avenger - the pretenders
25. gotta getaway - stiff little fingers

king khan & the shrines

2009-05-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: King Khan & the Shrines

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Digging curiously through the ampersands of time, we found King Khan & the Shrines traveling somewhere north of North Dakota and then, just as quickly as we found them, we lost them again ... only to find them reappearing a few days later somewhere deep inside the great big heart of Alberta. By this point, it had become increasingly obvious to us that the band was unstoppable. But if you think this saddened us, or made us feel down in some small fashion, think again. Knowing that King Khan & the Shrines were unstoppable only made the following facts - and the band members' decision to share them with us - that much sweeter:

1. Old & Wise: "The combined ages of King Khan & the Shrines is 384."

2. Brother & Sister: "Bamboorella, the GoGo dancer, and Ben Ra, the sax player, are the first legitimate brother/sister love affair and have been ex-communicated from all societies except the Shrines."

3. Fate & Coincidence: "Mr. Speed-finger, the Shrines lead guitar player, went to high school with the dude from Stereo Total."

4. Talented & Fun: "Fredovitch, the organ master, was featured in Bass Player magazine in 1998 for being able to play the 'Ghostbusters' theme on slap bass."

5. Sweet & Delicious: "Ron Streeter, percussionist extraordinaire, has been known to cry tears of vanilla ice cream."

6. Righteous & Worthy: "King Khan & the Shrines raised enough money in 2007 to build a school in Ecuador (this is true!)."

7. Strange & Amazing: "Big Fred Rollercoaster, the baritone sax player, has the longest fingers in all of France."

8. Unbeaten & Unbelievable: "A statue was erected in Wolfshagen, the hometown of Simon the Amazing Trumpet Player, for his still unbeaten record as women's arm wrestling champion of the East German Olympics."

9. Furby & RoboCop: "The Shrines rescued a Thunderdome reject who is like the living version of a Furby and RoboCop who, over the years, has morphed into their soundman."

10. Related & Unrelated: "Recent DNA tests have shown that King Khan is definitely not related to the Kennedy family or Michael Jackson."

11. Where & When: King Khan & the Shrines play a free show at 5:30 this afternoon at Amoeba before taking over the Great American Music Hall tonight at 9 tonight. Amoeba Music, 1855 Haight St., S.F. (415) 831-1200. www.amoeba.com; Great American Music Hall, 859 O'Farrell St., S.F. (415) 885-0750. www.gamh.om.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/05/28/NSUJ17O1UU.DTL

This article appeared on page F - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

144 things i love

2009-03-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

Thursday, March 5, 2009

1. The sky to the east at sunrise. 2. ShamWow! 3. Iced coffee. 4. Fresca. 5. T. Rex. 6. Club Six. 7. "The Magnificent Seven." 8. Dirk McQuickly. 9. "The White Album." 10. 10cc. 11. Root beer. 12. Root Division. 13. Funston Ave. 14. Hubris. 15. Dustin Pedroia. 16. Jack Boulware. 17. Jack Kerouac.8. J. Georgie's Donuts, Teriyaki and Hamburger. 19. The pink elephants at Zeitgeist. 20. The Hemlock jukebox. 21. The Homestead jukebox. 22. Bicycles. 23. Home. 24. Mary Lynn Rajskub. 25. Okonomiyaki. 26. Dubaku. 27. Spoon. 28. Spooning. 29. Leaving. 30. Returning. 31. Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia. 32. GETV. 33. The 33 bus. 34. David Ortiz. 35. Rich Aurilia. 36. Gonzo Grape Bubblicious. 37. Gonzo journalism. 38. .38 Special. 39. Sutro Baths. 40. Sutro Tower. 41. Mabu dofu. 42. Bouncer. 43. Bubbles. 44. Breaking rules. 45. Pedro Martinez. 46. Pancakes. 47. Darkness. 48. The Dark Room. 49. "Donnie Darko." 50. Shabu-shabu. 51. Poutine. 52. Protein. 53. "Damages." 54. Brutal honesty. 55. Tim Lincecum. 56. Moxie. 57. The Roxie. 58. Joan Jett. 59. Tina Weymouth. 60. "Neat Neat Neat." 61. Nihilism. 62. Narcissism. 63. Bibimbap. 64. Bartender Johnny Davis. 65. Virginia Woolf's "The Waves." 66. links.sfgate.com/ZGGT. 67. Qwitter. 68. People who hate Muzak. 69. The Armory flags. 70. Oranger. 71. Oranges. 72. Lemons. 73. Lemonade. 74. Lemonheads' "Lick." 75. Lick-Wilmerding. 76. Ding Dongs. 77. 1977 Mopeds. 78. 1978. 79. "1979." 80. "Women and Children First." 81. "Fair Warning." 82. Philip K. Dick. 83. Charles Bukowski. 84. Coincidence. 85. Drama. 86. Dramamine. 87. Beer. 88. Meatwad. 89. Time capsules. 90. "Time the Avenger." 91. Running through the N-Judah tunnel. 92. Angus Young. 93. Neil Young. 94. Cy Young. 95. "Forever Young." 96. Innocence. 97. Incense. 98. Peppermints. 99. Irina Slutsky. 100. The Scorpions. 101. Trader Joe's. 102. Trader Sam's. 103. Trader Vic's. 104. Repercussions. 105. Reverberations. 106. The Replacements. 107. Pokey Reese. 108. The hokey pokey. 109. Health. 110. Insurance. 111. Health insurance. 112. Writing. 113. Rewriting. 114. Fretting. 115. Dave Chappelle. 116. Dave Roberts. 117. The James Gang. 118. Rick James. 119. Sweet Polly Purebred. 120. Underdog. 121. The Undertones. 122. Underwear. 123. Pants. 124. "24 Hour Revenge Therapy." 125. "Bivouac." 126. "Unfun." 127. Fun. 128. Jerry Harrison. 129. Jerry Roberts. 130. Robert Frost. 131. Robert Duvall. 132. Robert Levy. 133. The walls at Connecticut Yankee. 134. The golf course in Golden Gate Park. 135. The elevator at the Fillmore. 136. The elevators at the Westin St. Francis. 137. The nurses at St. Luke's. 138. Lust. 139. Hal Hartley's "Trust." 140. Rajon Rondo. 141. "Blue Rondo a la Turk." 142. Words. 143. Newspapers. 144. The sky to the west at sundown.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/03/05/NS1E165RSS.DTL

This article appeared on page F - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

litpunk

2009-02-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: LitPunk

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Comparing late 1970s America with present-day America seems to become easier with each passing day. The downswing in the economy, the upswing in lawlessness, the seemingly nationwide post-traumatic political disorder, the DIY-direction of music and media allow comparisons to one-up contrasts almost effortlessly. This weekend's LitPunk event provides us with another one-up victory for comparisons. What is it? An alternative to LitQuake. Why now? We contacted the LitPunk creators and asked them to explain:

John Shirley (author and former punk-rock front man)

1. "Local literary festivals seem too mainstream and not inclusive enough of genre - and festering deep in my brain is a lesion, or possibly a memory, of the vital intensity of punk rock and how it can be fused with words on the artistic level; anger mated with satire giving birth to irony that mates again with anger, giving birth to ... LitPunk!"

2. "Richard Kadrey, Charles Gatewood, Rain Graves, Blag, Michael Layne-Heath, Johnny Strike, Charlie Anders and I know perfectly well that it is completely impossible to shock San Francisco, especially with literature and performance art, but somebody has to try. The edge is out there somewhere. We're blindly feeling our way along the pavement, looking for it."

Blag Dahlia (The Dwarves)

3. "The new Youth Brigade movie - how did a punk band no one wants to listen to wind up making the best documentary of the year?"

4. "Franz Kafka - he died miserable and alone with nothing published, sure that his existence had no value whatsoever. Sounds pretty punk to me!"

5. "No one bought my records or my books, yet young girls from all over the world still insist on sleeping with me just to infuriate their parents. Long live the Dwarves!"

Charlie Anders (author and "Writers With Drinks" impresario)

6. "Literary peeps and punk rockers totally belong together because we have wacky hair, hate bathing and can't dance to save our lives."

7. "Writers are born crusty! And just get crustier!"

8. "If the staff at Dog Eared Books and Modern Times and Borderlands formed a band together, I would go to all their gigs and let them pierce whatever part of me they wanted. It would be that hard-core."

Johnny Strike (author and Crime front man)

9. "I consider my short stories like punk rock songs: short, raw and at times ending in sublime chaos. They're collected in 'A Loud Humming Sound Came From Above.' "

10. "I'm a crime writer. It's all the same to me."

11. LitPunk takes place 7:30-9:30 p.m. Sat. $5. Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd St., San Francisco. (415) 647-2888. www.makeoutroom.com or www.johnshirley.net.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/26/NSM6161UFI.DTL

This article appeared on page F - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

homelessness

2009-02-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Homelessness

Thursday, February 19, 2009

"Hobos to Street People: Artists' Responses to Homelessness From the New Deal to the Present" opens today at the California Historical Society. We asked several of the exhibition collaborators to share 11 thoughts on the subject of homelessness. The following were kind enough to participate: Paul Boden, executive director, Western Regional Advocacy Project; David Crosson, executive director, California Historical Society; Art Hazelwood, exhibition curator and contributing artist; and Adrienne McGraw, executive director, California Exhibition Resources Alliance.

1. Humanity: "Economic parallels between the Great Depression and today are seen everywhere, but in this exhibition, the human experience is portrayed." (A.M.)

2. Adversity: "Once they were called hobos and tramps, now they are called street people and homeless. The treatment of the homeless in the arts reflects how society has thought of its poorest members. You can see this in the 'noble' portrayals by WPA artists of the 1930s and in contrast how the artists of the 1980s tended to portray the homeless as degenerates unworthy of the government's interest. Contemporary California artists, however are witnessing, documenting and commenting on today's poverty in ways more akin to the artists of the Depression era. This is what this exhibition is about - where we are now, and where we were then." (A.M.)

3. Tranquility: "Shelter is one of the most fundamental of all human needs and often commands very powerful reactions. This exhibition explores artists' reactions to the issue, from the 1930s to the present." (A.M.)

4. Diversity: "A wide range of artists' approaches to expressing their message is explored. From street posters to radical magazines, from graphic novels to WPA print shops and murals, the exhibition features a wide variety of cultural viewpoints, historical perspectives and positions, from photos by Dorothea Lange to artwork pulled from today's various homeless publications." (A.H.)

5. Equality: "The art in this exhibition is a reminder that despite economic hard times, in the past we were able to reach into our better natures and create a more just and egalitarian society." (A.H.)

6. Ingenuity: "Homeless people have been known to build more than just huts out of cardboard boxes, as demonstrated by the celebrated building projects of the New Deal." (P.B.)

7. Morality: "This exhibition will raise difficult questions with political and moral overtones concerning how society has viewed homelessness and what the government's role has been and should be. The complementary programs and lectures will be provocative and controversial." (A.H.)

8. Poverty: "Now, 75 years after the New Deal responded to the devastating impact of the Great Depression by creating powerful programs to assist those in poverty, people are looking to the new administration and asking, 'Will there be a new New Deal?' " (A.M.)

9. Integrity: "The artwork in the exhibition will make you think about how art can create change and how it may change you. It will prove once and for all that history is not about the past, but about who we are today and what kind of future we aspire to create." (D.C.)

10. Affordability: "The admission fee for this exhibition has been waived to make the exhibition accessible to everyone, regardless of the ability to pay, because the more we learn, the closer we get to a solution." (P.B.)

11. Community: "Hobos to Street People: Artists' Responses to Homelessness From the New Deal toThe Present" runs through Aug. 15. Noon-4:30 p.m. Wed.-Sat. Free. California Historical Society, 678 Mission St. (415) 357-1848. www.californiahistoricalsociety.org.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/19/NSGJ15TTLA.DTL

This article appeared on page F - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

death by comcast

2009-02-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

11 Thoughts: Death by Comcast

Thursday, February 12, 2009

It's 2:11 p.m. on a lovely Saturday afternoon and I am dropping off a modem at the local Comcast office in San Francisco. What could possibly go wrong with this scenario? Could it be having to wait a full 45 minutes for a transaction that should take approximately three seconds? Yes, that very well could be it! Forty-five minutes of grass growing, paint drying, water dripping ... and a writer's sanity not-so-quietly disappearing:

1. 2:11 p.m.: No chairs?

Even Greyhound bus stations have chairs!

In fact, when I sigh and look up, I begin to hear the Comcast ceiling tell me the following:

"We can afford this beautiful high-tech ceiling, but you can rest assured we will never consider actually springing for chairs. Nope, not even the cheap plastic ones you're thinking about right now."

2. 2:14 p.m.: No number system?

Even Kaiser has a number system!

Give us a number, or better yet, give us one of those handheld machines that buzzes when the staff is ready to make eye contact with us (so that we might do other things like gently wander off, eat, use the bathroom or go outside to weep quietly).

3. 2:17 p.m.: Sam Kinison's screaming face

After five minutes in line, I begin to see him.
After six minutes, he is right in front of me,
screaming at the top of his lungs.

4. 2:23 p.m.: Samuel L. Jackson's booming voice

By 2:27 p.m., I am replying to it.

5. 2:30 p.m.: Jim Morrison's shrieking vocal cords

He is telling me I "cannot petition the Lord with prayer" -
and I believe him.

6. 2:34 p.m.: Politeness

I strike up a conversation with the people behind me, but they don't reply. Who can blame them? It's as if we're all stuck in an elevator together and the doors won't open and we're not allowed to make eye contact and the elevator just came to a sudden grinding halt.

7. 2:38 p.m.: Dizziness

I begin to see those strange flashes you see when you rub your eyes,
only I'm not rubbing my eyes.

8. 2:42 p.m.: The magic cane

Someone with a cane just waltzed right in and sat down at the special counter by the entranceway. By 2:43 p.m., he is done and gone.

(Wall-size note to self: Next time, bring a cane.)

9. 2:48 p.m.: Proof

I've convinced myself I need to physically be here in order to identify my modem.

10. 2:51 p.m.: A scanner darkly

That is, until I see an employee scan someone else's modem,
which automatically tells Comcast who the modem belongs to,
which automatically tells me it is unnecessary for me to be here,
which automatically tells me I will be writing this column,
which automatically tells the entire planet how unnecessary it is
for a person to be standing in this line
for no real reason at all!

11. 2:56 p.m.: 11 things easily better than this

Root canals, colonoscopies, sigmoidoscopies, surgery, taxes, turnips, meetings, changing diapers, Muni, pigeons and death.

And yes, for the record, I am still in line at Comcast.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/12/NSQ915Q80K.DTL

This article appeared on page F - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

black history month

2009-02-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Black History Month

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Because I still find the content of their character to be every bit as interesting as the character of their content:

1. Billie Holiday:

History: Eleanora Fagan Gough was born April 7, 1915, and died July 17, 1959.

Song to think about during Black History Month: Her version of Abel Meeropol's "Strange Fruit."

Random aside: When you're done with Holiday's version, listen to Nina Simone's version.

2. Screamin' Jay Hawkins:

History: Jalacy Hawkins was born July 28, 1929, and died Feb. 12, 2000.

Song to listen to on Valentine's Day: "I Put a Spell on You."

Random aside: "Jiffy Squid? Turn that damn thing off!"

3. Malcolm Mooney (Can):

History: Can's music always feels as if it's playing in a continuous vacuum somewhere. Perhaps this is why Mooney went crazy and left the band. He was replaced by Damo Suzuki.

Song to rediscover on YouTube: "Father Cannot Yell."

Random aside: Without Mooney and Suzuki, there is no Mooney Suzuki.

4. Phil Lynott (Thin Lizzy):

History: The Thin Lizzy frontman was born Aug. 20, 1949, and died Jan. 4, 1986. His father was Afro-Brazilian.

Song to listen to on Fridays: "Whiskey in the Jar."

Random aside: The lyrics "musha ring dum a doo dum a da" can be written many different ways.

5. Poly Styrene (X-Ray Spex):

History: Marian Joan Elliott-Said was born in the summer of 1957. Her father was Somali.

Song to listen to in the bathroom: "Germ Free Adolescents."

Random aside: "Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard but I think - oh bondage, up yours!"

6. H.R. (Bad Brains):

History: Paul D. Hudson was born Feb. 11, 1953. H.R. stands for Human Rights. His brother Earl is the band's drummer.

Song to rewind and replay and rewind and replay again: "Re-Ignition."

Random aside: The Beastie Boys' BB initials are meant to pay tribute to Bad Brains.

7. D.H. Peligro (Dead Kennedys):

History: Darren Henley was the DK drummer from 1981 to 1986. Sadly, the band is now history.

Song to dedicate to the governor: "California Über Alles."

Random aside: "Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death."

8. Chuck D (Public Enemy):

History: Carlton Douglas Ridenhour was born Aug. 1, 1960, the son of two political activists.

Song to believe in: "Don't Believe the Hype."

Random aside: Public Enemy deserves a much LARGER FONT on this year's Coachella poster.

9. Kool Keith (Dr. Octagon):

History: Keith Matthew Thornton has had more than 50 aliases over the past 20 years, including Dr. Octagon, Dr. Dooom, Black Elvis, others.

Song to request at Mezzanine on Feb. 26: "Earth People."

Random aside: "Oh s-, there's a horse in the hospital."

10. Kele Okereke (Bloc Party):

History: Kelechukwu Rowland Okereke started the band with Russell Lissack in 1999 (but the band wasn't known as Bloc Party until 2003).

Song to listen to every morning: "Banquet."

Random aside: Bloc Party plays Oakland's Fox Theater on April 20.

11. Tunde Adebimpe (TVotR):

History: Tunde Adebimpe started TV on the Radio with David Andrew Sitek in 2001.

Song to listen to every night: "Wolf Like Me."

Random aside: TVotR releases a pitch-perfect cover of "Heroes" on Feb. 24 - a pitch-perfect way to end a column about a month that doesn't end at the end of the month.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/05/NSQA15LKU4.DTL

This article appeared on page F - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

deth p. sun

2009-01-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Deth P. Sun

Thursday, January 29, 2009

We caught up with East Bay artist Deth P. Sun recently and asked him to share 11 things circling around his mind.

1. "Deth" is my first name. It's a Khmer name. I'm Chinese-Cambodian, but the Chinese side is also from Cambodia. I'm only writing this 'cause someone asked me.

2. My girlfriend, Marci, is also a painter. She has a solo show in April at Rena Bransten, and she's been away for the month of January at Yaddo, an artist residency in upstate New York.

3. We went to visit Edward Gorey's house in Cape Cod this summer, and it was pretty awesome. They turned his house into a museum, and we stayed at the haunted inn next door, ate at his favorite restaurant and swam in the pond near the local cemetery.

4. I'm 29 and still don't know how to drive. Last year my friend tried teaching me. On the first try I hit a parked RV. On the second try I nearly ran over a jogger in the big cemetery in Oakland. I think giving up on the idea of driving is probably for the best.

5. The person who designed New York's Central Park (Frederick Law Olmsted) also designed the big cemetery in Oakland. I go jogging there. I like hanging out near the turtle pond and once found a headstone that had the words "killed by ..." written on it.

6. I'm trying to learn how to cook. Two of the first things I learned to make were corned beef and cabbage and fried pork chops. I don't recommend making corned beef more than twice a month 'cause that's a lot of meat.

7. I just developed an allergy to wheat this past year. I figured it out after a night of heavy (Irish) car bombing. It kind of sucks, but since I don't eat bread, drink beer or eat any processed food, I've gotten a lot healthier. I'm just happy that bourbon is made with corn.

8. I live in Oakland but my studio is in San Francisco. I take the T past the ballpark to get to it. I'm looking forward to going to see a game there after work.

9. In a year I hope to be living in Rhode Island. I like the state 'cause the eating's different and I'd like to experience cold weather.

10. Deth P. Sun's "This Too Shall Pass" appears at Rowan Morrison through Feb. 14, 11 a.m.-6 p.m. Wed.-Sat., 330 40th St., Oakland. (510) 384-5344. www.rowanmorrison.com.

11. His work is also on display at Palo Alto Art Center's "Tales From an Imaginary Menagerie" with Randy Bolton, Ria Brodell, John Casey, others. Through April 26. 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Tues.-Sat., 7-9 p.m. Thurs., 1-5 p.m. Sun. 1313 Newell Rd., Palo Alto. (650) 329-2366. www.paacf.org.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/29/NS0L15G5OP.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

www.dethpsun.com (for more)!

rob riggle

2009-01-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Rob Riggle

Thursday, January 22, 2009

1. "Facebook Improv"? Can you explain it in fewer than 20 words? We look up audience member profiles, let them explain, then do scenes based on their lives. (16 words.) YES!

2. The Rob Riggle School of Journalism? Can anyone explain it in fewer than 20 words? Don't lie to me 'cause I'll crush you into powder. Also, the truth isn't as important as the story. (19 words.) YES! Nailed it again!

3. Now that Bush and Cheney have departed, is your job really necessary? Always ... Someone ALWAYS has to speak truth to power! Let's see how good the Dems' sense of humor is now that they're in charge.

4. Can you explain exactly how Katie Couric managed to steal you away from Jon Stewart? Stewart lost me in a late-night poker bet to CBS.

5. Do you miss sharing office space with John Oliver? Sharing an office with John Oliver for 2 1/2 years was definitely one of the highlights of my entire comedy career. It's summed up quite nicely in the farewell video at links.sfgate.com/ZFWU.

6. Favorite thing about San Francisco? Most of the people.

7. Least favorite thing? Some of the people.

8. Favorite comedian (other than yourself)? There are sooo many! John Oliver, Mike Birbiglia, Jon Stewart, Rory Albanese, Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer, Owen Burke, Seth Morris, Ian Roberts, Matt Walsh, Demetri Martin, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Sam Kinison ... the list could go on for a very long time.

9. Is it true you were declared Kansan of the year last year? Not me, I lost again. This time to a 4-H pig named Jezzzebell.

10. Anything you'd like to add? Please come to the SF Sketchfest! I will be juggling fire and plan to swallow a tiger whole. You don't want to miss it!

11. Rob Riggle can be found fighting crime at: "Facebook Improv" with Rob Corddry, Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer, Seth Morris, Chad Carter and Owen Burke. 8 and 10 p.m. Fri. $20. Eureka Theatre, 215 Jackson St. (415) 584-2941. He'll also be appearing at "The Hills: A Staged Reading" and "Invite Them Up" with a variety of other Sketchfest comedians. 8 and 10:30 p.m. Sat. $25. Cobb's Comedy Club, 915 Columbus Ave. (415) 928-4320. www.sfsketchfest.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/22/NSU915C2KH.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

if i had stayed married ...

2009-01-17T19:11:00.000-08:00

today would've been my ten year wedding anniversary.

resolutions

2009-01-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Resolutions

Thursday, January 8, 2009

1. I'm really going to do it this year

What? It.
Why? To improve myself.
Why are you being so selfish? Good point.

2. Stop being so selfish

What? Think beyond yourself.
Why? Because you're not the only one.
Are you serious? Lol.

3. Be more serious

What? Stop kidding around.
Why? This is serious business.
It is? Yes, you should talk to someone.

4. Talk to someone

Who? Anyone.
Why? Because.
Because why? Because we're worried about you.

5. Stop worrying

Why? Because whatever happens happens.
What about free will? Sorry, hadn't thought about that.
Well, what are you going to do about it? Sorry, not sure yet.

6. Stop apologizing

Why? Because it's annoying.
What about when it's warranted? Like when?
Like right now! Oh. Sorry.

7. Stop making excuses

Why? I don't know.
Why don't you know? Well, you see ...
I suppose this is going to be a reason, not an excuse. Yes, exactly.

8. Stop agreeing with everyone

Why? Because you're an adult now.
So I should think for myself? Absolutely.
But what if I think for myself and agree with everyone?

9. Stop being so difficult

Why? For the sake of others.
What's the problem? There's no problem.
Who said there was a problem? Stop!

10. Stop saying stop

Why? Because it's annoying.
Why'd you just say it, then? OK, I'll stop.
I asked you not to do that! OK, I'll continue ...

11. I'm really going to do it this year

What? It.
Why? To improve myself.
Good. Shall we begin?

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/08/NSV2153U9J.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

happy birthday, j.d. salinger

2009-01-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, J.D. Salinger

Thursday, January 1, 2009

J.D. Salinger casually discussed school-age alienation well before American society seemed to have any clue about the concept. To pay tribute to the man on his 90th birthday today, I reread my dad's old dilapidated copy of "The Catcher in the Rye." Much like the story itself, Holden Caulfield's thoughts continue to ace the test of time.

1. Page 20: "What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."

2. Page 59: "Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away."

3. Page 72: "I think I really like it best when you can kid the pants off a girl when the opportunity arises, but it's a funny thing. The girls I like best are the ones I never feel much like kidding. Sometimes I think they'd like it if you kidded them - in fact, I know they would - but it's hard to get started, once you've known them a pretty long time and never kidded them."

4. Page 81: "The Navy guy and I told each other we were glad to've met each other. Which always kills me. I'm always saying 'Glad to've met you' to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though."

5. Page 123: "The trouble with girls is, if they like a boy, no matter how big a bastard he is, they'll say he has an inferiority complex, and if they don't like him, no matter how nice a guy he is or how big an inferiority complex he has, they'll say he's conceited. Even smart girls do it."

6. Page 128: "Anyway, I'm sort of glad they've got the atomic bomb invented. If there's ever another war, I'm going to sit right the hell on top of it. I'll volunteer for it, I swear to God I will."

7. Page 140: "Boy, when you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something."

8. Page 182: "She yelled 'Good luck!' at me the same way old Spencer did when I left Pencey. God, how I hate it when somebody yells 'Good luck!' at me when I'm leaving somewhere. It's depressing."

9. Page 184: "That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write 'F- you' right under your nose."

10. Page 190: "The thing with kids is, if they want to grab the gold ring, you have to let them do it, and not say anything. If they fall off, they fall off, but it's bad if you say anything to them."

11. Page 192: "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/01/NS97150A1F.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

tartufi

2008-12-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Tartufi's Favorite Sounds '08

Thursday, December 11, 2008

When I was young, my mom used to draw a line on a piece of paper and ask me to turn it into something. It's a useful way to view Tartufi's music. The songs start out simply and modestly and develop into something epic and dramatic. So I drew some lines on a piece of paper for band members Lynne Angel and Brian Gorman and asked them to turn it into something. Between e-mail pingpong and signing with Southern Records, they turned the lines into their 11 favorite sounds of 2008:

1. The sound of Low Red Land shredding. Additionally, the sound of a shredder shredding while Low Red Land's new album, "Dog's Hymns," plays in the background.

2. The sound of "President-elect Obama."

3. The sound of Mormons gasping and then apologizing to America when Proposition 8 got overturned. ... Oh wait, that's in the future, but it's going to sound so good we can almost hear it now.

4. The sound of Silian Rail making the best and most complex use of all their fingers, arms, legs and feet out of any band we know ... and lookin' hecka good in the process.

5. The sound of our gear not exploding while on tour in addition to the sound of not getting pulled over while on tour and the sound of big toes not breaking while on tour.

6. The sound of Department of Eagles, Deer Tick, Paper Airplanes, Fleet Foxes, the Botticellis, Jesse Rogers, Musée Mecanique, D Numbers, Beach House, "This American Life" and Tunng playing one at a time over and over and over.

7. The sound of biting into a foot-long veggie patty sandwich with everything except onions and jalepenos at a Subway in Ankeny, Iowa.

8. "My name is Harvey Milk, and I'm here to recruit you!"

9. The sound of an aerial mortar firework launching from its hurl tube and then exploding into the night sky.

10. The sound of sound - layered, looped, lush and live.

11. The sound of playing one final 2008 show with Them Hills and Low Red Land. We go on first and it's Lynne's birthday, so come on down early and shake your tail feathers with us. 9:30 tonight. The Eagle Tavern, 398 12th St. (415) 626-0880. www.sfeagle.com; www.tartufirock.net.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/12/11/NS8614K4JS.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

ac/dshe/dc

2008-12-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: AC/DShe/AC/DC

Thursday, December 4, 2008

When we learned AC/DShe would be sitting in the fifth row at tonight's AC/DC show, our excitement began. When San Francisco's beloved all-girl tribute band agreed to take things a step further and provide us with an 11-step process to getting ready for the show, our excitement flourished. When we invited them to the column's backstage area, our excitement fainted. Here's what the ladies said when our excitement awoke:

1. Preparation: Find your tickets! Many of us will reaffirm that it was well worth fighting that Sunday hangover to buy tickets the minute they went on sale.

2. Desperation: Beg anyone and everyone with connections for backstage passes. Contemplate whether AC/DC even hangs out backstage anymore. By the way, we're still begging, pleading and considering more extreme options.

3. Adoration: Regardless of No. 2, plan to make the most lasting impression of any fan in AC/DC history. Prepare a few awesome ice breakers, knowing you'll make guitarist Angus Young smile!

4. Affirmation: Listen to and watch AC/DC relentlessly. Get butterflies often. AC/DShe often watches "Let There Be Rock" or the more recently released DVD box set "Plug Me In," which features fantastic footage from the Bon Scott era as well as your Brian Johnson favorites.

5. Anticipation: Gather your favorite AC/DC tour shirt, buttons and other wearable memorabilia and rarities; you'll want to show off your AC/DC best! Lay out your rock uniform the night before - just like it's the first day of school!

6. Celebration: (Perhaps this is just for AC/DShe) Consider driving around San Francisco on a flatbed truck playing your favorite AC/DC tunes the same way AC/DC did in the "It's a Long Way to the Top" video filmed in the streets of Melbourne in 1976. (Please note: Bagpipes are not optional.)

7. Dedication: Build your head-banging stamina by playing Rock Band (AC/DC Live Rock Band track pack) incessantly.

8. Inebriation: Limo party! Drink plenty, ride around the parking lot blasting AC/DC, hang out of the sunroof waving your homemade AC/DC banner.

9. Amplification: Grab earplugs, even though you know you'll ditch 'em as soon as you run into the arena.

10. Declaration: Let there be rock!

11. Destination: AC/DC plays at 8 p.m. today at Oracle Arena, 7000 Coliseum Way, Oakland. (510) 569-2121. www.coliseum.com; AC/DShe plays Feb. 7 at Slim's, 333 11th St., San Francisco. (415) 255-0333. www.slims-sf.com.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/12/04/NSUJ14F5E8.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the hanson brothers

2008-11-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: The Hanson Brothers

Thursday, November 27, 2008

No, not those Hanson Brothers. We're talking about the NoMeansNo side project Hanson Brothers. We caught up with the Canadian boys via e-mail during the European leg of their tour and asked them to share 11 Things about themselves. They agreed not to say no:

1. The Hanson Brothers, known for their blistering shows in venues from Yellowknife to Sudbury, have released their first live album, "It's a Living," on Wrong Records, licensed by Southern. We're not sure if it's our fourth or fifth release overall, as guitarist Tommy Hanson has a tough time with integers.

2. "It's a Living" was recorded in the lively town of Coaldale, Alberta, home to Canada's french fry cartel and a notable stop on the arm-rasslin' circuit. Paul "Biceps" McGee was a notable member of the crowd the night the show was preserved on tape.

3. Originally, the band contacted the Rolling Stones regarding use of its mobile live unit, but upon hearing the cost, Johnny Hanson exclaimed, "Egads!" Plan B was hastily enacted an hour before the show, and noted sound engineer Blair Calibaba (known for his role in developing the "ripped-jeans-in-bum fashion statement" in the glam metal scene in Regina, Saskatchewan) armed eight punters [punks] with handheld tape-recording devices. The eight tracks were later mixed down in the band's dismal railroad apartment in Cold Lake, Alberta.

4. Because of probation restrictions, bassist Robbie Hanson was unable to travel on tour. Being crafty and resourceful, he played his bass every night over a Mickey Mouse telephone and thus his signature booming musical underbelly was not missed. Neither was his peculiar body odor.

5. There is no truth to the dirty rotten rumors about singer Johnny Hanson and that potato.

6. Drummer Ernie Hanson got a crayon stuck in his nose and was last seen dodging freight train traffic near Edmonton.

7. New drummer Mikey Hanson is an avid Hello Kitty collector and will not perform unless his Hello Kitty Drum Stool is pointing due north. Fortunately, tour manager Adam Slack (a known cat juggler) equips all Hanson Brothers material with GPS trackers.

8. Tommy Hanson rarely gets lolcats.

9. No, Robbie Hanson is not older than Lemmy Kilmister.

10. The Bay Area should be honored that the Hanson Brothers chose a tour this late in the season, as they usually track the migration of caribou this time of year.

11. The S.F. show is a bit of a homecoming for Mikey Hanson, the new drummer. He plays with Ralph Spight in the Freak Accident. Maybe Jello [Biafra] will show up. Or maybe not. Doesn't matter. We're just coming for the burritos.

The Hanson Brothers play with Triclops and the Bar Feeders. 8 p.m. Sun. $14-$16. Great American Music Hall, 859 O'Farrell St., San Francisco. (415) 885-0750. www.nomeanswhatever.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/27/NSAS14B1KD.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

gratitude ingratitude

2008-11-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Gratitude Ingratitude

Thursday, November 20, 2008

1. Literature: "Maybe the only thing worse than having to give gratitude constantly is having to accept it."

- William Faulkner

Maybe the only thing worse is having to figure out which is worse.

2. Philosophy: "There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life - reciprocity."

- Confucius

There is another word that finished a very close second: pants.

3. Kids: "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

- Dr. Seuss

And even then, things may remain a bit sketchy.

4. Politics: "We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future."

- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

We can begin by reminding them that there won't be any Social Security, insurance or retirement when they get older.

5. Art: "The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

The essence of all beautiful understanding, all great understanding, is found in another quote.

6. Society: "The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

- Oscar Wilde

Except on eBay.

7. Music: "When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around."

- Willie Nelson

When the IRS stopped counting, things turned around even more.

8. Economics: "It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference."

- Tom Brokaw

It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to hold on to it.

9. Journalism: "Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism."

- Dave Barry

Thanks to our solid Internet connections, we can thank Dave Barry.

10. Food: "I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude."

- Benjamin Disraeli

Trust me. It's both.

11. Life: "Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

- Dale Carnegie

And the day before yesterday? We'll let you know - the day after tomorrow.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/20/NSMT1465OV.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the legendary pink dots

2008-11-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

11 Things: The Legendary Pink Dots

Thursday, November 13, 2008

On the eve of the Legendary Pink Dots' two shows in San Francisco, we asked founding member Edward Ka-Spel to share 11 Things that stand out most about the band's 28-year evolution.

1. Exotic machines: The biggest thing has been the Internet. When we first started, we considered fax machines to be exotic; now I can chat away with friends on the other side of the planet and not have a six-figure phone bill. Of course, it isn't all good. People don't buy music as much as they used to, which is very hard for small bands like the Dots.

2. Disappearing borders: One of our best shows in recent years was Moscow. The crowd loved the music (mostly distributed through pirate CDs). Such a show would've been unthinkable in, say, 1986. We now play (and thrive) in all corners of Central and Eastern Europe and are generally treated better there than in places closer to home.

3. Cherished formats: So much great music is still being made. ... It's just sad that we need to search for it harder these days as the record shops I always cherished are becoming fewer.

4. Turning tables: I have to smile at how turntables are being made again. It's been great to see so many titles lovingly reproduced on vinyl. Big business failed to snuff it out, and I say amen to that.

5. Tolerated ignorance: The 2000s have been a time of intolerance and ignorance on a global level. Too many preachers, too many sheep, too many rules.

6. Ignoring intolerance: Now there's a wonderful new president of the United States of America and many of us who'd secretly like to see him be president of the world. Can we stop being scared now?

7. Related relations: Saddest moment in the past 28 years was the death of second guitar player Bob Pistoor back in 1991. A lovely, gentle man and the finest musician we ever had.

8. Elated elations: Happiest moment is harder to pin down, there have been many. ... Maybe that 1995 show in Mexico City when cEvin Key and Ryan Moore played drums and people came from everywhere. ... Still, I have felt elated very often just this year.

9. Regenerated regenerations: I used to fear drying up, exhausting everything there was to say, exhausting all combinations of notes we found pleasing. I'm happy to say I still feel as though we hardly started yet.

10. Generated generations: Survival. We had a choice back in '88. ... Do we go on after four members left or do we end it there? The discussion with Phil (the Silverman) lasted maybe a minute.

11. And look at us now: The Legendary Pink Dots play Cafe Du Nord with Big City Orchestra. 9:30 p.m. Fri.-Sat. $17-$20 (21 and older). 2170 Market St. (415) 861-5016. www.cafedunord.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/13/NS8O141K8B.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

overused phrases

2008-11-06T11:00:00.001-08:00

11 Things: Overused Phrases

Thursday, November 6, 2008

1. No question about it
Actually, there is a question about it and it's a very good question and isn't this why we're discussing it in the first place?

But I digress.

2. But I digress
Also mental laziness. It's as if you're saying, "I've entered this conversation, I've looked around, and frankly, I'm not all that impressed."

May I leave now?

3. Now or never
How about next week? Is that no longer an option? You neurotic freaks ...

Seize another day!

4.___ is the new ___
Pink, black, green, Thursday, Friday, Saturday ... San Francisco has a tendency to follow trends as much as Los Angeles, despite recent trends indicating that people who don't follow trends live in San Francisco. So what have we learned?

Anti-trend is the new trend.

5. Going green
A polite way of saying, "We're going to market ourselves as green, claim a boatload of environmental bonus points and get back to whatever it was we were doing before ...

Going green."

6. On the same page
What? Are we all sitting around in a gigantic bed reading books together? Nobody sits around and reads books anymore. Come on!

Get with the program!

7. Get with the program
See above. Change books to programs. Nobody watches programs anymore! Come on!

Think outside the box!

8. Think outside the box
Not a good idea! Trust me on this. The minute you do, they'll want you back in the box, and once you're back in the box, nobody can hear you.

Take right now, for instance.

9. Free with admission
Not only are you still being charged, but they've subconsciously made you believe you aren't being charged. Brilliant - and annoying!

Are we on the same page?

10. If I had my druthers
Translation: If I had my "I'd rathers." Actually, if I had my "I'd rathers," I'd rather leave this one out. If I had my druthers, I'd rather be free to use the word ...

druthers.

11. Unanswered questions
A bit like saying cheese quesadilla. "Queso" means cheese. Question means we're looking for an answer, so my favorite unanswered question would have to be "What kind of quesadilla would you like?"

No question about it.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/06/NS3O13T5G7.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

raising hell on halloween

2008-10-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Raising Hell on Halloween

Thursday, October 30, 2008

1. "Highway to Hell" (AC/DC)

"No stop signs, speed limit/ Nobody's gonna slow me down ..."

Same: road gas prices have taken.
Immortalized here: sfgate.com/ZFFJ.

2. "Straight to Hell" (The Clash)

"It ain't Coca-Cola, it's rice ..."

Same: direction economy has taken.
Sampled here: sfgate.com/ZFFK.

3. "Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell" (The Flaming Lips)

"I was waiting on a moment/ but the moment never came ..."

Same: action Congress has taken.
Blended here: sfgate.com/ZFFL.

4. "To Hell With Poverty" (Gang of Four)

"To hell with poverty/ we'll get drunk on cheap wine ..."

Same: attitude city has taken.
Screamed here: sfgate.com/ZFFM.

5. "Bat Out of Hell" (Meat Loaf)

"Breaking out of my body/ And flying away/ Like a bat out of hell ..."

Same: drunken karaoke joy I've taken.
Inspired here: sfgate.com/ZFFN.

6. "Hell Yes" (Beck)

"Yes/ Hi/ I like your bass/ Your beat is nice ..."

Same: Obamarama joy Bay Area has taken.
Applauded here: sfgate.com/ZFFO.

7. "Where the Hell Is Bill?" (Camper Van Beethoven)

"Maybe he went to see the Circle Jerks."

Same: place Bill was taken.
Located here: sfgate.com/ZFFP.

8. "Where in the Hell Did You Go With My Toothbrush?" (Reverend Horton Heat)

"You didn't leave a bar of soap when you left me/ You didn't even leave a towel so I could dry my face ..."

Same: place dental benefits were taken.
Brushed here: sfgate.com/ZFFQ.

9. "Catch Hell Blues" (The White Stripes)

"If you go lookin' for hot water/ Don't act shocked when you get burned a little bit ..."

Same: flak city has taken (for moving Halloween).
Caught here: sfgate.com/ZFFR.

10. "Aloha From Hell" (The Cramps)

"Gonna take a week off/ Gonna go to Hell ..."

Same: place holiday airfares were taken.
Enjoyed here: sfgate.com/ZFFS.

11. "Hell Is for Children" (Pat Benatar)

"Because hell/ Hell is for children ..."

Same: place I was taken.
Covered here: sfgate.com/ZFFT.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/30/NSQ613OTO9.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the dirty hairy show

2008-10-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: The Dirty Hairy Show

Thursday, October 23, 2008

What do you get when you experiment with art, music, film, sex and hair? You get the Autista Art Collective and the Oxenrose Gallery collaboration "The Dirty Hairy Show." Autista curator David Charles elaborates on the show's forthcoming mashup of serious, sexy and fun:

1. The influences: Retro-futurism. Metaphysical naturalism. The films of Alexander Jodorowsky. The "Vampyros Lesbos" soundtrack. Brazilian soft porn from the '70s.

2. The ideas: Back in the 1970s, experimentation with art, music and filmmaking reached its peak. So did the volume of women's hair. Both seemed like interesting grounds to cover.

3. The collective: Autista considers itself a refuge to produce work so out of touch with reality that it makes you wonder if there's actually a bit of autism in all of us. (To learn more, visit www.autista.tv.)

4. The international: We'll be showcasing the work of 14 of Brazil's most notorious up-and-coming artists, such as Elisa Sassi, Carlos Dias, Tinico Rosa, Ramon Martins and Fefê Talavera.

5. The national: Special guest artists include film director Anna Biller, Los Angeles multimedia artist Dian-Sofia and San Francisco imaginaire Melinda Gorham.

6. The art: Projections of Anna Biller's indie-hit "Viva!" Giant neorealistic paintings from Manuel Goma. Human-hair sweaters by David Charles and Cris Seixas. Intricate line drawings by Vince Montelongo. Interactive ponytails by Gorham. Klimt-inspired women by Martins. Sassi will also be painting the walls of Oxenrose with her devilish furry creatures.

7. The music: Manfred Hübler & Siegfried Schwab performing "Vampyros Lesbos." Armando Trovaioli. Berto Pisano. Roberto Pregadio and Gert Wilden & Orchestra performing "The Schulmädchen Reports."

8. Favorite hair color: Strawberry blond.

9. Favorite 1980s Brazilian soft-porn actress: Cláudia Ohana.

10. The philanthropy: A large portion of Autista sales go to help autistic children in Brazil.

11. The opening party: "The Dirty Hairy Show" opens 8-11:30 p.m. Sat. and runs through Jan. 3. Oxenrose Gallery, 448 Grove St. (415) 252-9723. www.oxenrosesalon.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/23/NS1113L0ML.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

unbelievable!

2008-10-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 17, 2008
The Red Sox make it to midnight
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Bill Simmons / ESPN

We were having the funeral for the 2008 Red Sox. Heck, I even gave one of the eulogies. Called my dad during the seventh inning for the requisite, "Yup, we just didn't have it this year," conversation and everything.

My father and I covered all the bases in that phone call. The Sox were too banged up. They missed Manny. They didn't have enough reliable relievers. They had too many young guys with Schiraldian looks on their faces, too many pseudo-fans in the stands, too few free spirits in the dugout. They never should have let Josh Beckett pitch to those last two batters in Game 2. They never should have put Mike Timlin on the playoff roster, much less brought him in for the 11th inning of Game 2. And now, they were going down with a whimper. They were going to get swept in the middle three games at home, three humiliating losses to their formerly scrawny stepbrother in the AL East. Our boys seemed fine with it, and that was what really troubled us. Who was this team? Where were the guys I watched for 6½ months? Were the defending champs really handing over their title without a fight?

I remember uttering the words, "I wanted us to win tonight if only because it would have been another two days where I didn't have to think about Matt Cassel." I remember Dad admitting, "I turned it off 20 minutes ago; I'm watching 'ER.'" I couldn't even blame him. We hung up.

And yet ...

I didn't turn off Game 5. I did the old "half-watching it, going through e-mails and not getting totally invested even though I totally was" thing. When Tampa Bay's Grant Balfour allowed two baserunners in the bottom of the seventh, I would have been more excited with Dustin Pedroia coming up and David ORRR-tese (as Buck Martinez keeps calling him for reasons that remain unclear) on deck if Big Papi hadn't passed away about three weeks ago. During an earlier inning, one of my Red Sox e-mail buddies wrote after yet another Papi whiff, "I'd rather have Brandon Moss or Jeff Bailey or Matt Stairs batting third for us. Papi is not just useless, he's visibly, obviously, pathetically useless." I love Papi and couldn't even muster a counter-argument. You can't hit for power with a bum wrist. You just can't.

Meanwhile, Pedroia was battling Balfour. And something weird was happening. With no reason at all to believe, the Fenway fans were standing and cheering and willing Little Man to get a hit. This was an unexpected old-school Fenway crowd, like the ones we had before they turned Fenway into a theme park and it became acceptable for everyone to joyously sing the "So good! So good! So good!" part of "Sweet Caroline" in the eighth even if the Sox were trailing by eight runs at the time. By Game 5, with the season stumbling to an end and the demand for tickets waning, the Rich People Who Go To Games Just To Tell People They Went weren't so interested in going, and suddenly, Fenway was Fenway again.

Little Man ended up ripping a line drive to right field that Gabe Gross considered diving for, froze for a split-second, then allowed to bounce 3 feet in front of him. Thank you, Gabe. The Sox were on the board. Now, Papi was coming up. Saddled by the aforementioned bum wrist, poor Papi can crush only two pitches for power anymore -- a fastball right in his unrecognizably small wheelhouse, or an off-speed pitch on the lower half of the plate that he can pull -- and for some unknown reason, that kooky Aussie Balfour decided to throw that fastball to him. Which was summarily crushed into the right-field stands, one of those bombs when the camera guy above home plate has to zoom back to find the ball. Just like old times. And that set up my single favorite announcing moment of any baseball comeback:

"And it's a seven to FOUR ballgame!"

Now, Fenway was rocking and rolling. Again, just like old times. I called my dad to make sure he was watching. "Nah, we're still watching 'ER,'" he said. "Call me if they get closer." (At this specific point in time, I didn't realize I would be making fun of him forever for prioritizing Maura Tierney's final "ER" episode over the single most unbelievable comeback in Red Sox history.) Even with the momentum shifting, we needed three more runs and had nobody to pitch the ninth since Jonathan Papelbon already had gotten three outs and never pitches more than two innings because the Red Sox rightly subscribe to the "it's a marathon, not a sprint" philosophy with younger pitchers. After Paps cruised through the eighth, with a potentially rocky top of the ninth looming, I was thinking one thing: "Please, for the love of God, I hope the Rays use Wheeler to get seven outs; that's our only chance."

And that was exactly what they tried to do.

See, I know Dan Wheeler. He spent much of the 2008 season on my AL fantasy team as Troy Percival insurance … which, of course, ended up coming in handy three times. I watched Wheeler pitch many an eighth or ninth inning, suffered through his occasional failures, enjoyed his successes and never trusted him for a damn second. There are two kinds of closers: the lights-out guys (like Papelbon), and the hold-onto-your-seats guys (like Wheeler). When you need three improbable runs, you want the second guy out there. He's the guy who might get nervous. He's the guy who thinks to himself, "Deep down, I know I'm just a very good set-up guy masquerading as a half-decent closer." When the great comebacks happen in baseball, they usually happen with these specific types of guys on the mound -- Donnie Moore, Calvin Schiraldi, Bob Stanley, Jose Mesa, a long-in-the-tooth Rob Nenn -- the guys who can be broken, the guys who can absolutely be taken deep in the right spot. I didn't care that Wheeler saved the Rays by getting 10 huge outs in Game 2. This was different. This was Fenway. This was, "I'm the only person standing between the World Series and one of the great collapses in modern baseball history." This was a spot for Mariano Rivera, not Dan Wheeler.

Jason Bay came up to lead the bottom of the eighth. I like Bay. He has been very good. But if you honestly think I wasn't swearing at Manny Ramirez and Scott Boras at that moment, you don't know me well enough. Manny would have had Fenway swaying like a bridge during a hurricane. Manny would have had the Rays' fans quaking in their boots. Manny absolutely, positively, unquestionably would have gotten on base. (Of course, Manny would have hit fourth, not fifth, but whatever. I can't look at Bay and not think of Manny. At least not yet. Bay is like the dutiful, pretty second wife who does everything right … and yet, I can't stop thinking about the soul-wrenching tramp who married me first and broke my heart. I wish it wasn't that way, but it's going to take some time. The fact that Manny finished the 2008 playoffs with an OPS that was almost as high as my freshman GPA in college didn't help.) And if Bay failed to get on base, I would have punched some things and complained about Manny again.

But our favorite Canadian import walked. Or should I say, "He stood there while a petrified Wheeler threw four straight balls." Either way, nice job by Bay. That brought up J.D. Drew, my 2007 nemesis, the guy who hit the $14 million grand slam against Cleveland last October, the guy who carried us in June, the guy who eventually broke down just like the Dodgers and Cardinals fans promised he would. I have changed my opinion on Drew roughly 350 times in 18 months. This time, amazingly, astoundingly, I was feeling pretty good. If I learned anything about Drew over the past two years, it's this: You have to start every clutch Drew at-bat thinking about the worst things that can happen -- in this case, a double play or a called third strike -- and once you cruise through that process, it's OK. Does this make sense? Of course not. I'm the same guy who watched the last three innings of this game sitting in the exact same spot with my laptop on my lap, my feet on an ottoman and my right foot crossed over my left foot. But Wheeler had to throw a strike, and Drew crushes fastballs when he knows they're coming …

BAM!

"And it's a seven to SIX game!"

That's right, we had the $14 million grand slam in 2007, and now, I'm starting to think the next $14 million was a downright bargain for 2008. I might buy one of those Drew T-shirt jerseys before everything's said and done. Don't rule this out. Anyway, Fenway went absolutely insane. Like Games 4 and 5 of the 2004 ALCS against the Yanks all over again. Finally -- finally! -- we were defending the 2007 title. I quickly called my father again to make sure he wasn't watching "The Mentalist" or something. "J.D. Drew!" he screamed. "I always liked him!" So much for Maura Tierney.

That same inning, a few minutes before Mark Kotsay belted a double off B.J. Upton's glove in center, I started thinking we could survive Game 5 even after TBS flashed one of those ominous "Don't delude yourself, this would be the biggest comeback in playoff history" graphics. Francona mercifully pinch-hit Sean Casey for Varitek, which was slightly more dignified than just shooting him in the head. (Since May 22, Varitek is hitting something like .178. I'm not even making this up. When I made my "Silver Linings for the End of the Red Sox season" list in my head in the fifth inning, "I don't have to watch another Varitek at-bat this season" narrowly edged "I don't have to worry about Mike Timlin pitching in a close game again" for the No. 1 spot.) I would have wagered anything on The Mayor coming through, but he struck out. Two outs. That's when Kotsay followed with his double.

Now Coco Crisp was up. He's trick or treat. He's like a craps table that just opened and hasn't had a dice thrower yet. You just never know with Coco. I would have believed a three-pitch strikeout could happen. I would have believed a double into the gap. I would have believed a weak grounder to end the inning. I would have believed an 11-pitch at-bat culminating in the game-tying single to right field. Every scenario is in play with Coco. That's just the way it is. This time around, we rolled an eight to establish our craps point, then spent the next 10 dice rolls (or in this case, pitches) trying to hit that point … and wouldn't you know it, on the 11th roll, he came through with the game-tying single. Ladies and gentleman, the Human Craps Table, Mr. Coco Crisp!

Of course, there was one problem lurking over everything: We still didn't have anyone to pitch the ninth. Or the 10th. Or any other inning. Rookie Justin Masterson started the ninth by default under the "if they brought out Timlin or Javy Lopez, there would have been a riot" corollary. The good news: Masterson possesses semi-electric stuff with a vicious sinker that causes an uncanny number of ground balls. The bad news: He has been a reliever for only three months. Hence, he's one of those Tightrope Guys -- you never feel safe with him, but he has a knack for inducing killer double plays at the perfect time. Which was exactly what happened here: He put two guys on and briefly sent Fenway into "Oh God!" mode before suckering the Quietly Terrifying Carlos Pena into a spine-crumbling 4-6-3 to end the inning.

Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

The Rays brought in "flame-throwing" lefty J.P. Howell to start the ninth against Little Man and David ORRR-tese. (Note: I'm not sure what happened with the TBS announcing crew this series, but Ron Darling sounds like a cross between Gene Simmons and James Woods, and every time Martinez unleashes one of those smoky laughs, I think of the reader who compared him to Elmo Blatch in "Shawshank.") If you didn't think Big Papi was injured before this at-bat, you changed your mind when he tried to bunt for a hit with one strike. That was like watching Larry Bird pass up a wide-open 3-pointer to take a 19-footer. I don't want to talk about it.

After Papi feebly whiffed on four pitches for the second out, Kevin Youkilis slapped a grounder to Evan Longoria -- a wonderful player and the only acceptable answer to the question, "Which American Leaguer would you want if you were starting a team from scratch?" -- who made a terrific back-handed stab and then flubbed the throw. The ball bounced over Pena's glove and into the stands, sending Yook to second and spawning a fantastic replay of Joe Maddon staring out onto the field like one of the Fortune 500 CEOs watching the Dow drop another 500 points. Like, he knew it was falling apart and there was nothing he could do, only there was a dugout camera 3 inches from his face.

That was when Maddon made a crucial mistake by walking Bay to pitch to Drew. Again, I like Bay … but he spent his career playing for 65-win teams in Pittsburgh and just watched Manny dominate the NL playoffs to the point that teams were pitching around him like he was the oversized kid in a Little League game. At least see whether he's anxious, right? At least see whether he'll chase a couple of high fastballs and a slider in the dirt. Also, why would you want to pitch to someone who just homered and was 4-for-7 against Howell in his career? Why not pitch cautiously to Bay, see whether you can get him out and, if you do, walk Drew and put the game in the hands of Jed Lowrie and Kevin Cash? Wait, why am I complaining about this?

You know the rest: Drew cranked a single over Gross' head, Youkilis pranced home, screwed up his steps and almost blew out an ACL jumping on home plate, and then everyone congregated into a Walkoff Mosh Pit as "Dirty Water" cranked from the loudspeakers and the Fenway faithful jumped up and down. The Boston Red Sox had lived to fight another day. More importantly, the champs decided they were going down swinging. Win or lose this weekend, that's all we wanted. Show some pride. Show some heart. Show us last season meant something. And they did.

Now my phone was ringing off the hook. Just like old times. My father was claiming he had watched the whole game, never knew about Maura Tierney's last episode and stopped watched "ER" three years ago. My buddy Bug was raving about the old-school Fenway crowd and wondering whether we could create a Red Sox Fan competency test for future playoff games. The calls and e-mails kept coming. Somewhere along the line, I found myself thinking about the poor Tampa fans and their first Stomach Punch game. That was as brutal as it gets. A dagger to the gut.

Look, any neutral baseball fan should be rooting for the Rays in this series. They proved the flawed and immensely messed up sport we call "Major League Baseball" can still work competitively -- as long as the Have-Nots hire the right guys, draft wisely and make low-risk free-agent bets on the right players. Maybe they can't compete year in and year out, but if they play their cards right, things can crest every few years and they can make a run against the Haves. The Rays were the best story in the AL this season, the Bizarro Yankees if you will. They built something. It took some time -- actually, too much time -- but when it happened, it happened. They're so loaded that a St. Petersburg reader named Darren needled me during the sixth inning by saying, "Don't be down, Bill, just think of it this way: Your 2008 Sox just lost to your entire 2010 roster. Consider this a glorified scouting mission."

Normally, I would save such an e-mail and get my revenge in a mailbag or something if things happened to turn. Not this time. When the Sox roared back to send the series back to Tampa, for the average baseball fan with no vested ties, it probably was like watching South Bend charge back from 20 down to break Hickory High's hearts. You can't root for that and you shouldn't.

So let's just agree a memorable baseball game happened Thursday night. It delighted a large group of people and devastated a much smaller group. Everyone else marveled at the comeback and probably thought the outcome was unfair, considering the payrolls and the histories of the respective franchises. Unbelievable, memorable, but slightly unfair. And that's fine. I just know we're headed for one more fascinating game and possibly two. Can the Rays rally from one of the most demoralizing defeats in baseball history? Can the Sox capitalize on their momentum like they did against the Yankees four years ago? Can I survive a few more Varitek at-bats without gargling lighter fluid? Will my father ever recover from Maura Tierney's departure from "ER"? Will Drew earn the third year of his contract a year ahead of time? Will Josh Beckett crack 93 mph on the radar gun? Will James Shields earn the name "Big Game James"? Can the Rays possibly keep hitting after scoring 34 runs in the past four games? You have to admit, this sports weekend suddenly became much more interesting than it was 24 hours ago.

One last thing …

The Aaron Boone homer happened Oct. 16, 2003. The 19-8 thrashing that gave the 2004 Yankees a 3-0 lead in the ALCS happened Oct. 16. The Indians jumped to a commanding 3-1 lead in the ALCS on Oct. 16. Let's just say I wasn't that enthusiastic about Boston's chances on Oct. 16, 2008, although I didn't remember until watching SportsCenter on Friday morning that Boone's homer actually happened 16 minutes after midnight. (Why didn't I realize this? Because I blacked out that night for about an hour. You think I'm kidding. But Thursday night, as far as I knew, Boone hit the homer on the 16th.) As the comeback swung into motion Thursday, I found myself glancing at my cable box's clock and rooting for it to display 9:00 my time (midnight on the East Coast). I didn't think we would get there, but when Pena was batting in the ninth, there were only a few minutes left on the 16th. It was like watching a New Year's Eve countdown. 8:54. 8:55. 8:56. Then Pena grounded into that 4-6-3 and guaranteed that, yes, the Red Sox were getting out of Oct. 16 alive. They made it to midnight. In fact, if Game 5 were a movie, that's what I would call it: "They Made It To Midnight."

Over everything else that happened Thursday night -- Balfour throwing that fastball to Ortiz, Longoria botching that throw, Drew taking Wheeler deep, Youkilis awkwardly hopping on home plate -- I will remember staring at that clock and rooting for Oct. 17. They always said Red Sox fans would care a little less after we climbed the mountain once or twice, that it wouldn't mean as much, that it couldn't possibly mean as much. That's not true. It will never be true. You either love sports or you don't.

Bill Simmons is a columnist for page two and ESPN The Magazine. For every Simmons column, as well as podcasts, videos, favorite links and more, check out the revamped Sports Guy's World.

guilt by association

2008-10-16T08:06:00.001-07:00

11 Things: Guilt by association

Thursday, October 16, 2008

1. Politics: The Weather Underground's name came from a Bob Dylan song. I listened to Dylan recently. I'm also frequently homesick and often have the blues, so obviously ...

I'm guilty!

2. Environment: I went across the street and bought a sandwich. They began putting it in a plastic bag. I said I don't need a plastic bag. They insisted I take the plastic bag. I fought. They fought. And guess what?

They wrapped my sandwich in guilty.

3. Time: I like to think I have free time, but I don't. Most of it's been taken away (or totally ruined by Facebook). I enjoyed the time when I had it, but I no longer have the time to retrieve it. In fact, if I did ...

I would tell you that I'm guilty.

4. Media: It's true. Newspapers still exist. So when someone at a newspaper writes something disagreeable, you should remember that it's my fault and send an e-mail ...

To remind me that I'm guilty!

5. Honesty: I was brutally honest once. I said what I thought, said some more and just kept going. Not sure exactly what came over me, but obviously I was someone ...

And someone was guilty!

6. Sex: The plane had taken off and I was settling in for a long flight when I happened to catch a glimpse of the magazine in the lap of the guy next to me. He was looking at porn! My God, I thought, who reads porn on a plane? That guy! I looked up just in time to hear the flight attendant ask me if ...

I'd like some pretzels with my guilty!

7. Music: Cuts like a knife, but it feels so right. If I had to name 11 bad rock stars, Bryan Adams would consistently hover right near the top. Not only was he 9 years old during the summer of '69, he decided to call his 11th album "11." The math clearly says ...

11 times guilty!

8. Food: Restaurants hang take-out menus on my door. Nobody takes 'em. They fall. People use them to clean up after their dogs, then leave 'em. So one day I come out just in time to hear a stranger ask me why I'm standing there in a pile of filthy menus. I look down and notice ...

A menu for a restaurant called Guilty!

9. Home: I grew up in Connecticut. Most of Fairfield County is my fault. Same goes for the Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods casinos. The indecisive senator? Decidedly my fault. The other senator speaking at my high school graduation? Utterly inexplicable ...

Which explains why I'm guilty!

10. Education: Once upon a time, I went to UC Santa Barbara. Once upon a time, Sean Hannity worked at KCSB. These once upon a times? Around the same exact time. Come on! You know the refrain. Sing it with me!

Guilty guilty guilty!

11. Life: I used to love the Flaming Lips song "Do You Realize??" I listened to the lyrics. I appreciated them. I understood them. Perhaps a little too well. And then one day I realized I had stopped listening. So whether you love the song or hate the song it's about time I apologize ...

For being so guilty!

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/16/NSD213G6NO.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

game over

2008-10-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Game Over

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Eleven artists participating in Giant Robot's exhibition "Game Over: Art of the Gamer Generation" discuss various aspects of growing up in a video game world.

1. Rob Sato (destruction): The only game I enjoyed any success at was Dr. Mario on the original NES system. The combination of the amazing music, Tetris-like format and dancing germs created a perfection I haven't come across since. Another favorite was Rampage. Punching down buildings and helicopters inspired total glee.

2. Jesse LeDoux (nostalgia): Never having the original Nintendo as a kid, I feel like I missed the golden years of video games. I later made up for it by playing Tony Hawk until my hands were blistered and sore (not one of my prouder moments).

3. Le Merde (media): I used to do a zine in the early '90s called Root Beer that was all about video games from the Atari 2600 era up through Super Nintendo. This art show is a great way to see how other artists have been inspired by video games.

4. Aaron Martinez (fantasy): My favorite game was probably Mega Man. I often dreamed of having a space cannon on my arm and impressing the kids at school with it. Comic books, video games and cartoons all inspired me to become an artist.

5. Sean Boyles (addiction): My favorite arcade coin-op game was Street Fighter II Hyper Edition. Even while working in the studio I still take breaks for a few rounds every now and then.

6. Joe To (devotion): My favorite game growing up was definitely Super Mario Brothers. I would trek 30 to 40 minutes to the house of the one lucky kid in the neighborhood who had it, just so I could get a little play time. Inevitably, there would be five or six kids waiting in line to play.

7. GUNSHO (fascination): Video games have such a distinct imaginative sensibility. Growing up, I was always fascinated with the low-end graphics and the exercise of suspending disbelief when controlling a blocky little character bouncing around on a screen. That little eight-bit character was a digitally diluted avatar of something greater.

8. William Buzzell (culture): For better or worse, video games have become a shared experience for a generation, one that transcends race, geography and, to a large extent, class.

9. Snaggs (colors): Video games have been a huge inspiration, especially the bright, bold colors. Probably the biggest influences were Paper Mario and Zelda for the DS. Such simple, yet incredibly effective, designs.

10. Matt Furie (memories): I did some drawings about Super Mario 2. I can still remember most of the levels. I particularly enjoyed riding the carpet and going into the mouth of the hawk after killing a boss.

11. David Horvath (love): I grew up on the Super Famicom and Japanese game imports. Giant Robot doesn't sell video games, but the goods and general vibe there capture what I felt on the inside (and still do) while living through the best of my more nerdy gamer days.

"Game Over": 6:30-10 p.m. Sat. Through Oct. 29. Giant Robot, 618 Shrader St., San Francisco. (415) 876-4773. www.gr-sf.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/09/NS9513C8UP.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

superhappydevhouse

2008-10-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

11 Things: SuperHappyDevHouse

Thursday, October 2, 2008

When we first stumbled upon SuperHappyDevHouse, we weren't quite certain what it was, but we were curious. Co-founder David Weekly was kind enough to explain:

1. The basics: SuperHappyDevHouse is an informal get-together of geeks from all around the Bay Area. Every six weeks or so, 150 programmers and designers with laptops meet up and in anarchic format work on whatever they feel like working on. Think of it as a "productive party."

2. The name: The name comes from the "Saturday Night Live" skit "Happy Fun Ball." Do not taunt the Happy Fun Ball!

3. The beginning: It started when Jeff Lindsay conceived of mixing a LAN Party (where people bring computers to play video games against each other in the same room) with productive development time.

4. The love: We're open to the public and volunteer-staffed - nobody's making money off of it. We accept donations and have sponsorship from Mohr Davidow Ventures.

5. The history: The first DevHouse was in late May 2005 and consisted of about two dozen people at my house. My company (PBwiki) was started there and is now a global organization with over 25 employees.

6. The context: This isn't the first regular nerdathon in the Bay Area. The Homebrew Computer Club ran from 1975 to 1977 and provided the roots for the creation of both Apple Computer and Microsoft. BarCamp is another "unconference" for nerds that happens periodically in the Bay Area.

7. The invites: We encourage "hackers and thinkers" and discourage recruiters and marketers. (And by "hackers" we don't mean stealing military documents or destroying the Internet. We mean creating new things.)

8. The location: The location varies but is usually at someone's home. The Web site is the best way to find out where and when the next event is happening.

9. The lightning: During the event, we let speakers talk for five minutes each about a helpful technical subject. The time limit is strictly enforced.

10. The definition: This is not a networking event (though you'll meet new people) nor a competition or conference (though there are talks and semi-famous attendees), nor a party (though people do have fun and there's sometimes music). It's an olio.

11. The details: Please come having already eaten lunch. Bring your laptop and ideally some (healthy) snacks and/or beer.

SuperHappyDevHouse 27, 2-11 p.m. Sat. $10 donation. Google, 345 Spear St., San Francisco. www.superhappydevhouse.org. (Online registration encouraged.)

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/02/NSJM138575.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

sarah palindromes

2008-09-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Sarah Palindromes

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A palindrome is a word, verse, sentence or number that reads the same backward as it does forward. "Madam, I'm Adam" is a common example. Sarah Palindromes would thus be palindromes relating to John McCain's running mate. Each reminds how important it is for the country to look forward ... by looking back:

11. Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Looking back: Look forward.
Looking forward: Look back.
Translation: Progress is a thing of the past.

10. Rise to vote sir

Looking back: Americans can't agree.
Looking forward: Americans agree they can't agree.
Translation: Americans vote.

9. Daedalus: Nine. Peninsula: Dead

Looking back: Palin had plans to visit Woodside today.
Looking forward: Palin postponed those plans.
Translation: Palin is elusive.

8. Ma is as selfless as I am

Looking back: Had to squelch those Daily Kos rumors.
Looking forward: Had to squelch those Daily Kos rumors.
Translation: Abstinence abstained.

7. No, son, onanism's a gross orgasm sin: a no-no, son

Looking back: Politics shouldn't be influenced by religion.
Looking forward: Politics is being influenced by religion.
Translation: Thomas Jefferson is not amused.

6. Meet animals; laminate 'em

Looking back: The moose was doomed.
Looking forward: The polar bears are doomed.
Translation: The animals are doomed.

5. Senile felines

Looking back: Age offsets youth.
Looking forward: Youth offsets age.
Translation: The election just caught its tail.

4. Party booby trap

Looking back: Boy, we're doomed.
Looking forward: Boy, we're doomed.
Translation: Boy, we're doomed.

3. Dammit, I'm mad

Looking back: The country is mad.
Looking forward: The candidates are mad.
Translation: Mad has many meanings.

2. Harass sensuousness, Sarah

Looking back: So many dynamos.
Looking forward: Won't lovers revolt now?
Translation: No idea, but the two themes are palindromes too.

1. Lonely Tylenol

Looking back: Politics gave me a headache.
Looking forward: Politics will give you a headache.
Translation: Read this column twice ... and call me in the morning.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/25/NS5H132J3G.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

poets 11

2008-09-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Poets 11

Thursday, September 18, 2008

San Francisco Poet Laureate Jack Hirschman is a column unto himself, but this Sunday's Poets 11 grand finale isn't about him. It's about the city, the people and the poetry. Thirty-three poets selected from 11 districts will read one poem each. Hirschman is the host ... and the poet providing us with 11 reasons to attend:

1. All: "All the districts are involved."
District 1 Poets: Thea Sullivan, Tiffany Tang, Kristen Tracy.
(The Richmond District)

2. All of us: "No cliques, no everybody-look-at-me!"
District 2: Melba Abela, Marty Campbell, Kory O'Rourke.
(The Presidio, Marina, Pacific Heights)

3. All of them: "33 featured poets will read one of their three winning poems."
District 3: David Menendez Alvarez, Philip Hackett, Joe Pulichino.
(Chinatown, North Beach, Russian Hill, Nob Hill, Fisherman's Wharf)

4. All of the above: "They're all solid or sensitive or heartfelt or intelligent or passionate or all of the above adjectives together."
District 4: Mary Dalton, Jennifer Futernick, Jose Luis Gutierrez.
(Sunset/Parkside)

5. All walks of life: "They're workers, retired workers, teachers, students of every orbit of this spinning life."
District 5: Lynne Barnes, Jennifer Chien, Tessa Fontaine, Larry Kaplan.
(Haight-Ashbury, Western Addition, parts of Hayes Valley, the Inner Sunset)

6. All-inclusive: "There'll be different languages, including Native American Ojibway."
District 6: Lourdes Figueroa, Elizabeth A. Larson, Lisa Turner.
(SoMa, Tenderloin, the islands)

7. All in the family: "It's about time you thought: my brother's a poet, my sister's a poet ... and came to hear your family read."
District 7: Al Averbach, Soheyl Dahi, Amy O'Hair.
(West of Twin Peaks)

8. All in all: "There's no higher sense of community participation than reading to create a unified field from a vast range of different poems."
District 8: Susan Dambroff, Stanley Keisel, Alice Templeton.
(The Castro, Noe Valley, Glen Park)

9. All in fact: "That brother and sister who are poets are also what you are, what all in fact are - poets."
District 9: Carlos Disdier, Marvin R. Hiemstra, Tehmina Khan.
(The Mission, Bernal Heights)

10. All for one and one for all: "Let's listen to the heart of revolutionary spirit everywhere."
District 10: Ellen Frank, Priscilla Lee.
(Potrero Hill, Bayview-Hunters Point)

11. All are invited: "It's poetry, it's free, c'mon to Koret Auditorium."
District 11: Andre Baca, Aja Couchois Duncan, Victoria Ehrlich.
(Excelsior, Ingleside, Crocker-Amazon)

The grand finale of Poets 11 takes place from 1-3 p.m. Sun. Koret Auditorium, Main Library, 100 Larkin St. www.sfpl.org.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/18/NSB312UALV.DTL

bizarro

2008-09-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Bizarro

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dan Piraro's arrival in town completes a Bizarro summer trifecta that involved too much partying with Charo and too many reminders of Ferraro. So I contacted him. After some curious back and forth, I began to realize that the strangest part of Dan Piraro isn't that he's strange, but that he isn't. Like most of us, he loves:

1. Getting up too early: to be at the airport too early to stand in line at security and convince people in uniforms that he's not dangerous.

2. Flying across the country: for a comedy show while wishing someone would put that screaming toddler in an overhead compartment.

3. Watching his luggage: revolve around a crowded room while swearing he'll never do another show again.

4. Wishing obsessively: that he wasn't so obsessive.

5. Thinking: Angelina Jolie isn't nearly good looking enough to put up with living with all those children for.

6. Boring a fellow bar-stooled stranger: with his inner apprehensions about his pathetic need to make a roomful of strangers like him because he's funny.

7. Making sure: the gun in his pocket is fully loaded in case the roomful of strangers doesn't think he's funny.

8. Double-checking: his suicide notes for grammatical and punctuation errors and the proper mix of pathos and humor.

9. Praying: the seats fill up and the scotch doesn't wear off.

10. Listening: to applause and feeling supremely rewarded for all the effort, inconvenience and childhood trauma that led to his demented image of the world.

11. Beginning: to think of his next comedy show.

"Two Funny Heads" with Dan Piraro and special guest Brian Malow. 8 and 10 tonight. $20 (21 and older). Proceeds benefit the Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary. The Purple Onion, 140 Columbus Ave., San Francisco. (415) 956-1653. www.bizarro.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/11/NS7B12P184.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

addictions

2008-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Addictions

Thursday, September 4, 2008

1. Sex:

Pros: Pleasure, babies.
Cons: Babies, displeasure.
Highs: Yes, yes!
Lows: A lack thereof.

Follows: 5 not 2.

2. Drugs:

Pros: Ridiculous insight.
Cons: Ridiculous behavior.
Highs: Yes, yes!
Lows: Illness, prison, death.

Follows: 3 not 7.

3. Rock 'n' roll:

Pros: Bad reputation.
Cons: Bad reputation.
Highs: Annihilation.
Lows: Annihilation.

Follows: 2 not 8.

4. Politics:

Pros: We've been inspired.
Cons: We've been duped.
Highs: Utopia.
Lows: Dystopia.

Follows: 10 not 1.

5. Love:

Pros: Insane happiness.
Cons: Unhappy insanity.
Highs: Delirium.
Lows: Delirium.

Follows: 1 not 10.

6. Television:

Pros: Escape.
Cons: Escape.
Highs: News.
Lows: News.

Follows: 4 not 9.

7. Work:

Pros: Provides insurance.
Cons: Makes you sick.
Highs: Collaboration.
Lows: Termination.

Follows: 11 not 5.

8. Religion:

Pros: Meaning.
Cons: Delusion.
Highs: Heaven.
Lows: Hell.

Follows: Itself not 4.

9. Exercise:

Pros: Health.
Cons: Effort.
Highs: Yes!
Lows: Yes!

Follows: 7 not 6.

10. Internet:

Pros: World at fingertips.
Cons: Pain at fingertips.
Highs: Communicate with world.
Lows: World communicates with you.

Follows: 6 not 11.

11. Sleep:

Pros: Crazy dreams.
Cons: Crazy laziness.
Highs: Sundays.
Lows: Mondays.

Follows: 9 not 3.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/04/NSLK12KEK2.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

two wrongs don't make a right

2008-09-03T15:54:00.001-07:00

they make a right wing ticket!

12 galaxies

2008-08-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

12 Things: 12 Galaxies

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Since 2004, 12 Galaxies has meant a million things to owner Robert Levy. On the Mission nightclub's final day, it means 11 of his favorite memories, plus one just because ...

1. Frank Chu: "When we first came up with the name, we thought some people would get it and others would just think it was some random esoteric space-age name. In the end, Frank became a modern-day Emperor Norton and a good friend."

2. Steve Poltz: "He's an amazing performer, but the vision of him naked except for boxer shorts on the edge of the bar screaming 'Mama deer DEAD! Baby deer ALIVE!' is etched in my head forever."

3. John Doe: "One of our favorite movies to unwind to after work was 'Road House,' so when Doe performed here, we pretty much must've seemed like obsessed 'Road House' weirdos. But John was great and told us many great stories about 'the Swayze.' "

4. The Extra Action Marching Band: "Every EAMB show was a total spectacle, and a terrifying experience for a club owner. Dangling from the rafters or dancing naked on the bar, anything was fair game ... and pure joy for the audience."

5. Carlos Santana: "While shooting a video here, he did a 'Black Magic Woman > Riders on the Storm > Black Magic Woman' improv jam that I'll never forget."

6. Anonymous: "I'm not going to name names, but on opening night I was working the door and more than 30 people said they were on the guest list of a man who no one at the club had ever met. It was crazy at the time, funny in retrospect and he and I are now dear friends."

7. Phil Lesh, Ryan Adams: "Michael Bailey of Bill Graham Presents called me at 9:30 one night asking if it was possible. Through the power of text messaging, 500 people were lined up by midnight. I don't think a member of the Dead had played for $5 since 1969."

8. Chris Whitley: "One of the club's favorite performers, he played an amazing show here just a few weeks before his death. I remember how sad I was when I learned he had passed."

9. DMBQ: "Japanese noise band DMBQ was always a treat, but the onstage energy, antics and language barrier were hard to manage. At one point the drummer threw a piece of his kit at a concertgoer. When we told him he had to stop, all he could do was smile, bow and say 'thank you.' "

10. Wayne "the Train" Hancock: "There was a merchandise argument, words were exchanged and then we realized he had an honest-to-goodness prison-style shiv in his hand. We told him there would be no shiv-ing in the club that night and took it away from him. It's still hanging in my office."

11. Juice: "Scott Johnson, my house manager and right-hand man, started out cooking in our kitchen. On a frantically busy night, our bartender Amesia came in screaming, "Where's the juice? Where's the juice?" Scott asked her, "Are you calling me Juice?" She replied no, but that she would from now on. He's been Juice ever since."

12. Parker Gibbs: "That one time he said something funny."

12 Galaxies' final night features Big Light, StitchCraft and a few surprises. 9 tonight. $8. 2565 Mission St. (415) 970-9777. www.12galaxies.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/28/NS5012HVD4.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

writing

2008-08-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

Now we are 20 | Herb Caen

Sunday, August 24, 2008

On July 5, 1938, this column first saw the dark of print in the cold light of day. It was the signal for a series of strange happenings. Shortly after its inception, Hitler decided everybody should have Anschluss without weltschmerz, Churchill assumed control in Britain, a disastrous World War rocked the world and the Atomic Age began. As thrones tumbled and crowned heads rolled, the column marched relentlessly on, like the brainless creature it is, and the conductor himself grew steadily in stature from postpubescence to preadolescence, where he remains to this day, head lolling as he attempts to sit upright in his high chair. Next stop, according to plan: the ol' rockin' chair.

Twenty years. A long time to stand in the corner of a newspaper, scrawling inanities, illiteracies and even obscenities on a paper wall. Twenty years of unflagging devotion to items, tritems, sightems, slightems and even frightems; to the highly forgettable fact, the reminiscence nobody remembers, the flash that didn't pan out, the fallen arch remark; to the flopsam and jetsam, the abjectrivial and the three-dotty ephemera of a city's day-by-daze. A long time to be coining words, turning a golden language into pure caenterfeit.

Twenty years. Almost 6,000 columns and 6 million words. Put them all together and they smell, mother. Who was dancing with whom and where, but why? Marriages recorded, births noted, divorces granted - sometimes all in the same family, for this is a family town. Tycoons observed at work, drunks observed at play - sometimes the same people, for this is the city that never sleeps (and sometimes, as Frank Norris observed bitterly, "the city that never thinks"). Two decades of decadence and destiny, of beauty and beastliness in a fog-misted dream world I like to think of as Baghdad-by-the-Bay - its pennants sometimes brave, sometimes drooping.

Twenty years - long enough to watch a city grow away from you even as you stand in the middle of it. Long enough to have memories that flash through your mind with the jerky speed of an old newsreel: The Bay Bridge reaching out across the water, its shadow lengthening gradually over the ferries it was about to doom. The last ferry to Sausalito, the crowd singing "Auld Lang Syne," whiskey bottles bobbing in the moonlit wake, the skipper crying silently. Debutantes who are now grandmothers dancing with the boys they didn't marry in the Mark's Peacock Court. Little Joe Strauss, who built the "impossible" Gate Bridge, shrugging, "The redwoods will last longer." The rickety roller coaster at the Beach, the half-trolley, half-cable car on Fillmore hill, the handsome mounted cops on the downtown streets, Harry Bridges winning the rumba contest at La Fiesta, Sally Rand presiding daintily over her all-night Blue Room at the Music Box, the last night of the fair on Treasure Island, when the moon was full and the enchanting lights went down one by one and, as we headed home with one last glance at the sudden darkness, we knew we would never be so young again.

Twenty years, at soft labor, chipping at a rock with a feather. Answering the phone: "I'm jumping off the bridge in 20 minutes. Be there if you want the story" (no jump, no story, ever); "Man, I've got the scoop of the year for you" (it isn't); "How dare you print that!" (I didn't, somebody else did).

And reading the mail: "I loved your column about ...," "I hated your column about ...," "Why don't you write more about ...," "Why do you write so much about ..."

Twenty years of trying to keep in step with the passing parade. Of reporting that Hilton will build a hotel here, of saying the city has grown too big for its bridges, of keeping a snoreboard at Opera openings, of making Berkeleyans mad by calling it Berserkeley, Oaklanders mad by calling it Brookland, Sausalitans mad by calling it Souselito.

But best of all, 20 years of holding a mirror to the city and never tiring of the sight, 20 years of being in love with the view around the corner, streets that climb to the stars, hills losing their heads in the fog, cables running from here to the day before yesterday, and history walking at your elbow down a dark alley at midnight. On any birthday - 20th or 120th - the perfect gift.

This column, excerpted here, first appeared in The Chronicle on July 6, 1958.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/24/PKLT11G6NR.DTL

This article appeared on page N - 76 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the go-going-gone girls

2008-08-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: The Go-Going-Gone Girls

Thursday, August 21, 2008

1. Assortment: "Backed by an all-star four-piece lineup, the Go-Going-Gone Girls deliver a distinctive blend of '60s go-go, soul, bubblegum and garage."

Sounds like: Nothing but fun.

2. Arrangement: "The band is lead singer/hotshot hoofer Carla 'Iron Lung' Lease, vocalist/dancer Debbie 'Twinkle Toes' Horn, singer-songwriter/dancer-choreographer Audrey 'Hippy-Shake' Menconi, vocal stylist/dancer Claire 'Make Mine a Double' Thuesen, saxophone/keyboard ace Adrian 'the Potentate' Gormley, guitarist Klaus 'Peace Love' Fluoride, bass player Paul 'Daddy Rocks' Bergmann and drummer Dave 'Boom Chicka Boom' Lichtenstein."

Sounds like: The band alone will pack the Hemlock Tavern.

3. Agreement: "We're the happiest band on Earth. The only point of contention so far has been getting so many people together on the same night."

Sounds like: The Bay Area.

4. Adornment: "When Audrey went out on maternity leave, we enjoyed an all-blonde stage, but now we're back to equal-opportunity hair color - as long as it's ratted, teased and hair-sprayed through the ozone layer."

Sounds like: The early '60s.

5. Advancement: "We're a very political and civic-minded band. We've go-go'd for Tom Ammiano's campaign. Saturday's show supports the veterinary cause of our mascot Bodie, a prematurely deaf yellow Lab."

Sounds like: A really good cause.

6. Ailment: "Longtime guitarist Klaus Flouride recently stopped touring with the Dead Kennedys due to a medical condition. (Fortunately, he hasn't given the slip to his concerns closer to home ... but then we've got the dirt on him, so he better not try.)"

Sounds like: A silver lining.

7. Adjustment: "Debbie once flew onstage with her dress on backwards. Ever the professional, she looked at the other girls between songs with raised eyebrows, to indicate their dresses were the ones askew."

Sounds like: Debbie won.

8. Amazement: "We've been to Hollywood, Coney Island, New Orleans, Exotic World, Tease-O-Rama and Tiki Oasis, but our home is the Bay Area. Our tippy-top rating goes to a gig with Spinal Tap, which ended with us dancing on the bar."

Sounds like: Volume 11.

9. Amusement: "First concerts include the Platters (Klaus), Neil Young (Paul - who also attended Altamont, but left because it was 'too crowded'), the Troggs (Dave), Santana (Adrian), the Split Enz (Claire), Berlin (Carla - 'Wait, does the Wagner "Ring Cycle" count?'), Rick Springfield (Audrey) and the Pointer Sisters (Debbie)."

Sounds like: Audrey should know that Saturday is Rick Springfield's birthday.

10. Announcement: "In the long term, we plan to take over the world with a backbeat and a bottle of Beaujolais."

Sounds like: A plan.

11. Appointment: "In the short term, we intend to rock the Hemlock with the Boss Martians." 9:30 p.m. Sat. $7. 1131 Polk St., San Francisco. www.gogoinggonegirls.com.

Sounds like: A party!

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

butoh

2008-08-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Butoh

Thursday, August 14, 2008

To celebrate Bare Bones Butoh Presents 11, we invited artistic director Robert Webb to present 11 Things about Butoh:

1. Historical: "In May, 1959, Butoh pioneer Tatsumi Hijikata (1928-1986) premiered his seminal work, 'Kinjiki' ('Forbidden Colors'). It is considered the first public Butoh performance. The more spiritually inclined Kazuo Ohno is considered the co-founder."

2. Arrival: "Butoh came to the United States with Koichi and Hiroko Tamano's arrival in Berkeley in 1978. Koichi was Hijikata's protege, and the Tamanos have maintained his legacy."

3. Conceptual: "The darkness of Butoh isn't necessarily a scary, apocalyptic or negative place (although it can be)."

4. Primal: "A viewer once said after seeing a Butoh performance that she had no idea what was going on during the show ... but that night and for several nights thereafter, she dreamed about it."

5. Communal: "Butoh is as much about the audience as what the performer is doing. One reason performers often paint their entire bodies white is to 'erase themselves,' so they can literally become a 'tabula rasa,' a blank slate on which the viewer can write anything she or he wants."

6. Transformational: "Butoh is not a prescribed set of movements in time. It is a departure from expression bounding toward transformation."

7. Spiritual: "As a living entity, Butoh is a force from below, reminding us to pay attention and homage to the dead and listen to the wind as they speak through us. It's an angelic demon seeking home."

8. Radical: "Bare Bones Butoh Presents (BBBP) thrives on change and pushes boundaries. We've presented works from Butoh-identified artists, street-type performance artists, sex-radical performance artists, ritual performers, burlesque dancers, dance-theater artists, hip-hoppers and performers that simply defy categorization."

9. Improvisational: "BBBP is a place where artists can try out ideas, redo/revisit material they wish to continue exploring, hone their improvisational chops, or even bring out a favorite piece they just enjoy doing."

10. International: "As internationally known performance styles go, Butoh is young. It's still discovering what it is. And given the foundations laid by Hijikata and Ohno, it will probably always be in a state of discovery. It started in Japan, has gone around the world, and now looks back at Japan."

11. Local: "Every BBBP show benefits someone in the Butoh community. We've been doing this every three months or so for over three years now. BBBP 11 carries on this tradition by helping to bring Butoh masters from around the world to San Francisco."

Bare Bones Butoh Presents 11, 8 p.m. Fri.- Sat. $5-$20 sliding scale. Studio 210, 3435 Cesar Chavez St., San Francisco. (415) 821-7124.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/14/NS0M128UVK.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

i started writing

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

on 8/8/88

turbonegra

2008-08-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

11 Things: TurbonegrA

Thursday, August 7, 2008

1. Sex: "We are an all-girl tribute band to the infamous boys of Oslo (Turbonegro) who sing about deviant sex and sailors. We dress like deviant sailors who enjoy deviant sex."

2. Influences: "Punk, rockabilly, ass and Jäger."

3. Background: "Drummer Sally (Ms. Disaster) and singer Laura (Lil' Hank) were in Fabulous Disaster. Bass player Erica (Happy-E) is from MDC and Girl Band. Keyboardist and vocalist Amanda (Demanda P. Pomparius) is in Blue Rabbit. Guitarist Michelle (Rebellion) played with This Machine Kills Fascists, Hellfire Choir and Compton SF, and guitarist Shelley (Eurogirl) arrived via Hellfire Choir, Bimbo Toolshed and Girl Band."

4. History: "We've played Annie's Social Club, Bender's, DNA Lounge, the Eagle, El Rio, Fat City, the Mab, Thee Parkside, Red Devil Lounge, Rock-it Room, the Uptown, the Blank Club in San Jose and the Catalyst in Santa Cruz. Friday's our first time playing Great American Music Hall."

5. Family tree: "Earlier this year, Nick Oliveri played with us at Bender's. Shelley knows him from his days with the Dwarves."

6. Food: "Our bass player is a vegan and will do more than just spank you if she finds you eating meat."

7. Travel: "We'll be touring Germany at the beginning of October."

8. Fan club: "We started a local Turbonegro fan club (Turbojugend) called L'ass Cobras."

9. Prizes: "The person who buys us the most shots wins our singer for the night."

10. Fashion: "Keep it denim!"

11. Live: TurbonegrA opens for ArnoCorps along with Monster Squad and Count Dante & the Black Dragon Flying Society. 9 p.m. Fri. $14. Great American Music Hall, 859 O'Farrell St. (415) 885-0750, www.gamh.com or www.myspace.com/turbonegra666.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/07/NS3H124QUS.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

i was

2008-08-05T10:53:00.001-07:00

i was a failure at love and a success at writing
i was a success at love and a failure at writing
i was a failure at love and a success at writing

cereal

2008-07-31T10:31:00.001-07:00

11 Things: Cereal

Thursday, July 31, 2008

In his mixed-media installation "The Land of a Million Cereals," Ryan Alexiev demonstrates how cereal is capitalism is consumerism is choice is illusion. The sheer variety is equal parts ridiculous and beautiful. It's art. With this in mind, we asked him to pour us 11 bowls of cereal. Sit down, grab a spoon and enjoy:

1. "The world's biggest cereal eaters are Ireland, England and America. The average American consumes 160 bowls per year."

2. "Each year, Americans buy 2.7 billion packages of cereal. If laid end to end, the empty boxes would stretch to the moon and back."

3. "It's the third most popular product sold at supermarkets behind carbonated beverages and milk."

4. "Edward Bernays asserted in 1954 that the crunch in the most successful cereals gave consumers an outlet for their hostile and aggressive feelings. Bernays is considered the inventor of public relations."

5. "Granula was the first ready-to-eat cold breakfast cereal, invented in 1863. The twice-cooked cereal was so hard it had to soak overnight in milk."

6. "Kellogg was obsessed with constipation and wrote a book, 'Constipation: How to Fight It.' He enjoyed a daily enema."

7. "Kellogg was a Seventh-Day Adventist and follower of the religious-health crusader Sylvester Graham (the Graham of Graham cracker fame). Kellogg believed eating meat led to masturbation."

8. "Charles Post was admitted for a nervous breakdown into Kellogg's Battle Creek Sanitarium. Rumor has it that he stole the recipe for the peculiar flakes being cooked up."

9. "Post earned the nickname 'the grandfather of American advertising.' He produced the first national advertising campaigns during a time when most everything was local."

10. "For a solid staple, I've grown to admire Grape-Nuts. For a sugary crack fix, you can't beat Cap'n Crunch."

11. "The Land of a Million Cereals" ends Saturday at Mission 17. Gallery hours are 1-6 p.m. Wed.-Sat. and by appointment. 2111 Mission St., Suite 401, San Francisco. (415) 861-3144. www.mission17.org. or www.ryanalexiev.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/07/31/NS3L120NTR.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

r.i.p.

2008-07-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

creig flessel

the avengers

2008-07-24T13:05:00.001-07:00

11 Things: The Avengers

Thursday, July 24, 2008

We asked Penelope Houston to tell us 11 Things about her band. She sent us 11 short stories about 11 great songs:

1. "Car Crash": "In May of 1977, when Danny Furious, Greg Ingraham and I formed the Avengers, we decided after playing one warehouse party that cover songs weren't going to cut it. We wrote six songs in the week before our first Mabuhay show. 'Car Crash' was a keeper."

2. "I Believe in Me": "Also written in that first week but only with lyrics for the chorus. A few months later, when we recorded a single for Dangerhouse Records, I was still ranting over the verses. The time came to do the real vocal overdubs, but I was too nervous, so you'll hear my scratch vocals on the vinyl. (You will also hear Black Randy and John Doe yelling on the chorus.)"

3. "Teenage Rebel": "You never think about future performing of songs when you write them. But I'm still happy to sing this one, even though I'm in my third or fourth teen age!"

4. "Crazy Homicide": "Inspired by the Golden Dragon Restaurant Massacre of Sept. 1977 where 13 bystanders were shot up by the Joe-Boys in a gang-related assassination attempt."

5. "White N-": "People are always asking! This is about wage slavery, inspired by our original bassist, Jimmy Wilsey, who was working in a restaurant in '77. He went on to guitar greatness."

6. "Second to None": "Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols brought in this song when he produced us in 1978. I rewrote some of the lyrics. He recorded his version years later with the Professionals as '1, 2, 3 Baby.' "

7. "F- You": "The earliest Avengers love song."

8. "Corpus Christi": The only recorded song we wrote with our 1979 guitarist, Brad Kent. It's got some crazy 5/4 or 7/8 rhythm that confounds drummers. Billy Joe Armstrong did a version with me in 1999 that reminded me how good it feels to scream."

9. "End of the World": "A nice apocalyptic vision that we never properly recorded back in the day. I eventually went into the studio with Greg and bassist, Joel Reader, to do a new version for 'The Avengers Died for Your Sins' LP on Lookout. That's how we found our new bass player."

10. "The American in Me": "It's indefensible that after 30 years, with all the technological advancements and opportunities for communication, our country is still fighting pointless wars. Singing this song is one of my main reasons for continuing to perform Avengers shows."

11. "We Are the One": "The first song we'll play on Saturday ..."

The Avengers go on before Flipper and after the Mutants and Negative Trend. Target videos from 1977-1981 will be shown. 8 p.m. Sat. $25 (all ages). The Fillmore, 1805 Geary Blvd., San Francisco. (415) 346-6000. www.penelope.net. www.thefillmore.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/07/24/NS5811SK1A.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

happy birthday hasselhoff!

2008-07-17T09:45:00.001-07:00

11 Things: Happy Birthday, Hasselhoff

Thursday, July 17, 2008

1. Hasselhoff to an epic start: David Michael Hasselhoff's first major role was Dr. William "Snapper" Foster Jr. on "The Young and the Restless" (1975-82).

Hasselhoffhand remark: The exact same TV show Travis Bickle was watching when he kicked his TV over in "Taxi Driver" (1976).

2. On again, Hasselhoff again: Hasselhoff played Michael Knight in "Knight Rider," "a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law."

Hasselhoffhand remark: KITT called to wish him a happy birthday earlier this morning.

3. Not easily Hasselhoffended: In 2004, Hasselhoff landed the complex role of David Michael Hasselhoff in John Waters' "A Dirty Shame."

Hasselhoffhand remark: He nailed it.

4. On the Hasselhoffensive: In 2006, Hasselhoff fans started www.gethasselhofftonumber1.com in an attempt to send his 1989 hit "Looking for Freedom" to the top of the British music charts.

Hasselhoffhand remark: He made it to No. 3.

5. Hasselhoffbrau: When Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki was asked what he does to concentrate when shooting foul shots, he replied that he sings "Looking for Freedom" to himself.

Hasselhoffhand remark: Hasselhoff is "as much a fan of Nowitzki as Nowitzki is of him."

6. Hasselhoff Broadway: Hasselhoff portrayed Roger DeBris in the Las Vegas production of "The Producers."

Hasselhoffhand remark: Roger DeBris directed "Springtime for Hitler."

7. Hasselhoffspring: In 2007, a video surfaced of Hasselhoff in a drunken stupor, lying on the floor and eating a Wendy's hamburger in a Vegas hotel room. His daughter shot the video.

Hasselhoffhand remark: Her narration went something like this: "Tell me you are going to stop, tell me you are going to stop."

8. Hasselhoffkey: In November, Hasselhoff was reportedly working on an Oasis covers album to be released in Germany.

Hasselhoffhand remark: "Tell me you are going to stop, tell me you are going to stop."

9. Hasselhofficially: At 6 feet 4 inches, Hasselhoff is one of the best known tall actors.

Hasselhoffhand remark: On good hair days, he approaches 6 feet 9 inches.

10. Hasselhoff the charts: Hasselhoff's cover of "Hooked on a Feeling" reached No. 41 on the Swiss charts.

Hasselhoffhand remark: I've been hooked on a remarkably similar feeling since my vacation ended.

11. Hasselhoffering birthday wishes: Don't forget to drop Hoff a birthday note today at: www.hasselhoff.com, www.davidhasselhoff.com or www.myspace.com/davidhasselhoff.

Hasselhoffhand remark: Avoid www.esquilax.com/baywatch and YouTube.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/07/17/NSNT11OTKO.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

lucha vavoom

2008-06-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Lucha VaVoom

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Lucha VaVoom is sex and violence, striptease and wrestling, fun and funny. Lucha VaVoom producer and striptease dancer Ursulina (Rita D'Albert) has played with the Pandoras, performed with Andy Prieboy and appeared in the Queens of the Stone Age video "No One Knows." We caught up with Ursulina this past week and asked her to tell us 11 Things about the "Voom" in Lucha VaVoom:

1. The Lucha VaVoom luchadores: "If you've never seen Mexican masked wrestling, you don't know what you're missing. The wrestlers exhibit comic-book heroism, comedic timing and amazing ability."

2. The striptease dancers: "Lucha VaVoom searches the corners of the earth for uniquely talented performers that usually possess a special skill, such as contortion, hula hooping or even stripping from a pogo stick. They also must rock, and not in an ironic way."

3. The comic comedy: "It was once suggested that we should think about Dane Cook. We politely declined. Past comedians who have graced our stage include many of my idols: Patton Oswalt, Joel Hodgson ("MST3K"), Fred Armisen, Dana Gould and Tom Kenny ("SpongeBob SquarePants") among them."

4. The crowded crowds: "They really know how to let their hair down and have an amazing time."

5. The cinematic cinema: "A good way into the world of lucha libre is through its rich film history. Santo and Blue Demon et al. made hundreds of films. If you loved the 'Batman' series, you'll really love 'Blue Demon Contra los Cerebros Infernales.' "

6. The sassy brassiness: "We're not embarrassed by our brassiness; we embrace it!"

7. The legendary legends: "We've been lucky enough to include Mil Mascaras, Blue Demon Jr., Hijo del Santo, Mistico, Dr. Wagner, Felino, Tinieablas, La Parka, Blue Panther and so many more I've lost track. When you are standing next to Blue Demon Jr. and he's in his mask and short-sleeved turtleneck, it's actually overwhelming."

8. The musical music: "Our DJ, Senor Amor, never fails to delight me as well as the audience. He digs deep to find the rare stuff from south of the border. My favorites are the Mexican garage versions of 'Mother's Little Helper' and 'Hello, I Love You.' "

9. The nightclub night: "This incredible hodgepodge of elements comes together to make the kind of nightclub night that Lucy would have bugged Ricky to take her to. It's nice to break out your best duds and be around other people dressed to the nines, or, if you're more comfortable, you can wear your most glamorous big-boy shorts."

10. The tequila tequila: "Start training early - we don't want to clean up any more messes."

11. The happening happening: Lucha VaVoom happens at 8 p.m. Sun. $27.50 (ages 21 and older). The Fillmore, 1805 Geary Blvd., San Francisco. (415) 346-6000. www.thefillmore.com or www.luchavavoom.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/06/25/NSIA11DOEQ.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

speakeasy ales & lagers

2008-06-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Speakeasy Ales & Lagers

Thursday, June 19, 2008

1. "Gotta Getaway":

3:33 p.m. Fri.: The first weekend of summer is upon us and it's time to celebrate. Begone, vamoose, skedaddle ... take the Third Street Light Rail to Evans Station.

Gentle reminder: Get off.

2. "Walking Distance":

4 p.m. Fri.: Head east along Evans. Walk five blocks to 1195-A.

Gentle reminder: It's the building with the eyes.

3. "In My Eyes":

4:10 p.m. Fri.: Rejoice! You've made it! Step inside the lobby and stop at the window.

Gentle reminder: Say hi.

4. "The Crowd":

4:20 p.m. Fri.: Sample the Double Daddy with one of the most diverse groups you've ever seen in one place. Young, old, rich, poor, quirky, normal, animals, people, hippies, punks ... everyone's represented here.

Gentle reminder: The Double Daddy will make you friendly.

5. "Memories Can't Wait":

4:37 p.m. Fri.: Sample old favorites like Prohibition Ale and Big Daddy I.P.A. or try the lesser-knowns like White Lightning, Hunter's Point Porter or Bootlegger Black Lager.

Gentle reminder: Don't double down on one particular beer, lest you become double-down and out.

6. "Neat Neat Neat":

5 p.m. Fri.: Thank head brewer Kevin Robinson profusely.

Gentle reminder: Later apologize profusely for thanking him profusely. It was the beer.

7. "The Unheard Music":

5:15 p.m. Fri.: Pick a Friday when live music is happening.

Gentle reminder: The 11th Anniversary Party is coming soon.

8. "Allison":

5:55 p.m. Fri.: If you're taking notes for 96 Hours, realize by now you have: a) lost them b) written them illegibly or c) completely failed to start taking them.

Gentle reminder: Have consigliere Allison send you a brief e-mail on Monday.

9. "Have a Beer with Fear":

6:15 p.m. Fri.: Ales are top-fermented. Lagers are bottom-fermented.

Gentle reminder: Your brain is both.

10. "Take Warning":

7 p.m. Fri.: When leaving, cross the street and wait for the 19 or 44 bus heading west. The 19 gets you to most of the eastern side of the city. The 44 to most of the western side.

Gentle reminder: Taxi numbers are also available near the exit.

11. "Look Back and Laugh":

11 a.m. Sat.: Wake up in the Speakeasy T-shirt you don't remember buying.

Gentle reminder: Drink (a gallon of) water.

Speakeasy Open Houses take place 4-8 p.m. Friday. Call the main line to leave a tour request via voice mail. Speakeasy Ales & Lagers, 1195-A Evans Ave. (415) 642-3371. www.goodbeer.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/06/19/NSSP11A0OI.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

war, inc.

2008-06-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: 'War, Inc.'

Thursday, June 12, 2008

"War, Inc." is a farce, much like war itself. In an effort to peek behind the film's curtain, we caught up with two of the writers via phone - John Cusack in London and Mark Leyner in New York. One was serious, the other satirical. The differing identities summed the film up nicely. "War, Inc." opens Friday at various Bay Area Landmark theaters.

1. Can you tell me one true thing?

John: "Bo Diddley Is a Gunslinger."
Mark: "I should get a prize for writing the scene where Hilary Duff puts a scorpion down her pants."
Tim: I miss Hunter S. Thompson.

2. How'd you meet?

John: "New York ... over jalapeño drinks."
Mark: Johnny contacted me and said he liked "Et Tu Babe."
Tim: Cusack owed me "two dollars!" Leyner was "My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist."

3. What's become of protesting?

John: "Exactly."
Mark: "No draft."
Tim: Excellent question.

4. Will Obama end the war?

John: "I would hope so."
Mark: "I'm not an enormous supporter of politicians."
Tim: Define end.

5. "Brazil," "Catch-22" or "Dr. Strangelove"?

John: "Dr. Strangelove."
Mark: "Japanese lesbian pornography."
Tim: All of the above.

6. Satire is the only response to the last five years - agree or disagree?

John: "Disagree."
Mark: "Agree somewhat, but the film is about more than Iraq."
Tim: Screaming also helps.

7. What sort of cultural graffiti do you and Robbie Conal have planned?

John: "A painting of one of the movie's characters ... I can tell you that much."
Mark: "I try to stay away from marketing and advertising concerns."
Tim: Aqua Teen Banksy Force.

8. Any plans to expand?

John: "We're getting the word out ..."
Mark: "I'd like to force everyone to watch it, like they do in North Korea."
Tim: I'd like to suggest Houston.

9. Why such a limited release?

John: "We assumed the big corporate companies wouldn't back it."
Mark: "See No. 8."
Tim: See www.myspace.com/warincofficialsite or www.myspace.com/johncusack.

10. How does one cover absurd topics without seeming a bit absurd?

John: "Hey, if it makes you think more."
Mark: "Protean, tawdry, poignant."
Tim: That's absurd.

11. Any future political projects?

John: "If this is successful, then yes."
Mark: "If the Valley secedes from L.A., Johnny and I will start a junta."
Tim: Meet Leyner for drinks in New York.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/06/12/NSUM115QDB.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

dengue fever

2008-06-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: Dengue Fever

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Dengue Fever is Cambodian songstress Chhom Nimol, guitarist and vocalist Zac Holtzman, Zac's brother and Farfisa organist Ethan Holtzman, bass guitarist Senon Williams, brass player David Ralicke and drummer Paul Smith. We caught up with the band somewhere between here and Europe, where it just finished performing at two festivals in two countries over two days. We've always known we love Nimol, Zac's beard and the band's unique brand of psychedelic Cambodian dance pop, but we hadn't always known the following:

1. The quirkiness: "After the fall rains, Ethan forages through Golden Gate Park in search of the King Bolete mushroom. He often goes in the dark with a flashlight to uproot them before the kind Russian folk snatch them up."

2. The homesickness: "When Chhom Nimol gets homesick and tired of the cold gray weather in San Francisco, we take her to the Tonga Room to enjoy the tropical rain and simulated humidity."

3. The quickness: "Paul Dreux Smith is the best basketball player in the band."

4. The coziness: "Last week in the Netherlands, all six of us were forced to share a tiny hostel room with child size bunk beds. Surprisingly, we all got our best night's sleep of the tour."

5. The illness: "Dengue Fever managed to avoid contracting Dengue Fever while performing before tens of thousands of mosquitoes at the former Tonle Bassac stage in Cambodia."

6. The thickness: "While on tour Zac gets asked at least three times a day: 'How long did it take to grow your beard?' (The answer is a year and a half)."

7. The softness: "Ralicke has the softest dog in the world, named Nickel Jones. Nickel Jones gets jealous and chews up his wetsuit whenever he has a female companion sleep over."

8. The sleeplessness: "Ethan is the best snorer in the band."

9. The hatefulness: "Senon is over 6-foot-6 and despises mayonnaise."

10. The craziness: "Chhom Nimol just got her driver's permit, so look out!"

11. The getting down to business: Dengue Fever performs a free in-store gig at the Berkeley Amoeba Music 2 p.m. Saturday as part of the Berkeley World Music Festival, which goes from noon until 9 p.m. www.berkeleyworldmusic.org. Later in the day they perform at Dawn 2008, the grand re-opening party for the Contemporary Jewish Museum in San Francisco, which begins at 8 p.m. and lasts until dawn. The band goes on at 10:45 p.m. www.dawn2008.org.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/06/05/NSDT112F40.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

odds & ends

2008-05-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Odds and ends

Thursday, May 29, 2008

1. 1-in-1 chance:

That you are reading this right now.
That you are alive.
That you are mortal.

2. 1-in-2 chance:

That an American marriage will end in divorce.
That Clinton supporters will support Obama when she drops out of the race.
That she'll drop out of the race.

3. 1-in-3 chance:

That the war will end.
That the president will play golf again.
That conservatives will claim victory either way.

4. 1-in-4 chance:

That McCain is as "fit as a fiddle."
That you understand what "fit as a fiddle" means.
That you understand what McCain means.

5. 1-in-5 chance:

That you knew May was National Masturbation Month.
That May is somehow different from April.
That kids are giggling.

6. 1-in-6 chance:

That you knew the Butthole Surfers were reuniting.
That you knew it was the original lineup of the 1980s.
That they'll actually make it to the West Coast.

7. 1-in-7 chance:

That you agree "Monkey Man" is a better song than "Apeman."
That you understand the difference between monkeys and apes.
That creationists hate fossils.

8. 1-in-8 chance:

That you've already seen the new Weezer video on YouTube.
That you recognize every meme in it.
That you recognize the word meme.

9. 1-in-9 chance:

That you've heard of Slacker radio.
That you've tried it and liked it.
That you'll thank me if you haven't and you do.

10. 1-in-10 chance:

That you fully comprehend the difference between odds and chance.
That I fully comprehend the difference between odds and chance.
That the differences will be described as odd.

11. 1-in-11 chance:

That people will refer to this column as esoteric.
That I won't know what they mean.
That we'll say "precisely" at exactly the same time.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/29/NSFB10U57G.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle

no wave

2008-05-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

11 Things: No wave

Thursday, May 22, 2008

No Wave is nihilism. No Wave is minimalism. No Wave is music. No Wave is film. "No Wave" is a recent book by Marc Masters with a foreword by Weasel Walter. No Wave is their book tour in the Bay Area this weekend. No Wave is the following interview with Masters. No Wave is an interview with no questions:

1. No: "The entirety of No Wave is contained in those two letters. Short, blunt and potent, the word represents all the possibilities in rejection and resistance. Contrarian to the end, No Wave even said 'no' to its own existence."

2. New York: "No Wave could only have happened in late 1970s New York. Abandoned and insanely cheap, the city offered desperation and potential in equal measure."

3. No New York: "The Brian Eno-produced compilation - featuring Contortions, Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, Mars and DNA - wasn't the best or most important No Wave record. But without it, a lot less people would've heard of No Wave."

4. No Wave versus New Wave and punk: "No Wave took from, reacted to and rejected New Wave and Punk. As Weasel puts it in the book's foreword: 'No Wave truly screamed, 'F- you all! I don't want to be like you!' Punk said, 'F- them! We don't want to be like them!' See the difference?"

5. Obscurity: "No Wave records and films have always been hard to find. It's fitting that a movement that dodged definition and defied convention takes work to discover."

6. Influence: "No Wave is hugely influential, but very few bands sound like the original No Wavers - because they didn't even sound like each other."

7. Mars and DNA: "Mars, the first No Wave band, deconstructed rock in just two years and 11 songs; brother band DNA featured Arto Lindsay speaking in fervent tongues."

8. Lydia Lunch and James Chance: "The two genius brats of No Wave. Lunch refused to please her audience, preferring to alienate them; Chance literally confronted his, physically attacking them."

9. Soho: "The neighborhood that No New York forgot had tons of great No Wave groups, particularly Theoretical Girls, whose Glenn Branca later injected No Wave into modern classical via his guitar symphonies."

10. No Wave Cinema: "No Wave filmmakers - Eric Mitchell, Vivienne Dick, James Nares and Beth and Scott B. - put the music's aggression onscreen, using musicians as actors and screening in rock clubs."

11. Marc Masters and Weasel Walter: Sign copies of "No Wave" and play music at 2 p.m. Saturday at Amoeba Music, 1855 Haight St., San Francisco; read and host Death Sentence: Panda and Ettrick at 9 p.m. Saturday at 21 Grand, 416 25th St., Oakland; and play No Wave videos at 5 p.m. Sunday at Artists' Television Access, 992 Valencia St., San Francisco.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/22/NSO510P0H2.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

twitter

2008-05-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Twitter

Thursday, May 15, 2008

1. I am pondering an 11 Things column on Twitter right now. I am assuming that everyone knows what Twitter is. I am assuming those that don't won't mind if I continue ...

I am hoping.
I am hesitating.

2. I am sending you the following message: "I am pondering an 11 Things column on Twitter right now. I am assuming those that don't won't ..."

I am anticipating.
I am demonstrating.

3. I am reviewing items 1 and 2. I am pondering the fact that you are currently reading item 3. I am hyper ...

I am texting.
I am hypertexting.

4. I am explaining how Twitter works. I am microblogging. I am watching you roll your eyes. I am rolling my eyes because you are rolling your eyes ...

I am posting.
I am connecting.

5. I am realizing I don't want everyone to know what I'm doing right now. I am realizing I want everyone to know that I don't want everyone to know what I'm doing right now ...

I am confounding.
I am defying.

6. I am swimming in technology. I am noticing that the waves are quite large and the water's quite cold. I am drifting farther out to sea ...

I am waving.
I am drowning.

7. I am turning my stereo way up. I am opening up my windows. I am kicking open my doors ...

I am yelling.
I am screaming.

8. I am typing "I am turning my stereo way up. I am opening up ..."

I am listening.
I am enjoying.

9. "I am I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair ...

I am
I cried"

10. I am taking a step back and reading items 1 through 9. I am writing. I am rewriting ...

I am rereading.
I am pausing.

11. I am submitting this column to my editor. I am typing, "I am submitting this column to my editor ..."

I am smiling.
I am twittering.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/15/NSJ210KTFC.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

mother's day

2008-05-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Mother's Day

Thursday, May 8, 2008

1. Wikipedia: "A mother is a biological and/or social female parent of an offspring. In the case of a mammal such as a human, the biological mother gestates a fertilized ovum, which is called first an embryo, and then a fetus. This gestation occurs in the mother's uterus from conception until the fetus is sufficiently developed to be born. The mother then goes into labor and gives birth. Once the child is born, the mother produces milk in a process called lactation to feed the child; often the mother's breast milk is the child's sole nourishment for the first year or more of the child's life."

Mom: "Wiki ... what?"

2. Aristotle: "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."

Mom: "We adopted you, so we both know you're ours ... or not. OK, next one ..."

3. Pink Floyd: "Mother do you think they'll try to break my balls?"

Mom: "Yes."

4. "Blade Runner": Holden: "Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about ... your mother."

Leon: "My mother?"

Holden: "Yeah."

Leon: "Let me tell you about my mother ..."

Mom: "Damn replicants."

5. James Joyce: "Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not."

Mom: "Are you sure you want to use a quote with the word 'dunghill' in it?"

6. Oscar Wilde: "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

Mom: "It would be tragic if you mentioned this to your sister."

7. Homer Simpson: "You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

Mom: "Hmm ..."

8. Toni Morrison: "Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? In my heart it don't mean a thing."

Mom: "Precisely why I keep sending you socks and underwear."

9. The Who: "I went back to my mother/ I said, 'I'm crazy, ma, help me ...' "

Mom: "She said, 'I know how it feels, son/ 'Cause it runs in the family.'"

10. Oliver Wendell Holmes: "Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all."

Mom: "My secret hope is that you'll make your bed someday."

11. Yours truly: "Happy Mother's Day, Mom!"

Mom: "Thanks, Tim! ... Who is this for, again?"

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/08/NS3F10FRAU.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle

over-caffeinated

2008-05-01T11:32:00.001-07:00

121 Things: Over-caffeinated

Thursday, May 1, 2008

1. The top 11 over-caffeinated drink names (one word): Amp, Blow, Chic, Crunk, Guru, Havoc, Hype, Ludicrous, Mother, Superfly and Vamp.

2. The top 11 drink names (two words): Amp Overdrive, Beaver Buzz, Blue Jeans, Dark Dog, Go Girl, Howling Monkey, Pimp Juice, Socko Slim, Whey Up, Whoop Ass and Xyience Xenergy.

3. The top 11 drink names (three words): Faygo Moon Mist, Fever Stimulation Beverage, Kaboom Infinite Energy, Mana Energy Potion, Nuclear Waste Antidote, Orange County Choppers, Propel Invigorating Water, Pure Cofain 699, Ruby Red Squirt, Rumba Energy Juice and Who's Your Daddy?

4. The top 11 drink names (at a highway truck stop around 3 a.m.): Ammo, Battery, Bawls, Brawndo, Burn, Fuel Cell, Full Throttle, Hydrive, Monster, Ol' Glory and Rage.

5. The top 11 drinks (total caffeine): Fixx (500 mg), Boo-Koo Energy (360 mg), Redline Power Rush (350 mg), Wired X344 (344 mg), Starbucks Grande Coffee (330 mg), Spike Shooter, All City NRG and Viso Energy Vigor (300 mg), No Name (280 mg), Starbucks Tall Coffee (260 mg) and Redline RTD (250 mg). (Over-caffeinated information courtesy of www.energyfiend.com).

6. The top 11 drinks (caffeine per ounce): Ammo (171 mg/ounce), Redline Power Rush (140 mg/ounce), Mana Energy Potion (118.52 mg/ounce), Powershot and Skyrocket Caffeinated Syrup (100 mg/ounce), Stok Black Coffee Shots (90.91 mg/ounce), Fuel Cell (90 mg/ounce), Upshot (80 mg/ounce), Jolt Endurance Shot (75 mg/ounce), NOS Power Shot (62.5 mg/ounce) and your average cup of espresso (51.33 mg/ounce).

7. The top 11 food names (two words or less): Bawls Mints, Crackheads, Headshot, Moovitz, Rocket Chocolate, Stay Alert (U.S. Army), Sumseeds, Think Gum, Turbo Truffle, Umph and Zingos Mints.

8. The top 11 food names (three words or more): Black Black Gum, Blitz Energy Gum, Buzz Bites Chocolate Chews, Foosh Energy Mints, Kickbutt Amped Energy Ballz, M-60 Energy Mints, Mad-Croc Energy Chews, NRage Energy Strips, Oral Fixation Night Light Mints, Shock a Lots Chocolate Coffee Beans and Warp Energy Mints.

9. The top 11 activities: Flinching, hyperventilating, laughing, peeing, pooping, running, screaming, shaking, tossing, turning and twitching.

10. The top 11 problems: Agitation, concentration, degeneration, disintegration, disorientation, exaggeration, inclination, intoxication, irritation, moderation, palpitation and perspiration.

11. The top 11 synonyms for my thoughts: Blather, claptrap, gibberish, insanity, jabberwocky, lunacy, mumbo jumbo, nonsense, poppycock, prattle and twaddle.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/01/NS4310D6PS.DTL

rube waddell

2008-04-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Rube Waddell

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Rube Waddell is Freddi "Mahatma Boom Boom" Price, Kirk "Captain Feedback" Lombard, Larry "Reverend Wupass" Henderson and Max "A.Million" Baloian - men bold enough to play anywhere, playful enough to be eccentric, eccentric enough to be crazy and crazy enough to share the following words with us:

1. The man: In 1903, Rube Waddell won 22 games for the Philadelphia Athletics, logged 302 strikeouts, wrestled alligators in the off-season, played left end for the Business Men's Rugby Football Club of Grand Rapids, Mich., starred in a play called "The Stain of Guilt," courted, married and separated from May Wynne Skinner of Massachusetts, played marbles with kids, saved a drowning woman, did cartwheels to the mound, accidentally shot a friend through the hand and was bitten by a lion.

2. The band: In 1996, Rube Waddell began playing "Live at Leeds" in front of the (now gone) Leeds Shoe Store at 22nd and Mission.

3. The music: Rube Waddell is "The Three Penny Opera" interpreted by George Jones, Harry Partch and Little Walter after a three-day binge on rye whiskey and monkey face eel.

4. The freshness: Rube Waddell smells better than most bands.

5. The effect: When Rube Waddell passes by, rivers flow backward, clouds vomit burning sulfur, engines cease to function and birds become incontinent with fear.

6. The provocation: Rube Waddell can outwrestle, outfish, outpitch, outdrink and outtalk any other band in San Francisco. We submit this as an open challenge.

7. The history: Rube Waddell, trapped in a Chevy van on Donner Pass in January 2001, killed and ate Bay Area musician-composer Mark Growden, wasting no part of his body. From his bones we fashioned crude snowshoes and tennis rackets, from his skin, tepees and cloaks, from his teeth, dice, guitar picks and other trinkets.

8. The truth: Rube Waddell has logged more miles pushing its gear to shows in shopping carts than any other band in North America.

9. The ability: In addition to blowing your mind with tuba-driven, accordion-friendly, steel-guitar-bangin' junkyard folk ditties, Rube Waddell will predict your future and help you design a custom plan for the inevitable apocalypse.

10. The legend: Albert Einstein may have put it best: "The time will come when men will scarce believe that such a band as this, ever in flesh and blood, walked this earth amongst us."

11. The show: Rube Waddell (the band) plays Saturday night at Cafe Du Nord with Vermillion Lies and Agent Ribbons. 9:30 p.m. $12-$15 (21 and older). 2170 Market St., S.F. www.rubewaddell.org.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/24/NSVR105A12.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

reverse psychology

2008-04-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Reverse psychology

Thursday, April 17, 2008

1. Versatility / Electricity:

a) Society has advanced beyond all expectations.
b) Work practically gets done by itself.
c) More free time ...
d) And vacationing.

2. Veracity / Eccentricity:

a) Always expect the worst.
b) Never trust anyone.
c) Keep a low profile ...
d) And frown.

3. Voracity / Ferocity:

a) Modesty is for sissies.
b) Humble pie is unhealthy.
c) Pride matters most ...
d) And winning.

4. Atrocity / Complicity:

a) Tear down the house to put up a fence.
b) We can ponder the house again later.
c) Let's just wait ...
d) And see.

5. Fragility / Incapacity:

a) Privatize health care.
b) Spend more on frivolous health care advertising.
c) Frivolous health care advertising makes us all feel healthier ...
d) And happier.

6. Mobility / Capacity:

a) Always increase transit fares.
b) Fewer riders mean more places to sit.
c) If prices were lowered, people might stop driving ...
d) And ride.

7. Audacity / Publicity:

a) Baseball teams play on a level playing field.
b) Everyone's equal and there are no advantages.
c) This benefits the Giants and A's ...
d) And everyone.

8. Authenticity / Rapacity:

a) Money is far more important than anything else.
b) Everyone knows this.
c) It buys happiness ...
d) And love.

9. Civility / Volatility:

a) The media never wants a close race.
b) Trust me.
c) Politics is all about fairness ...
d) And balance.

10. Mendacity / Sagacity:

a) We must always take into consideration those that might not get it.
b) That way, we spell it out.
c) So people won't be confused ...
d) And upset.

11. Perspicacity / Reciprocity:

a) All for now.
b) Hope you're confused.
c) Please write ...
d) And complain.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/16/NSVR1058H8.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the sneetches

2008-04-10T00:08:00.001-07:00

11 Things: The Sneetches

Thursday, April 10, 2008

1. Star-bellied versus Plain-bellied: "Now the Star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars. The Plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars. The stars weren't so big; they were really quite small. You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all ..." links.sfgate.com/ZCYW. (See No. 6)

2. Subculture versus culture: Kids getting tattoos and dyeing their hair pink ... to fit in? Didn't these things used to be about separation, individualism and standing out from the crowd? The subculture has become the culture, and the culture has become the subculture and guess what ... everyone's still wearing a uniform. (See No. 7)

3. Indie versus emo: Indie has been swallowed up by the mainstream, which has been swallowed up by indie, and, from what I can tell, emo's become awful(ly emotional about it). (See No. 5)

4. Alternative versus mainstream: The mainstream can't write about the alternative and have the alternative remain alternative. It spoils it by the mere act of mentioning it. Naturally, this means everyone wants to migrate to the alternative, because the alternative can discuss things without ruining them. Thus, the mainstream realizes that there is no alternative and becomes the alternative (and vice versa). (See No. 2)

5. Blogs versus newspapers: Journalists are blogging and bloggers are journalists. Soon, both sides will have consumed the other whole, and then ... (See No. 9)

6. The Mission versus the Marina: Please remind me never to mention either of these neighborhoods again. Thank you. (See No. 10)

7. San Francisco versus New York: The small city with big-city culture and big-city problems seems to envy the complexity of life in the big city. The big city with the big-city culture and big-city problems seems to envy the simplicity of life in the small city. And don't even get me started on double star-bellied Los Angeles. (See No. 11)

8. Sincerity versus insincerity: Sincere insincerity is always better than insincere sincerity, but if everyone is sincerely going to be sincerely insincere, than won't the sincerely sincere people be sincerely wondering why they've been forgotten? (See No. 3)

9. Caring versus not caring: Caring wishes it could stop caring, but is too wrapped up in itself to stop. Not caring wishes it could somehow care again, but is too wrapped up in itself to stop. Earnestness just sits there and becomes increasingly earnest about not giving a damn either way. (See No. 1)

10. Irony versus reality: Many people believe irony is dead because of 9/11. This, of course, in a world where people are killed in order to be saved - because of 9/11. And politeness and ignorance dictate that we simply agree to disagree with one another - because of 9/11. So clearly it's necessary to kill irony in order to save it - because of 9/11. (See No. 4)

11. Obama versus Clinton: Sorry, can't talk right now. Too busy secretly chatting it up with superdelegate Sylvester McMonkey McBean. Apparently, he wants all the voters to run through his machine. (See No. 8)

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/10/NSJQ101C7T.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

truth for sale

2008-03-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Truth for sale

Thursday, March 27, 2008

1. Definition: "Advertising is selling Twinkies to adults."
- Donald R. Vance

(sponsored by: Twinkies)

2. Nutrition: "If everything on television is, without exception, part of a low-calorie (or even no-calorie) diet, then what good is it complaining about the adverts? By their worthlessness, they at least help to make the programmes around them seem of a higher level."
- Jean Baudrillard

(sponsored by: fast food and pharmaceuticals)

3. Clarification: "Let me try and clarify some of this for you. Best Company Supermarkets are not interested in selling wholesome foods. They are not worried about the nation's health. What is concerning them, is that the nation appears to be getting worried about its health, and that is what's worrying Best Co. ..."
- "How to Get Ahead in Advertising"

(sponsored by: our sponsors)

4. Manipulation: "It is pretty obvious that the debasement of the human mind caused by a constant flow of fraudulent advertising is no trivial thing. There is more than one way to conquer a country."
- Raymond Chandler

(sponsored by: our leaders)

5. Deception: "The deeper problems connected with advertising come less from the unscrupulousness of our 'deceivers' than from our pleasure in being deceived, less from the desire to seduce than from the desire to be seduced."
- Daniel J. Boorstin

(sponsored by: our fellow citizens)

6. Condition: "The modern little red riding hood, reared on singing commercials, has no objections to being eaten by the wolf."
- Marshall McLuhan

(sponsored by: the wolf)

7. Function: "Advertising is the modern substitute for argument. Its function is to make the worse appear better."
- George Santayana

(sponsored by: reverse psychology)

8. Convention: "The very minute a thought is threatened with publicity it seems to shrink towards mediocrity."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

(sponsored by: quiet modesty)

9. Perception: "I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
- Steven Wright

(sponsored by: the subconscious)

10. Fruition: "The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
- George Carlin

(sponsored by: the caterpillar's publicist)

11. Seduction: "Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising."
- John Lahr

(sponsored by: our society)

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/27/NSTVVPK94.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

madness

2008-03-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

9. Craziness:

"'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"
- Lewis Carroll

9. Tenderness:

"Everybody's youth is a dream, a form of chemical madness."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

9. Gutsiness:

"A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free."
- Nikos Kazantzakis

9. Joyfulness:

"'Now you understand the Oriental passion for tea,' said Japhy. 'Remember that book I told you about the first sip is joy, the second is gladness, the third is serenity, the fourth is madness, the fifth is ecstasy.'"
- Jack Kerouac

9. Drunkenness:

"Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness."
- Seneca

9. Pithiness:

"Madness is rare in individuals, but in groups, parties, nations and ages it is the rule."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

9. Harness:

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
- Robin Williams

9. Thoughtfulness:

"Madness is terrific I can assure you, and not to be sniffed at; and in its lava I still find most of the things I write about. It shoots out of one everything shaped, final, not in mere driblets as sanity does."
- Virginia Woolf

9. Truthiness:

"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."
- John Lennon

9. Distinctiveness:

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
- Salvador Dali

9. Madness:

"Madness, madness, they call it madness ..."
- Madness (orig. Prince Buster)

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

dan le sac vs. Scroobius Pip

2008-03-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

11 Things: dan le sac vs. Scroobius Pip

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Take electro dance beats, add some spoken word and what do you get? dan le sac vs. Scroobius Pip. Take a few well-made videos, add 2 million YouTube hits and what do you get? A virtual phenomenon. We caught up with Scroobius Pip just before the band's current tour of the United States. 11 Things vs. dan le sac vs. Scroobius Pip follows:

1. Scroobius Pip's name is based on an Edward Lear poem called "The Scroobious Pip." Other animals wanted to classify the Scroobious Pip, but the Scroobious Pip was unclassifiable. dan le sac's name is classifiable (but we're not going to go there today).

2. "We come from a small town called Stanford le Hope in Essex, U.K. All the big towns are near enough to travel to, so it kind of forces you to."

3. "We've never been to San Francisco, although I (Scroobius Pip) intended to live there once. I moved to Santa Monica and knocked about at a few hostels, then went on to L.A. and Vegas and ran out of money."

4. "We mash spoken word with electro-type stuff. It's a bit hard to describe."

5. "We've supported Mark Ronson, Saul Williams, Billy Bragg, El-P, Basement Jaxx and RZA. It's been great to be picked by these people we really respect to open up for them and get in front of different crowds." (If you happen to be on YouTube, you might also want to check out I Shouted Gun, featuring Scroobius Pip.)

6. "We're on our second U.S.A. tour, which, to us, is amazing. We get to come halfway around the world before even releasing our debut album. We like it in America. It's hotter here and the food is bigger."

7. "We'll be playing Coachella. We're having thousands of beard-shaped fans made up as a way for people to keep cool."

8. "We're both very hairy (sideburns versus beard). We seem to have become quite known for this fact, which is weird. I guess it makes us memorable in a sea of skinny jean wearers." (Please note: They've never lived in the Mission or Haight.)

9. "We have a MySpace page ( www.myspace.com/lesacvspip). We also have a great U.S. artist (Gene Goldstein) working on a 'lesacvspip site' that should be up soon. Our debut album will be coming out later this spring."

10. "Thou Shalt Always Kill" always kills. If you're not familiar with it, check it out at www.lexrecords.com/lesacvspip.htm. (If you are familiar with it, check it out again.)

11. Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip play Cafe Du Nord at 8 p.m. Sun. 1865 and Pants Pants Pants open. $12-$14. 2170 Market St. www.cafedunord.com. Thou shalt not miss it.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/12/NS2LVH73R.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

jay howell

2008-03-06T13:01:00.000-08:00

11 THINGS: Jay Howell

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Painter, cartoonist, author, publisher, DJ, cyclist, dog lover, art school dropout, record label co-owner, blogger and crazy eccentric, Jay Howell is 11 things to 11 people. To help kick off his first-ever solo show, "Punks Git Cut," he was kind enough to share 11 thoughts with us:

1. On politics: There is more of a need now to be kind to others. We are the peaceful warriors and we are awesome. We will look out for each other, make each other dinner and dance together. Also smash fascists and stuff.

2. On music: I DJ and buy a ton of records every month but when it comes down to it, I listen to Can every day.

3. On literature: I don't think there's a better book than "A Confederacy of Dunces." It's my life handbook.

4. On animals: Although I draw a ton of dogs, I have really bad asthma and can never own one except for Chihuahuas, which I've owned two of ... and lost them both to ex-girlfriends.

5. On health: I was attacked by a crazy person on my bike six months ago, shattering my collar bone. On the way to the hospital the ambulance ran over a curb and I smashed my shoulder even more.

6. On language: I don't ever swear in front of my parents. They're in for a surprise when they come see my show with all the naked people and f-words.

7. On art: I got a new animation about a motorcycle gang that only has one motorcycle. I find this very funny.

8. On food: I love candy. I love to eat candy. I eat peanut M&Ms every day.

9. On sex: Taking a photo of two people 69ing on a skateboard is the hardest thing I've ever done.

10. On work: I work in a cafe, making lattes. I don't know what to think about this.

11. On life: This is my first solo show and I'm wicked excited.

Jay Howell's "Punks Git Cut" Opens at 6 tonight at 111 Minna. The Jizz and various DJs perform. The exhibition runs through March 29. Noon-5 p.m. Tues.-Fri. and by appt. (415) 974-1719. www.111minnagallery.com

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/06/NSICV91NB.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

leap year

2008-02-28T10:32:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Leap year

Thursday, February 28, 2008

1. Fact: One year is actually 365.2421896698 days.
Fiction: 96 hours is actually 96.0636988 hours.

2. Fact: Bissextile is the official name of the leap year.
Fiction: 2008 has a sexual orientation.

3. Fact: Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenberdorft Sr. was born on Feb. 29, 1904.
Fiction: He later inspired Edward Gorey's "The Gashlycrumb Tinies."

4. Fact: There is scientific evidence that the Earth's rotation on its axis is slowing down because of global warming.
Fiction: There is scientific evidence that politics never interferes with science.

5. Fact: In 1288, Scotland established Leap Day as a time when a woman could propose marriage to a man.
Fiction: There was no punishment if he refused.

6. Fact: The Leap Year Cocktail was invented at London's Savoy Hotel on Feb. 29, 1928.
Fiction: I'll only be drinking one Friday.

7. Fact: On Feb. 29, 1952, the first "Walk/Don't Walk" signs were installed in New York City.
Fiction: Pedestrians caught on quickly.

8. Fact: On Feb. 29, 1972, the Carpenters received a gold record for the hit single "Hurting Each Other."
Fiction: The song was about the band and its fans.

9. Fact: Feb. 30 was a real date in Sweden and the Soviet Union.
Fiction: Vodka explains most of this.

10. Fact: When you use the "weekday" function in Microsoft Excel 2000 to compute the day of the week for dates before March 1, 1900, the function returns an incorrect result.
Fiction: Microsoft Excel 2000 is otherwise fun.

11. Fact: Anthony, Texas/New Mexico will be holding its Sixth Worldwide Leap Year Festival today through Sunday.
Fiction: There are many other reasons to visit Anthony, Texas/New Mexico.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/28/NSS2V8D1J.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

confucius

2008-02-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Confucius

Thursday, February 21, 2008

1. On journalism:

"An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger."

2. On fame:

"I am not bothered by the fact that I am unknown. I am bothered when I do not know others."

3. On America:

"In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of."

4. On Muni:

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."

5. On shopping:

"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get."

6. On the Internet:

"I have never seen one who loves virtue as much as he loves sex."

7. On life:

"If we don't know life, how can we know death?"

8. On war:

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

9. On travel:

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

10. On knowledge:

"To know is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge."

11. On this column:

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/21/NSOKV3OG8.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

mccain is a jackass

2008-02-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

In a scarcely veiled attack on Obama, the Republican nominee-in-waiting said, "I will fight every moment of every day in this campaign to make sure that Americans are not deceived by an eloquent but empty call for change."

love bites

2008-02-14T07:34:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Love Bites

Thursday, February 14, 2008

1. Real world:

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end."
- Anonymous

2. Ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've?):

"Love is what happens to a man and woman who don't know each other."
- William Somerset Maugham

3. Operator's manual:

"All You Need Is Cash"
- The Rutles

4. Nostalgia:

"I detest 'love lyrics.' I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on 'love lyrics.' "
- Frank Zappa

5. Just lust:

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia."
- H.L. Mencken

6. Sixteen again:

"Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away."
- Holden Caulfield in J.D. Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye."

7. Walking distance:

"My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there."
- Carrie Fisher

8. Love is lies:

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
- Matt Groening

9. Nothing left:

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen, "Love and Death"

10. E.S.P.:

"If I love you, what business is it of yours?"
- Goethe

11. Late for the train:

"Grief can take care of itself but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with."
- Mark Twain

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/14/NSU3V0BEM.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

neal cassady

2008-02-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Neal Cassady

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Neal Cassady was many people to many people. He was Dean Moriarty in Jack Kerouac's "On the Road," the secret hero in Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" and the driver of Ken Kesey's bus. He was also John Allen Cassady's father. Following are 11 Things John wanted to relate about his dad.

1. Contrary to popular myth regarding his reputation, my father did, indeed, have a family, and he strove to be a good husband, father and provider.

2. When the Merry Pranksters went on the famous bus trip to New York, my mother (having no sense of humor) insisted I go to school instead. She rightly asked Neal not to glorify that lifestyle every time he came by.

3. My father's mind was highly evolved, but he never bragged or put others down.

4. They never intended to create the beat generation, hippies or the anti-war movement, but I'm glad for the seeds they planted.

5. No matter how much the Eisenhower and McCarthy eras were oppressive, that period was a day at the beach compared with what's going on now.

6. When Dad and Kesey rescued me and my sister from high school to go see the Grateful Dead, they were in the principal's office in white jump-suits, crazy hats and Day-Glo orange Beatle boots. The principal said, "This man claims to be your father!" We said, "Hey, what's up, Dad?" After some signatures, they let us go (and it was the best Friday ever).

7. These bikers were about to lower the boom on some kid for God knows what, and Dad jumped into the fray, saying, "Here, have some gum!" All the bikers backed off, astonished. "Here, have some gum," he kept saying in the middle of the circle until the situation was defused. Kesey just watched in amazement.

8. I was sitting across from Ginsberg in our home around 1965. He said, "Johnny, do you want to know a secret? The Beatles smoke pot!" I said, "What's pot?" I'll never forget how crestfallen Ginsberg looked when the scoop of the century was lost on me.

9. He named me after Kerouac and Ginsberg, but, at the last minute, he changed "Jack" to "John." Years later, I asked Mom about this. She said, "I asked him about that at the time, and he said, 'Well, if you say it fast, it sounds like JackAssady and no one is going to call my son a jackass all his life!' "

10. Of all the doors my father has opened to me, I would trade them all to have him back.

11. John Allen Cassady and his sister Jami will be attending the Third Annual Neal Cassady Birthday Bash this weekend. 10 a.m.-10 p.m. Sat.-Sun. The Beat Museum, 540 Broadway, S.F. (415) 399-9626. www.thebeatmuseum.org.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/07/NS8AURQ3U.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

creig flessel

2008-01-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Creig Flessel

Thursday, January 31, 2008

1. Feb. 2, 1912: Creig Flessel is born in Huntington, Long Island, New York.

2. 1920s: Attends the Grand Central Art School at the same time as Charles Addams (who later does the New Yorker comics that become the inspiration for "The Addams Family").

3. 1930s: Works on More Fun Comics and pre-Batman issues of Detective Comics. Later works on the original Sandman. Marries Marie Marino in 1937.

4. 1940s: Works on Adventure Comics and creates the Shining Knight. Also works on New York World's Fair Comics.

5. 1950s: Works for ad agency Johnstone and Cushing. Briefly works on Superboy comics.

6. 1960s: Works on a syndicated comic strip about a young minister, David Crane. (Balances this out in No. 8.)

7. 1970s: Works on Prez 4: Vampire in the White House in 1974.

8. 1980s: Works on the Tales of Baron von Furstinbed for Playboy. (Balanced this out in No. 6.)

9. 1990s: Receives the 1991 Comic-Con International Inkpot Award and the 1992 National Cartoonists Society Silver T-Square Extraordinary Service Award.

10. 2000s: Moves to Mill Valley. Gets mentioned in Michael Chabon's "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay," (albeit with his name misspelled). In 2007, he receives the Sparky Award and celebrates his 70th wedding anniversary.

11. Feb. 2, 2008: Flessel turns 96. He makes it a point to mention that he still draws, adding with a laugh, "at my age, what the hell else am I going to do?"

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/30/NSR6UNP42.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

john oliver

2008-01-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

11 Things: John Oliver

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

On the eve of his maiden performances in San Francisco, 11 Things asked John Oliver to tell us 11 things we didn't already know about John Oliver. Here's what he said:

1. He has never been to San Francisco before - although that will only be true for a few more hours, so enjoy this fact before it becomes a barefaced lie.

2. He broke his nose while fighting the Confederate Army in a "Daily Show" field piece about the Civil War. And yet, shamefully, no medal is forthcoming from the Pentagon. Honor your heroes, America!

3. He will be playing a character called Dick Pants in the new Mike Myers movie.

4. As a British citizen he is - at worst - 67,000,000th in line to the throne.

5. He carries an autograph from Liverpool football player Ian Rush in his wallet - and has done so since he was 11 years old.

6. He once received a letter of complaint from Buckingham Palace.

7. He made his first ever purchase on eBay a month ago - an old poster of Lenny Bruce.

8. He won the "Daily Show" fantasy football tournament this year - to the disgust and embarrassment of the rest of the office.

9. He and John Hodgman were knocked out of a charity Scrabble tournament in the first round last weekend. Even though he was about to use all seven letters on the word "trellis."

10. He shares on office at work with Rob Riggle - which is like sharing an office with Captain America.

11. He'll be performing at 8 and 10:15 p.m. Fri. (with Roy Zimmerman) and 8 and 10:15 p.m. Sat. (with Johnny Steele) at Cobb's Comedy Club, 815 Columbus Ave., S.F. $23.50. 18+. (415) 928-4230. www.cobbscomedyclub.com.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/23/NSGSUJMOU.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

one night stand

2008-01-16T23:11:00.000-08:00

11 Things: One Night Stand

Thursday, January 17, 2008

11th Annual One Night Stand Local musicians play their favorite covers for charity. 9 p.m. Sat. $12. Slim's, 333 11th St., San Francisco. (415) 522-0333. www.slims-sf.com.

1. Bob Reed (Overwhelming Colorfast/Oranger): Favorite covers: This year my favorites will be the Minutemen songs I'm playing, but that might change when I hear some of the others. Loves: Al Franken, Leonard Maltin, Mach 5.

"Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read." -Frank Zappa

2. Michele Kappel (a.k.a. Tippy Canoe): Favorite covers: "Call Me" (Blondie), "Telephone Line" (ELO), "Cruel to Be Kind" (Nick Lowe). Loves: Squeeze, the Ronettes, Duke Ellington Orchestra, Blondie, Queen.

"I intend to live forever or die trying." - Groucho Marx

3. Michael Shaw (formerly of The Aktion): Favorite covers: "Moonage Daydream" (David Bowie), "Ten Years Gone" (Led Zeppelin), "Big Balls" (AC/DC). Loves: Huey Lewis and the News, Sammy Hagar, Journey.

"Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" - John Lydon

4. Andy Duvall (Browntown West): Favorite covers: Hands down, "One, Two, Three Lock Box" (Sammy Hagar). The tune and its title ... dumb and dumber ... yet catchy. Loves: Killdozer, the Frogs, the Ramones, Schoolly D, DJ Code Money.

"Don't quit your day job." - my dad (but I think someone else coined the phrase)

5. Chris Lehmann (formerly of Heavy Into Jeff and Magnified): Favorite covers: Anything from a John Hughes movie. Loves: Spoon, the Flaming Lips, Radiohead.

"The worst mistake a person can make is to whittle down his dreams to fit the size of his hometown." - Stephen Coonts

6. Andy Peregrin (Andy and the Dicks): Favorite covers: "A Quick One" (the Who), "Beat My Guest" (Adam and the Ants), anything by Journey. Loves: The Zombies (all-time), the Soledad Brothers (currently), the Magic Bullets (locally).

"I'm just sayin'..."

7. Greg Beshers (the Parker Brothers): Favorite covers: Anything by Dolly Parton, Juice Newton or Kenny Rogers. Also, "I Don't Feel Like Dancin' " (the Scissor Sisters), "Ah! Leah!" (Donnie Iris). Loves: Neil Diamond, Kenny Rogers, Slade.

"If you like music, you'll love us!"

8. Jeff Jewhurst (the Clarke Nova):

Favorite covers: "Southern Man" (Neil Young), "Champagne Supernova" (Oasis), "Hanging on the Telephone" (Blondie). Loves: Neil Young, MC5, Big Boys, the Sonics.

"Doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you ..." - Neil Young

9. Debra Knox (Debra Knox Power Trio/the B Cups): Favorite covers: "Mas Que Nada" (Sergio Mendes & Brasil '66), "Je ne regrette rien" (Edith Piaf), "A Thing Called Love" (Johnny Cash). Loves: The Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, Elvis Costello.

"I am astonished, disappointed, pleased with myself. I am distressed, depressed, rapturous. I am all these things at once and cannot add up the sum." - Carl Jung

10. Eddy Budds-DJ Fast Eddy (co-promoter): Favorite covers: The Pretenders' "Stop Your Sobbing" (the Kinks), the Bangles' "Going Down to Liverpool" (Katrina and the Waves), the Lyres' "No Reason to Complain" (the Alarm Clocks). Loves: The Kinks, Stiff Little Fingers, the Lyres.

"I would never want to belong to any club that would consider having me as a member." - Groucho Marx

11. Shari Krumel (promoter): "We started 'One Night Stand' 11 years ago to make the local music scene less competitive and more cohesive. We also wanted to have fun. Performers this year will be covering Queen, Television, T-Rex, Dolly Parton, Blondie, Minutemen, Spinal Tap and many others. Proceeds from past shows have benefited a variety of different organizations. This year's show benefits cancer research."

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/16/NS1NUDVMF.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

post-holiday stress disorder

2008-01-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Post-Holiday Stress Disorder

1. Speaking: You seem to find yourself using the word "dank" in every third sentence, unlike before the holidays, when you were using the word "swank."

2. Working: You're back at the cube farm now, waiting for the harvesting. Something happened on Monday, but you can't be too certain what it was. You remember being scolded on Tuesday for murmuring "all work and no play ..." Now it's Thursday and you're on your knees, in tears, and begging for Calgon to take you away.

3. Staring: You spent most of last Sunday listening to Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)," while pensively staring out the window. You even remember singing along for a bit, giving the song a certain misfit vibe that could be compared only to the teardrop rolling down the face of Iron Eyes Cody during that anti-litter campaign back in the 1970s.

4. Heating: You're seriously considering moving your bed into the hallway, so that you can sleep a foot away from your DC-10 Dust Bunny Mounted Wall Heater, which gives off just enough "heat" to warm up three of your fingers, two of your toes and the wee little cockles of your heart.

5. Viewing: You finally finish catching up on all the movies you semi-intended to watch last year, but you make the mistake of viewing them all at once. A few hours later, you realize your brain has turned to movie medley madness mush.

6. Wearing: You need to stop kidding yourself. Nothing fits and nothing will ever fit again.

7. Decorating: You refuse to take your Christmas tree down for at least two or three more weeks, and you continue reminding everyone within earshot that the Christmas lights will be staying up permanently.

8. Listening: Your iTunes still has the Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping" song playing in heavy rotation, and you're still drinking copious amounts of eggnog and whiskey each time you listen to it.

9. Traveling: You decide to hail a cab. The cabbie asks, "Where to?" You reply "2007." There's a short pause as the cabbie looks at you in the rearview mirror and then looks at the meter. He smiles and begins to drive.

10. Caffeinating: You hear the faint sound of your synapses snapping as you entertain the notion of a third espresso. You finish jotting down some illegible notes on a dirty napkin about "post-holiday stress disorder." The barista eyes you suspiciously and asks you to leave.

11. Preparing: You've looked at your calendar and counted out the days a couple of times now, and you're quite certain that there are only 350 days left until Christmas. Time is of the essence now - you need to get ready.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/09/NSG0UALR3.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

paper tigers

2008-01-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

11 THINGS: Paper Tigers

Thursday, January 3, 2008

1. How laughter feels about boredom

How love feels about hate.
How daring feels about different.
How courage feels about fear.

2. How doing feels about planning

How spending feels about saving.
How success feels about failure.
How life feels about death.

3. How kids feel about parents

How breaking the rules feels about rules.
How irresponsible feels about responsible.
How whoops feels about too late.

4. How "how are you doing today?" feels about how you are doing today

How winks feel about nods.
How voices feel about quiet.
How partying feels about rest.

5. How e-mailers feel about e-mailing

How opening feels about reading.
How wondering feels about knowing.
How deleting feels about saving.

6. How men feel about women

How flirting feels about trouble.
How confident feels about tentative.
How too much feels about not enough.

7. How giving feels about receiving

How asking feels about not asking.
How excitement feels about calling.
How music feels about everything.

8. How now brown cow

How insane feels about sane.
How how I feel feels about how I feel.
How writing feels about writing this.

9. How women feel about men

How chance feels about fate.
How maybe feels about definitely.
How caution feels about wind.

10. How readers feel about writers

How today feels about tomorrow.
How tigers feel about zoos.
How everyone feels about complaining.

11. How writers feel about readers

How quintessential feels about essential.
How carpe diem feels about waiting and seeing.
How 2008 feels about predictions and resolutions.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/03/NSDGU73TN.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

columns that weren't columns

2007-12-12T21:41:00.000-08:00

11 THINGS: Columns That Weren't Columns

Thursday, December 13, 2007

1. 11 Things: Cloud porn

What: Clouds so beautiful, they were obscene.
Why: Because talk of cloud porn would lead to talk of food porn would lead to talk of column porn.
Why it never happened: The word "porn" is word porn.

2. 11 Things: Emo

What: Kittens, teens and teardrops.
Why: To get in touch with our deepest, innermost thoughts.
Why it never happened: We were overcome with emotion.

3. 11 Things: Planted questions

What: Have you ever come up with an idea this wonderful?
Why: We've never come up with an idea this wonderful!
Why it never happened: Ask Hillary.

4. 11 Things: Public relations

What: Reaching out to our readers.
Why: Public relations.
Why it never happened: PR people kept interrupting us.

5. 11 Things: The mayor's race

What: The 11 people that ran against the mayor.
Why: Because 11 people were running against the mayor.
Why it never happened: Because it never happened.

6. 11 Things: Local football

What went wrong?
Why does it go wrong every year?
Why it never happened: Everything went wrong.

7. 11 Things: Gun control

What: A column bashing the NRA.
Why: Because they have too much influence.
Why it never happened: Got shot down.

8. 11 Things: Barry Manilow's nose

What: What?
Why: Why?
Why it never happened: God bless you.

9. 11 Things: Britney Spears

What: A column left entirely blank.
Why: Because that's precisely what we think.
Why it never happened: We stopped thinking about it.

10. 11 Things: The 12 days of Christmas

What: A countdown to Christmas.
Why: Because Christmas is just 12 days away!
Why it never happened: The 12 days come after, not before.

11. 11 Things: The Treachery of Images

What: Magritte.
Why: Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
Why it never happened: Because this is a column.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/12/NSKOTRIHD.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

rain songs

2007-12-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Rain songs

Thursday, December 6, 2007

1. "Singin' in the Rain" Arthur Freed/Nacio Herb Brown (1929)

"Come on with the rain/ I've a smile on my face"

Random thoughts: About "A Clockwork Orange."
What I meant to say: "Hi, hi, hi there, my little droogies."

2. "Rain" The Beatles (1966)

"If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads/ they might as well be dead"

Random thoughts: The Beatles begin toying around with reverse lyrics.
What I meant to say: yas ot tnaem I tahW

3. "Rainy Day Women, Nos. 12 and 35" Bob Dylan (1966)

"Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good"

Random thoughts: 12 times 35.
What I meant to say: 420.

4. "Cold Rain and Snow" Grateful Dead (1966)

"Well, I married me a wife, she's been trouble all my life"

Random thoughts: I would exclude this if I lived anywhere else.
What I meant to say: I should replace this with Clapton's "Let It Rain."

5. "Who'll Stop the Rain?" Creedence Clearwater Revival (1970)

"And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain?"

Random thoughts: Apparently no one.
What I meant to say: Where are the protest songs of today?

6. "Rainy Days and Mondays" Williams/Nichols (1971)

"Talkin' to myself and feelin' old ..."

Random thoughts: The Carpenters?
What I meant to say: Nooooooooooooo!!!

7. "The Rain Song" Led Zeppelin (1973)

"This is the wonder of devotion ..."

Random thoughts: "Houses of the Holy" remains obligatory.
What I meant to say: "The Song Remains the Same."

8. "Purple Rain" Prince & the Revolution (1984)

"I never wanted to be your weekend lover/ I only wanted to be some kind of friend"

Random thoughts: People who don't necessarily love Prince still love this song.
What I meant to say: I still love this song.

9. "Rain" Tones on Tail (1984)

"She said, time to crush this feeling/ Writing very long letters as soon as it rains"

Random thoughts: Tones on Tail once played the I-Beam?
What I meant to say: I wish I were younger. No, wait ... I wish I were older.

10. "No Rain" Blind Melon (1993)

"And all I can do is just pour some tea for two/ And speak my point of view/ But it's not sane/ It's not sane"

Random thoughts: Listening to Shannon Hoon's whiny high-pitched voice isn't sane.
What I meant to say: Ouch.

11. "Chocolate Rain" Tay Zonday (2007) (courtesy of YouTube)

"Chocolate rain/ Seldom mentioned on the radio/ Chocolate rain/ It's the fear your leaders call control"

Random thoughts: The Darth Vader version is better than the original.
What I meant to say: The McGruff the Crime Dog version is better than both.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/05/NSH1TCBUL.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

google analytics

2007-12-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

haiku

2007-11-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

Haiku

Thursday, November 29, 2007

1. Haiku:

Counting already?
That's correct. 5-7-5.
Really quite simple.

2. Life:

Life is poetry.
What? Nobody mentioned this?
Take a look around.

3. The Bus:

Was riding the bus.
Crazy guy sat down nearby.
Began throwing sporks.

4. Children:

The kids are screaming.
It's seven in the morning.
Just glad they aren't mine.

5. Winter:

Cold nights, frozen toes.
Where's my electric blanket?
Post-modern Linus.

6. Holidays:

Christmas already?
Yearly consumer nightmare.
All the money's gone.

7. Technology:

My computer died.
Enjoy the schadenfreude.
I'll be breaking things.

8. Television:

Pharmaceuticals.
TV ads so full of them.
Many side effects.

9. Public relations:

No time to reply.
Too busy working right now.
All apologies.

10. Dreams:

That's me over there.
Shaking my fist at the sky.
The sky wonders why.

11. Time:

November's over?
You've got to be kidding me.
Was just about to ...

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/28/NSM4TJ950.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

121 things to be thankful for

2007-11-21T18:52:00.001-08:00

121 Things: To Be Thankful For

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

1. The restaurants (and crazy good food): Mum's, Art's Cafe, Taqueria Cancun, Little Baobab, Rosamunde Sausage Grill, Tadich Grill, Kiss, El Tonayense, Arinell Pizza, Iroha and Yum Yum House.

2. The bars (and lost memories): 500 Club, the Homestead, El Rio, Sadie's Flying Elephant, Latin American Club, Toronado, Zeitgeist, Gestalt, the Uptown, the Phone Booth and Bender's (which is reopening soon).

3. The clubs (and found memories): 12 Galaxies, Great American Music Hall, Mezzanine, Bottom of the Hill, Cafe Du Nord, Hemlock Tavern, Annie's Social Club, Bimbo's 365 Club, Slim's, the Make-Out Room and Thee Parkside.

4. The serious songs (and fond memories): "Another Girl, Another Planet" (the Only Ones), "Where Were You?" (the Mekons), "Doin' It Again" (the Feelies), "Gotta Getaway" (Stiff Little Fingers), "Bastards of Young" (the Replacements), "Neat Neat Neat" (the Damned), "New Noise" (the Refused), "Rockets" (Cat Power), "Teenage Riot" (Sonic Youth), "In Sadding Around" (Jawbreaker) and "Life Is Grand" (Camper Van Beethoven).

5. The goofy songs (and fun memories): "Age of Pamparius" (Turbonegro), "Shake Your Rump" (Beastie Boys), "Hey Hey What Can I Do" (Led Zeppelin), "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)" (AC/DC), "I Wanna Be Sedated" (the Ramones), "Bitchin' Camaro" (the Dead Milkmen), "Little Guitars" (Van Halen), "Push th' Little Daisies" (Ween), "Saving Up for My Space Ship" (Earthlings?), "TV Party" (Black Flag) and "Wot?" (Captain Sensible).

6. The Web (and constant flow of information): SFGate.com, Salon, Slate, BBC News, Mother Jones, Vice, SFist/LAist/Bostonist/Gothamist, Boing Boing, Defamer, Gawker and Wonkette.

7. The voices (of sanity in an insane world): Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Seymour Hersh, Frank Rich, Maureen Dowd, Arianna Huffington, Robert Scheer, Paul Krugman, Bob Herbert and Tom Tomorrow.

8. The freedom (to speak out): Against war, torture, corruption, lies, deception, fraud, greed, cronyism, negligence, incompetence - and the freedom to be elsewhere when these matters are brought up at your dinner table later today.

9. The being (old enough to know better and young enough not to care): Vim, vigor, fun, desire, determination, passion, patience, attitude, fortitude, independence and perseverance.

10. The friends (old and new): Tom, Eric, Tashalex, Kim, Jimmy, Charlene, Sean, Rich, Rych, Ryan, Todd and all the crazy people out there in cyberspace.

11. The family (always, always, always): Mom, Dad, Amy, Jeff, Matthew, Adam, Uncle John, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Mary Lou, Uncle Emmett and Uncle Joe.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/21/NSPVTFBDM.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

procrastination

2007-11-14T21:10:00.001-08:00

11 Things: Procrastination

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

1. Call your friends: Make sure to talk to each one for at least half an hour.

This helps them procrastinate as well, and creates a glorious chain reaction all over the world. OK ... good ... we're only on item No. 1 and we're well on our way to being well on our way to avoiding well on our way.

2. Fresh coffee: Make it immediately.

Better yet, head to a nearby cafe. San Francisco has one near every liquor deli (i.e. the place where you'll stop and loiter after drinking your coffee).

3. Grab a newspaper: Maybe this one.

Geez, I'm not in marketing ... oh wait ... if you're reading this, you're already here. Right, right ... OK, skip Nos. 1 and 2. What? You read them already? You were supposed to be procrastinating!

4. Dwell on No. 3: Get seriously confused.

Talk to yourself about it for a while, until you get to the bottom of things. When you get to the bottom of things, be sure to exhale ... and order another cup of coffee.

5. Pretend: You're under the gun.

Look at the clock. Tell yourself you have until __ to get __ finished or __! Or what? Exactly! Well, let's imagine the possibilities ... and take our sweet ol' time.

6. Vacuum: Now.

Tell yourself you have until __ to get all your vacuuming finished or __! It's a well-known fact that the only time vacuuming ever gets done is when you're avoiding something else. Fortunately, right now just happens to be one of those times.

7. ... is missing: Figure out where it went.

Unless, of course, you were with me at No. 3, and you skipped ahead. If that's the case, we've both reached procrastination nirvana. We get to skip Nos. 8 and 9 and go directly to No. 10.

8. Check: Your e-mail.

Especially if friends in item No. 1 said they were going to forward this column to you. If they did, please note that Nos. 1, 3, 4 and 8 will leave you in a permanent state of procrastination. Good! This means we only need to focus on Nos. 2, 5, 6 and 7 from here on out ... and there is no No. 7!

9. Music: Turn it on. Turn it up. Dance!

After No. 8, it really doesn't matter what you do because you won't be doing anything either way. Embrace this. Realize you can also do Nos. 6 and 9 simultaneously, but you won't ... procrastinators never multitask.

10. Nap: Clearly, it's time for one.

All this hard work avoiding hard work has taken its toll. Hell, I'm exhausted and I'm not even you! What? One of your friends just called back? Don't answer it! I mean seriously. When you wake up later, you'll have to start over at No. 1. Why overexert yourself?

11. Recall: Just exactly what it was you were procrastinating about in the first place.

Because I have to tell you - I can no longer remember either.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/14/NSV2TAVR3.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

upside down world

2007-11-08T00:06:00.000-08:00

11 Things: Upside down world

Thursday, November 8, 2007

1. San Francisco: Gentrifying faster than you can say the word "gentrify."
Wealth now celebrated like a whore in Hollywood.

Upside: 96 Hours offers cheap alternatives.
Downside: Rich people don't.

2. The mayor: A wealthy young socialite in charge of a famously liberal city.
He ran without a serious challenger.

Upside: The imaginary race in my mind was wildly entertaining.
Downside: Matt Gonzalez may have actually won this time around.

3. Global warming: Al Gore wins an Oscar.
Arnold Schwarzenegger takes some political initiative.

Upside: Canada looking better and better.
Downside: Not having children looking better and better.

4. International politics: Bleeding heart conservatives.
Isolationist liberals.

Upside: Hillary Clinton coasting right along.
Downside: Hillary Clinton coasting right along.

5. Fiscal politics: Republicans spending like there's no tomorrow.
Democrats pleading for responsibility.

Upside: Still working on this one.
Downside: Been working on it for at least the past five years.

6. MySpace: Everyone hates Rupert Murdoch.
He owns the most popular social network on the Web.

Upside: Fun with irony.
Downside: Socializing without socializing.

7. Reality: Reality owns TV.
TV no longer owns reality.

Upside: TV no longer owns reality.
Downside: Reality owns TV.

8. Life: The public is becoming private.
The private is becoming public.

Upside: Mercenaries like Blackwater get exposed.
Downside: Mercenaries like Britney Spears get exposed.

9. Tolerance: Tolerance no longer tolerated.
Intolerance is.

Upside: Wake-up call for those paying attention.
Downside: Nobody is.

10. Religion: Skeptics met with skepticism.
Believers met with belief.

Upside: I'm listening to "Highway to Hell."
Downside: I'm going to hell.

11. News: The Internet no longer fights to keep up with the news.
The news fights to keep up with the Internet.

Upside: Today is tomorrow.
Downside: Yesterday's gone.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/07/NSP7T6NCV.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

bumper stickers

2007-11-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: Bumper Stickers

Thursday, November 1, 2007

1. Travel

"We can't stop here - this is bat country!"
"This is not my beautiful car"
"I'm driving this car ironically"

Perfect for: Road trips and other trips.

2. Peace

"Make Love, Not War"
"Make Levees, Not War"
"Maker's Mark, Not War"

Perfect for: San Francisco, New Orleans and yours truly.

3. War

"No, seriously ... why did we invade Iraq?"
"I love the smell of oil in the morning"
"I support the military industrial complex"

Perfect for: Those who still give a damn.

4. Personal politics

"If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention"
"Help the planet, kill yourself"
"Apathy rules, or something ... whatever"

Perfect for: The younger generation.

5. Presidential politics

"I never thought I'd miss Nixon"
"Honk if you voted for Bush so I can give you the finger"
"No President Left Behind"

Perfect for: California.

6. Dumbing down of America

"The proctologist called. They found your head."
"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
"Eschew obfuscation"

Perfect for: Texas.

7. Evolution

The ichthys fish: Jesus!
The Darwin fish: The ichthys fish with legs (i.e. the tiktaalik).
The truth fish: Eats the Darwin fish.

Perfect for: The Cthulhu (i.e. the beast that eats them all).

8. Religion

"The Rapture is not an exit strategy"
"I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either"
"My stepmom's boyfriend says marriage is a holy sacrament"

Perfect for: Atheists.

9. Relationships

"The Moral Majority is neither"
"Men have feelings too, but who cares"
"I think, therefore I'm single"

Perfect for: Women.

10. The meaning of life

"What color will a Smurf turn if you choke it?"
"Does anal retentive have a hyphen?"
"What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?"

Perfect for: Philosopher kings.

11. The end

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else"
"Without me it's just aweso"
"I never finish anyth"

Perfect

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/01/NS36T2RIU.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

candy bar countdown

2007-10-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Candy Bar Countdown

Thursday, October 25, 2007

11. Mounds:

Upside: Almost as good as Almond Joy.
Downside: Almost as good as Almond Joy.
Sugar high thoughts: You'd be nuts to think otherwise.

10. Almond Joy:

Upside: Like Mounds, but with teeth.
Downside: I just mentioned teeth.
Sugar high thoughts: My dentist hates me.

9. Snickers:

Upside: Snickers really satisfies.
Downside: Snickers really satisfies too much.
Sugar high thoughts: One bite and I'm full.

8. Rolos:

Upside: "You can roll a Rolo to your pal."
Downside: You can watch your pal miss it.
Sugar high thoughts: You can swear.

7. Skor:

Upside: Toffee sounds like something prim and proper.
Downside: Name sounds like bad Scandinavian metal band.
Sugar high thoughts: Fun to say "thin slab of butter toffee" while eating a thin slab of butter toffee.

6. Butterfingers:

Upside: Bart Simpson loves 'em.
Downside: Crumbly, crumbly, crumbly.
Sugar high thoughts: Time to visit www.followthefinger.com and play more Ding Dong Pingpong.

5. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:

Upside: The miniature versions are fantastic.
Downside: The butter part of peanut butter.
Sugar high thoughts: My doctor hates me.

4. Kit Kat:

Upside: Divides into four bars.
Downside: Fingers covered in chocolate when you're done.
Sugar high thoughts: Same with face.

3. Junior Mints:

Upside: Better than York Peppermint Patties.
Downside: Not really a candy bar.
Sugar high thoughts: "It's chocolate, it's peppermint - it's delicious!"

2. Krackel:

Upside: Thicker, richer than Nestle Crunch.
Downside: More difficult to find.
Sugar high thoughts: Anyone know which came first?

1. Twix:

Upside: Eating everything on this list to verify this is the best.
Downside: Eating everything on this list to verify this is the best.
Sugar high thoughts: Defibrilllllllllllllllllators!!!

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/25/NS0LST39A.DTL

This article appeared on page G-3

in the dark

2007-10-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: In the Dark

Thursday, October 18, 2007

1. Eat dark chocolate:
Recommendation: Keep eating till you feel sick.
Benefits: You'll also be conserving energy when you pass out.
Requirements: One large box of dark chocolates.

2. Drink dark rum:
Recommendation: Wear an eye patch and drink it straight from the bottle.
Benefits: Pirate-like joy.
Requirements: One large bottle of Myer's.

3. Pretend you're Donnie Darko:
Recommendation: Make sure the bunny disappears when you're done.
Benefits: Cultlike following.
Requirements: An open mind.

4. Read Jim Thompson's "After Dark, My Sweet":
Recommendation: Watch the movie later.
Benefits: Makes you want to read more Jim Thompson.
Requirements: Ability to appreciate failure and doom.

5. Read Arthur Koestler's "Darkness at Noon":
Recommendation: Reread it when you're done.
Benefits: Causes you to ponder isolation, rendition, torture.
Requirements: One small flashlight.

6. Read "Batman: The Dark Knight Returns":
Recommendation: Contemplate Frank Miller's genius.
Benefits: Mild elation when you learn Maggie Gyllenhaal is in the 2008 movie.
Requirements: Comic book love.

7. Listen to "Dark Side of the Moon":
Recommendation: "Breathe, breathe in the air ... don't be afraid to care."
Benefits: Makes you feel like you're in high school again.
(Wait ... is that a benefit?)
Requirements: One set of very large headphones.

8. Listen to "Dark Star":
Recommendation: What? You wanted me to recommend something off "In the Dark"?
You can forget it, pal.
Benefits: Often followed by "St. Stephen."
Requirements: Paraphernalia.

9. Ponder the Mission's Dark Room Theater:
Recommendation: Go.
Benefits: Discovery (or rediscovery) of "Bad Movie Nights."
Requirements: Visit www.darkroomsf.com.

10. Ponder dark matter:
Recommendation: Keep some candles nearby.
Benefits: Discovery (or rediscovery) of a man named Fritz Zwicky.
Requirements: Ability to deal in hypotheticals.

11. Ponder chiaroscuro:
Recommendation: Look it up.
Benefits: Dark benefits light benefits dark.
Requirements: An artistic mind.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/18/NS78SP3K6.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

noise annoys

2007-10-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Noise Annoys

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

1. Fans cheering:

Sounds like: Roman times.
Upside: Cheering for the Red Sox.
Downside: Cheering for anyone else.
Annoying when: Groupthink devolves into mob mentality.

2. Blue Angels:

Sounds like: Macho something or other.
Upside: Only once a year.
Downside: Disagreement forbidden.
Annoying when: They fly through my kitchen.

3. The sound of one hand clapping:

Sounds like: America's current political landscape.
Upside: Democrats and Republicans equally annoying.
Downside: Apathy.
Annoying when: Newspapers fail to grasp public discontent.

4. Pigeons cooing:

Sounds like: Insanity.
Upside: None.
Downside: Awkward dancing, pooing.
Annoying when: Someone feeds them.

5. Garbage trucks:

Sounds like: Your brain being pried open at 5 a.m.
Upside: Trash is gone.
Downside: Trash isn't gone.
Annoying when: You can't go back to sleep.

6. Opera:

Sounds like: Life and death.
Upside: Life.
Downside: Death.
Annoying when: Your wineglass breaks on the high note.

7. Screaming lady downstairs:

Sounds like: Screaming lady downstairs.
Upside: She's having sex.
Downside: She's been having sex for the past hour.
Annoying when: She has sex for another hour after that.

8. Fingernails on the chalkboard:

Sounds like: A paper I wrote in college.
Upside: They're not your fingernails.
Downside: Terrible visceral feeling.
Annoying whenever you hear it.

9. N-Judah:

Sounds like: The train is finally arriving.
Upside: The train is finally arriving.
Downside: The soft bigotry of low expectations.
Annoying when: The train keeps right on going.

10. Sirens:

Sounds like: My neighborhood.
Upside: They're not coming for me.
Downside: The sirens have nothing to do with Greek mythology.
Annoying when: You hear them every single night.

11. Buzzcocks:

Sounds like: Punk.
Upside: They're still playing.
Downside: It's not 1975-1981 anymore.
Annoying when: Bands you love get older.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/10/NSFQSM66J.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

god bless america

2007-10-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2007

Op-Ed Columnist
Conservatives Are Such Jokers

By PAUL KRUGMAN

In 1960, John F. Kennedy, who had been shocked by the hunger he saw in West Virginia, made the fight against hunger a theme of his presidential campaign. After his election he created the modern food stamp program, which today helps millions of Americans get enough to eat.

But Ronald Reagan thought the issue of hunger in the world’s richest nation was nothing but a big joke. Here’s what Reagan said in his famous 1964 speech “A Time for Choosing,” which made him a national political figure: “We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry each night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet.”

Today’s leading conservatives are Reagan’s heirs. If you’re poor, if you don’t have health insurance, if you’re sick — well, they don’t think it’s a serious issue. In fact, they think it’s funny.

On Wednesday, President Bush vetoed legislation that would have expanded S-chip, the State Children’s Health Insurance Program, providing health insurance to an estimated 3.8 million children who would otherwise lack coverage.

In anticipation of the veto, William Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard, had this to say: “First of all, whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea. I’m happy that the president’s willing to do something bad for the kids.” Heh-heh-heh.

Most conservatives are more careful than Mr. Kristol. They try to preserve the appearance that they really do care about those less fortunate than themselves. But the truth is that they aren’t bothered by the fact that almost nine million children in America lack health insurance. They don’t think it’s a problem.

“I mean, people have access to health care in America,” said Mr. Bush in July. “After all, you just go to an emergency room.”

And on the day of the veto, Mr. Bush dismissed the whole issue of uninsured children as a media myth. Referring to Medicaid spending — which fails to reach many children — he declared that “when they say, well, poor children aren’t being covered in America, if that’s what you’re hearing on your TV screens, I’m telling you there’s $35.5 billion worth of reasons not to believe that.”

It’s not just the poor who find their travails belittled and mocked. The sick receive the same treatment.

Before the last election, the actor Michael J. Fox, who suffers from Parkinson’s and has become an advocate for stem cell research that might lead to a cure, made an ad in support of Claire McCaskill, the Democratic candidate for Senator in Missouri. It was an effective ad, in part because Mr. Fox’s affliction was obvious.

And Rush Limbaugh — displaying the same style he exhibited in his recent claim that members of the military who oppose the Iraq war are “phony soldiers” and his later comparison of a wounded vet who criticized him for that remark to a suicide bomber — immediately accused Mr. Fox of faking it. “In this commercial, he is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He is moving all around and shaking. And it’s purely an act.” Heh-heh-heh.

Of course, minimizing and mocking the suffering of others is a natural strategy for political figures who advocate lower taxes on the rich and less help for the poor and unlucky. But I believe that the lack of empathy shown by Mr. Limbaugh, Mr. Kristol, and, yes, Mr. Bush is genuine, not feigned.

Mark Crispin Miller, the author of “The Bush Dyslexicon,” once made a striking observation: all of the famous Bush malapropisms — “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family,” and so on — have involved occasions when Mr. Bush was trying to sound caring and compassionate.

By contrast, Mr. Bush is articulate and even grammatical when he talks about punishing people; that’s when he’s speaking from the heart. The only animation Mr. Bush showed during the flooding of New Orleans was when he declared “zero tolerance of people breaking the law,” even those breaking into abandoned stores in search of the food and water they weren’t getting from his administration.

What’s happening, presumably, is that modern movement conservatism attracts a certain personality type. If you identify with the downtrodden, even a little, you don’t belong. If you think ridicule is an appropriate response to other peoples’ woes, you fit right in.

And Republican disillusionment with Mr. Bush does not appear to signal any change in that regard. On the contrary, the leading candidates for the Republican nomination have gone out of their way to condemn “socialism,” which is G.O.P.-speak for any attempt to help the less fortunate.

So once again, if you’re poor or you’re sick or you don’t have health insurance, remember this: these people think your problems are funny.

recent headlines

2007-10-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: Recent Headlines

Thursday, October 4, 2007

1. "Woman Gives Birth to Own Grandchildren"

Note to self: Lay off the cough medicine.
Follow-up note: No really ...
Conclusion: Seriously.

2. "FDA Cracks Down on Cough Medicine Ingredient"

Note to self: Wow ... that was fast.
Follow-up note: Oh, right ...
Conclusion: The Patriot Act.

3. "Lindsay's Dad to Help After Rehab"

Note to self: His rehab?
Follow-up note: Her rehab?
Conclusion: Rehab needs rehab.

4. "College Daily's Vulgarity Is Now Free-Speech Issue"

Note to self: Can't write it.
Follow-up note: Can't think it.
Conclusion: Can't print it.

5. "Bush Struggles to Stay Relevant in Climate Debate"

Note to self: Wait a second ...
Follow-up note: He was relevant?
Conclusion: Well, I'll be damned.

6. "Bill Clinton Wades In to Defend Hillary's Reputation"

Note to self: Upside-down situation.
Follow-up note: Upside-down decade.
Conclusion: Perfect.

7. "China Bans Bra, Underwear, Sex Toy Ads"

Note to self: Macy's.
Follow-up note: American Apparel.
Conclusion: Good Vibrations.

8. "Mets Complete Stunning Collapse"

Note to self: Stunning?
Follow-up note: Not really.
Conclusion: It's the Mets.

9. "Supreme Court Faces an Array of Divisive Cases"

Note to self: Onion headline?
Follow-up note: No???
Conclusion: "Public Faces an Array of Obvious Headlines."

10. "French Mime Marcel Marceau Dies"

Note to self:
Follow-up note:
Conclusion:

11. "11 Things: Gridlock Edition"

Note to self: S'mores were being handed out to drivers during Critical Mass!
Follow-up note: Can't top that.
Conclusion: Nobody can.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/04/NSLASHRGS.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

critical mass

2007-09-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: Gridlock edition

Friday, September 28, 2007

To help you chill out while you wait for Critical Mass to pass by, Chronicle staff writer Tim Sullivan suggests:

1. Science: Understand that Earth is rotating at a little more than 1,000 miles an hour. Multiply this by the cosine of your latitude and realize you're actually moving much faster than you think.

2. Food: Have your dinner delivered directly to your car ... via bike messenger, of course.

3. Three words: Glove compartment inventory.

4. Three letters: NPR.

5. Diagnostics: Crank-call OnStar ... (continue until all the cyclists are gone).

6. Om: Ommmmmmmmmmm.

7. Music: Iron Maiden. Volume 11 ... (oh, wait ... we're supposed to be chillin').

8. Linguistics: Come up with new swear words. Realize it's much easier than you think.

9. Sex: Briefly ponder former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. Repent.

10. Irony: Read the newspaper (paying particularly close attention to this list ... and the fact that I don't own a car).

11. Life: Breathe in and out. There. Like that.

Read Tim Sullivan's "11 Things" every Thursday in The Chronicle's 96 Hours section. E-mail: tsullivan@sfchronicle.com.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/28/MNTVSFIOU.DTL

This article appeared on page A - 1 of the San Francisco Chronicle

libra

2007-09-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Libra

Thursday, September 27, 2007

1. Philosophy: Libra sees both sides of everything.
Libra also sees both sides of seeing both sides of everything.
Libra is unhappy about seeing both sides of seeing both sides of everything.
Libra is happy to tell you this.

2. Politics: Libra is diplomatic, well balanced and appreciative.
Libra is indecisive, immovable and uncertain.
Libra has called for a confidential, closed-door meeting between both sides of Libra.
Libra believes we can work it out.

3. Festivals: Libra counts at least 25 fairs and festivals in the Bay Area this weekend.
Libra says there's so much to do, Libra can't decide.
Libra decides not deciding is not a good decision.
Libra decides to attend them all.

4. Personality: Libra is modest and confident.
Libra is vain and tentative.
Libra doesn't care what you think.
Libra is curious what you think about this.

5. Life: Libra is a wise old man.
Libra is an energetic young child.
Libra is a wise young child.
Libra is an energetic old man.

6. Nightlife: Libra wants to get in bed at 9 p.m. and sleep until noon ...
(after someone reads Libra a good bedtime story).
Libra wants to get in bed at 9 a.m. and sleep until midnight ...
(after dancing all night to music about a good bedtime story).

7. Film: Libra really enjoyed "... And Justice for All."
Libra thinks it's an injustice that Al Pacino didn't win an Oscar for his early films.
Libra believes giving him an Oscar for a mediocre later film didn't make up for this.
Libra feels like Tony Montana now.

8. Current Events: Libra wants to flee the United States.
Libra wants to stay and improve things.
Libra lives somewhere between could and should.
Libra lives in San Francisco.

9. Music: Libra thinks Patsy Cline's "Crazy" is just as crazy as Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy."
Libra thinks Heart's "Crazy on You" isn't all that crazy.
Libra thinks it's not even as crazy as "Barracuda."
Libra thinks it doesn't matter 'cause Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" is crazier than all the others combined.

10. Writing: Libra believes everything Libra just wrote here.
Libra doesn't believe a single word of it.
Libra confuses ...
Libra.

11. Astrology: Libra laughs.
Libra snorts.
Libra giggles.
Libra cavorts.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/27/NSHTSDPFU.DTL
This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

i've been tired

2007-09-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

9/9 dinosaur jr.
9/19 cat power
9/23 bad brains
9/25 !!!
10/8 turbonegro

we admit

2007-09-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

11 Things: We Admit ...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

1. That summer never ends in San Francisco ... and it rarely begins.

2. We really have no idea where Tom Stienstra is.

3. We're permanently conflicted about whether or not to list the Collector's Gallery of the Oakland Museum under galleries or museums.

4. We're caught up in so many social networking sites right now, we no longer have time to be social.

5. We don't always have time to write back to every person who writes in. Most of the time this is because ...

a) we're on the phone (with our lawyer)

b) we're in a meeting (to determine when we should hold our next meeting)

c) we're deleting spam (at a slower pace than the spam arrives) or

d) we're forwarding your e-mails (to a more "appropriate" department).

6. Most items in 5d eventually get forwarded back to us (and we forward them again).

7. We also don't have time because ...

e) we're sunbathing on the roof

f) we're hiding from Nevada law enforcement

g) we're playing soccer in the hallway or

h) we're reading the newspaper in the bathroom.

8. Our defense of item 7h as "work-related" may not be entirely defensible.

9. We're high as a kite right now ... on iced coffee.

10. We occasionally ponder the idea of our own Letters to the Editor section, but some of you actually seem fairly mean.

11. That summer never begins in San Francisco ... and it rarely ends.

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/20/NSASS7RKK.DTL

backhand(ed compliments)

2007-09-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Backhand(ed Compliments)

Thursday, September 13, 2007

1. Nice clothes: Like when your girlfriend tells you she'll be doing her laundry this Saturday ...

and you tell her, "That sounds like fun."

2. Nice selection: Like when you're on a long road trip with your parents ...

and they control the radio.

3. Niiice: Like when guys are talking to each other about anything ... or girls are talking to each other ...

about guys.

4. Nice reading: Like when your cousin mentions he reads Playboy for the articles and your other cousin says,

"Yeah, they're quite informative."

5. Nice dancing: Like ...

Britney.

6. Nice hair: Like...

Paris.

7. Nice job: Like when you were channel surfing the other day and came upon the president thanking the Austrian troops ...

in Australia.

8. Nice try: Like when others can't recall why they forgave the politicians who can't recall and no one can recall and ...

can't we just recall them all?

9. Nice people: Like the smile on your face when you're communicating with a TSA agent at the airport ... right after he made you throw away your morning coffee ...

and patted down your niece.

10. Nice architecture: Like when someone tells you how much they really love that new building going up downtown and you say "Yeah, it's exciting ...

like a brand new tube of toothpaste."

11. Nice like: Like when you tell someone ...

"Yeah, like that."

- Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/13/NSO2S3FOI.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

dog days of summer

2007-08-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Dog days of summer

Thursday, August 23, 2007

1. "Bulldog Front" (Fugazi, "13 Songs")

"My analysis: it's time to harvest the crust from your eyes ..."

Theme: General awareness.
Dedicated to: Generals (and the general population).

2. "Bulldog Skin" (Guided by Voices, "Mag Earwhig!")

"I heard the sound of certain trouble on the way ..."

Theme: General toughness.
Dedicated to: Anyone (who's ever been picked on).

3. "Dogs" (Pink Floyd, "Animals")

"And after a while, you can work on points for style/ Like the club tie, and the firm handshake/ A certain look in the eye and an easy smile ..."

Theme: General management.
Dedicated to: Suits (and ties).

4. "Dog Eat Dog" (AC/DC, "Let There Be Rock")

"It's a lie/ That's the truth ..."

Theme: General competition.
Dedicated to: A time when rock ROCKED (and Bon Scott).

5. "Too Many Puppies" (Primus, "Frizzle Fry")

"Too many puppies with guns in their hands/ Too many puppies in foreign lands ..."

Theme: General insanity.
Dedicated to: El Sobrante.

6. "Jingle of a Dog's Collar" (Butthole Surfers, "Electriclarryland")

"What do they know about love ..."

Theme: General addiction.
Dedicated to: Dedication.

7. "Hair of the Dog" (Bauhaus, "Mask")

"The man who was merciless tortured by thoughts/ Kept on thinking/ The man who was crippled with concern/ Kept on caring ..."

Theme: Genuine conundrums.
Dedicated to: Writers (who write to stop writing).

8. "Black Dog" (Led Zeppelin, "Led Zeppelin IV")

"Didn't take too long 'fore I found out/ What people mean by down and out ..."

Theme: General desperation.
Dedicated to: Lez Zeppelin (and Dread Zeppelin).

9. "I Wanna Be Your Dog" (The Stooges, "The Stooges")

"And now I'm ready to close my mind/ And now I'm ready to feel your hand ..."

Theme: Generally can't explain it here.
Dedicated to: Lovers (and dog lovers).

10. "Rain Dogs" (Tom Waits, "Rain Dogs")

"Inside a broken clock, splashing the wine with all the rain dogs/ Taxi, we'd rather walk, huddle a doorway with the rain dogs ..."

Theme: Genuinely (lost).
Dedicated to: Being (found).

11. "Hound Dog" (Elvis Presley, B-side of "Don't Be Cruel")

"Ya, they said you was high classed/ well, that was just a lie ..."

Theme: Genuine blues.
Dedicated to: The hound dogs who were about to write (and tell me all about Big Mama Thornton, Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller).

-Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/08/23/NSDIRLUHU.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

comments on commenting

2007-08-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: Comments on commenting

Thursday, August 16, 2007

1. Too few: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? - Bishop George Berkeley

Comment: It does.

Comment on comment: Doesn't it?

2. Too many: "A point of view can be a dangerous luxury when substituted for insight and understanding." - Marshall McLuhan

Comment: Then again, there's really no such thing as too many ...

Comment on comment: unless they're all coming from the same person.

3. Anonymous: "The lowest form of cowardly behavior is the negative anonymous commenter. Even Hitler put his name next to his f--up beliefs." - Tony Pierce, blogger, editor of LAist.

Comment: Perhaps ...

Comment on comment: but we still think chicken hawks are lower.

4. Repeat: "If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play and Z keeping your mouth shut." - Albert Einstein

Comment: "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix

Comment on comment: Wisdom listens to Hendrix.

5. Love: "I know there's a place you walked/ Where love falls from the trees/ My heart is like a broken cup/ I only feel right on my knees."

Comment: "Who Are You?"

Comment on comment: The Who.

6. Hate: "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us." - Hermann Hesse

Comment: "Hell is other people." - Sartre

Comment on comment: "If you don't have anything nice to say ..." - Mom

7. Invisible: "No man ever steps in the same river twice." - Heraclitus

Comment: Be patient.

Comment on comment: Duplicate comments are more annoying than none.

8. Deleted: "I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." - Xenocrates

Comment: I've often regretted both.

Comment on comment: Think before you type.

9. ALL CAPS: "What about ALL CAPS? People tell me to stop doing that, but I talk in ALL CAPS. Why wouldn't I type in ALL CAPS, because it looks more like it's chiseled in stone that way?" - Stephen Colbert (chatting with author Will Schwalbe)

Comment: CAPS are like honking ...

Comment on comment: and about as useful.

10. Allowing links: "A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn." - Dave Barry

Comment: "A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction." - J.G. Ballard

Comment on comment: We prefer to not go extinct.

11. Comment on Comments on Commenting: "Hi."

Comment: Please feel free to.

Comment on comment: Please feel free to do that too.

-Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/08/15/NSAORI9RO.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

studies have shown

2007-08-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Studies have shown

Thursday, August 9, 2007

1. People have sex because it feels good

Later studies showed:

We eat because we're hungry.

We sleep because we're tired.

We dress because we need pockets.

2. Gambling is addictive

We're willing to bet the studies are wrong, but first:

Can we borrow some money?

Can we borrow a little more?

OK ... just a little bit more?

3. People want more public services but don't want to pay for them

Follow-up studies confirmed that people also want:

A bigger piece of the pie.

To have their cake and eat it too.

To live the good life.

4. People like to complain about traffic

Further studies revealed that Americans:

Drive large vehicles.

Make oil companies rich.

Don't realize nobody can hear them when they scream inside their cars.

5. Men talk as much as women

Additional studies suggested that:

Men and women disagree with this assessment.

Men and women disagree that they disagree.

Men and women disagree on a good time to discuss this disagreement.

6. Venting of problems can depress girls further

Further studies alluded to the fact that:

Further venting leads to further depression about venting.

Further depression leads to further venting about depression.

It depresses guys further too, but only if they listen.

7. Sex trafficking is spreading HIV

Further studies indicated that STDs:

Are transmitted.

Are transmitted via sex.

Are diseases.

8. A happy workplace leads to more productivity

Too bad:

There's no such thing.

Now stop reading this and ...

Get back to work.

9. There's too much celebrity coverage

Yet:

Celebrity coverage continues to be popular.

Celebrities are covered because they're celebrities.

They're celebrities because they're covered.

10. The word gullibility is not in the dictionary

I checked:

It wasn't.

See?

Exactly.

11. Studies show many things

Further studies:

Verified this.

Contradicted this.

Clearly demonstrated that further studies will be needed.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/08/09/NSL5RDNK8.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

chasing chasing

2007-08-02T00:07:00.001-07:00

11 Things: Chasing Chasing

Thursday, August 2, 2007

1. Kids

Kids chasing caterpillars.

Kids catching caterpillars.

Caterpillars releasing butterflies.

Kids chasing butterflies chasing kids.

2. Cats

Kitties chasing tails.

Kitties catching tails.

Kitties releasing tails.

Kitties chasing tails chasing kitties.

3. Games

Barry chasing HR record.*

Barry catching HR record.*

Bud Selig releasing awkward statement.*

Someone else chasing Barry chasing HR record.*

4. Love

People chasing people.

People catching people.

People releasing hormones.

People chasing people chasing people.

5. Cops

Police chasing thieves.

Police catching thieves.

D.A. releasing thieves.

Police chasing thieves chasing police.

6. Transportation

Commuters chasing Muni.

Commuters catching Muni.

Commuters releasing frustration.

Commuters chasing taxis chasing commuters.

7. Film

Bullitt chasing hit men.

Bullitt catching hit men.

Explosions releasing explosions.

Bullitt chasing hit men chasing Bullitt.

8. Politics

America chasing bin Laden.

America catching Hussein.

Noose releasing Hussein.

America chasing amnesia chasing America.

9. Truth

Reporters chasing stories.

Reporters catching stories.

Government not releasing facts.

Reporters chasing government chasing reporters.

10. Words

Writers chasing dreams.

Writers catching dreams.

Reality releasing screams.

Reality chasing writers chasing dreams.

11. Life

Mortality chasing people.

Mortality catching people.

Mortality releasing people.

Adults chasing kids chasing adults.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/08/02/NSQORAUN22.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

brevity

2007-07-26T10:45:00.001-07:00

11 THINGS: BREVITY

Thursday, July 26, 2007

1. Words

"The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do."

- Thomas Jefferson

Translation: True.

2. Speaking

"If I am to speak ten minutes, I need a week for preparation; if fifteen minutes, three days; if half an hour, two days; if an hour, I am ready now."

- Woodrow Wilson

Translation: If I am to comprehend any of this, I need a good, stiff drink.

3. Humor

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

- William Shakespeare

Translation: Ha.

4. Love

"Brevity may be the soul of wit, but not when someone's saying 'I love you.'"

- Judith Viorst

Translation: And not when someone has written a book called "Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day."

5. Clothing

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

- Dorothy Parker

Translation: Hush.

6. Understanding

"Brevity is very good, when we are, or are not, understood."

- Samuel Butler

Translation: Understood.

7. Music

"I like short songs."

- Jello Biafra

Translation: I like Jello.

8. Sincerity

"Be sincere; be brief; be seated."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Translation: Be quiet.

9. Choice

"Choose well, your choice is brief, and yet endless."

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Translation: Whoops.

10. Art

"I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished and he sat down."

- Edward Wilson

Translation: Best. Speech. Ever.

11. Ambition

"It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Translation: Or 11.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/26/NSN4R6PEE2.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

denial

2007-07-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Denial

Thursday, July 19, 2007

1. Refusing to admit error:

Who: Everyone.
What: Accepting blame.
Why: Because it's someone else's fault.
See: No. 8.

2. Refusing to act one's age:

Who: Older people.
What: Behaving like younger people.
Why: Because 50 is the new 40 is the new 30 is the new 20.
See: No. 4.

3. Refusing to accept losing:

Who: The Giants.
What: Giving Sabean a two-year contract extension.
Why: Why???!!!!
See: No. 1.

4. Refusing to accept pain:

Who: Drinkers, drug users, hedonists, hippies.
What: Pleasure.
Why: Because it feels good.
See: No. 2.

5. Refusing to accept responsibility:

Who: Me?
What: I don't know.
Why: Why are you asking me?
See: No. 7.

6. Refusing to accept reality:

Who: The legislative branch.
What: The executive branch.
Why: Delusion.
See: No. 9.

7. Refusing to listen:

Who: Who said that?
What: Exactly.
Why: Ego.
See: No. 10.

8. Refusing to speak:

Who: Can't say.
What: No comment.
Why: Lawyers.
See: No. 5.

9. Refusing to be serious:

Who: The media.
What: Puppies and kittens.
Why: Because they're cute.
See: No. 6.

10. Refusing to do anything:

Who: Society.
What: Politics.
Why: Ignorance is bliss.
See: America.

11. Refusing to bite:

Who: You.
What: Denying denial.
Why: 'Cause I'm right.
See: what I mean.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/19/NSGRHR08UP1.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

the french connection

2007-07-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

11 THINGS: The French Connection

Thursday, July 12, 2007

1. Bastille Day: "Bastille." It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison." -Ed Helms

La réponse: Laughter.

2. Parisians: "To err is human. To loaf is Parisian." -Victor Hugo

La réponse: Or Californian.

3. France: "I have tried to lift France out of the mud. But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I cannot prevent the French from being French." -Charles de Gaulle

La réponse: It's OK, Charles. I can't prevent the Americans from being Americans either.

4. French: "In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language." -Mark Twain

La réponse: "Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything."
-Steve Martin

5. Drinking: "Other countries drink to get drunk, and this is accepted by everyone; in France, drunkenness is a consequence, never an intention. A drink is felt as the spinning out of a pleasure, not as the necessary cause of an effect which is sought: wine is not only a philtre, it is also the leisurely act of drinking." -Roland Barthes

La réponse: Snobbishness is a consequence, never an intention.

6. Desire: "The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man." -Madame de Staël

La réponse: The desire of the columnist is for Madame de Staël to visit San Francisco.

7. Money: "France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." -Billy Wilder

La réponse: Merde alors!

8. Knowledge: "Generally speaking, the people who know little speak a lot and the people who know a lot speak little." -Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

La réponse: Shh.

9. Friendship: "Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

La réponse: Or at least pay for the bloody cab.

10. Politics: "It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong." -Voltaire

La réponse: It is dangerous to be adding this one.

11. Existence: "I think; therefore I am." -René Descartes

La réponse: I think I think; therefore I think I am.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/12/NSGMGQS1AA1.DTL

summer reading in hell

2007-07-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Summer Reading in Hell

Thursday, July 5, 2007

1. "I'm OK, You're OK" (by Thomas Anthony Harris)

Prologue: Read "I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger and Create a Relationship" (by Dale V. Atkins).
Epilogue: Read "I'm OK, You're a Pain in the Neck" (by Albert Voorspan).

2. "Britney & Lynne Spears: A Mother's Gift" (by Britney and Lynne Spears)

Prologue: Stop laughing.
Epilogue: Resume laughing.

3. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the CIA" (by Allan Swenson and Michael Benson)

Prologue: Don't believe what they say or what you think you believe they might have said.
Epilogue: Don't believe what I say or what I think I believe I might have said.

4. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Lean Six Sigma" (by the Breakthrough Management Group and Neil DeCarlo)

Prologue: Figure out what the hell Lean Six Sigma is.
Epilogue: Don't confuse it with Sigma Six.

5. "The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Living on a Budget" (by Peter J. Sander and Jennifer Basye Sander)

Prologue: Don't buy this book.
Epilogue: Use savings for beer.

6. "I'm Glad I Look Like a ... Terrorist" (by Ray Hanania)

Prologue: Don't read on flights.
Epilogue: Don't read anywhere really.

7. "His Pregnant Nurse" (Harlequin Romance, by Laura Iding)

Prologue: Figure out what exactly happened.
Epilogue: Hire a good lawyer.

8. "Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue in Chic Peek Behind the Pose" (by Paris Hilton)

Prologue: Barf.
Epilogue: Clean up barf.

9. "The Woman Who Pretended to Be Who She Was" (by Wendy Doniger)

Prologue: Try to determine who she pretended to be.
Epilogue: Wait. What?

10. "The 2004 Annual Defense Report to the President and the Congress" (by Donald H. Rumsfeld)

Prologue: Verify how much you paid in taxes in 2004.
Epilogue: Swear at the top of your lungs.

11. "Depression for Dummies" (by Laura L. Smith and Charles H. Elliott)

Prologue: Skim through it briefly.
Epilogue: Find out when "Happiness for Dummies" will be back in stock.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/05/NSGNKQN2IM1.DTL

paranoia

2007-06-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Paranoia

Thursday, June 28, 2007

1. Money: You always say yes to ATM receipts because you're absolutely certain the bank will permanently screw up your account if you don't.

Addendum: Your bank account's an absolute mess anyway -- and has been ever since account summaries became available online.

2. Travel: You recently sent your passport renewal off in the U.S. mail.

Addendum: You are planning to leave the country in July.

3. Identity: You have an extra shredder for the shredded documents you just put through your shredder.

Addendum: You are seriously thinking of buying another.

4. Freedom: You hear fireworks and automatically assume that someone is firing at you.

Addendum: You live in the Mission, Western Addition, Hunters Point or the Tenderloin.

5. Public transit: You are frequently reminded of the fact that BART bathrooms are closed and may not ever open again.

Addendum: You are frequently reminded of this fact while riding in a BART elevator.

6. Vanity: You are just now beginning to realize every mirror you've ever looked at might actually be two-way.

Addendum: You are staring at a mirror as you realize this.

7. News: Your main news source is broadcast rather than print.

Addendum: Your main news source is Bill O'Reilly rather than print.

8. Drugs: You are reminded of "GoodFellas" every time you hear a helicopter in the sky.

Addendum: You are sweating profusely right now.

9. Neighbors: You are awakened late one night by your downstairs neighbor screaming the word "mother."

Addendum: You don't have a downstairs neighbor.

10. Music: Your music collection? All speed metal, all the time.

Addendum: Your diet? All coffee, all the time.

11. Work: You're the mayor of San Francisco, Supervisor Chris Daly, Supervisor Ed Jew or the manager or general manager of the San Francisco Giants.

Addendum: Or maybe you're just another average person working at a newspaper in the United States of America.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/28/NSGMRQLD5T1.DTL

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

boys will be girls

2007-06-21T00:05:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Boys Will Be Girls

Thursday, June 21, 2007

1. "Lola," the Kinks

Proof: "When she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine."
Gayness: "It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola."
Mates with: "All Day and All of the Night."
On bad days: "Destroyer."

2. "Walk on the Wild Side," Lou Reed

Proof: "Shaved her legs and then he was a she ..."
Gayness: Bowie co-produced the album.
Mates with: "Satellite of Love."
On bad days: "Dirty Boulevard."

3. "All the Young Dudes," Mott the Hoople

Proof: "Now Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen ..."
Gayness: Bowie wrote the song.
Mates with: T. Rex.
On bad days: "Ziggy Stardust."

4. "Rough Boys," Pete Townshend

Proof: "Tough boys/ Come over here/ I wanna bite and kiss you ..."
Gayness: Townshend admitted, then didn't, then said it didn't matter.
Mates with: "Slit Skirts."
On bad days: "Let My Love Open the Door."

5. "At the Gay Bar," Electric Six

Proof: The entire song.
Gayness: At the gay bar.
Mates with: Everyone.
On bad days: Everyone else.

6. "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!" X-Ray Spex

Proof: Oh Bondage.
Gayness: Up Yours!
Mates with: the Sex Pistols.
On bad days: "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick."

7. "Over the Rainbow," Judy Garland

Proof: "Somewhere over the rainbow."
Gayness: The rainbow.
Mates with: Toto.
On bad days: Kansas.

8. "Fernando," Abba

Proof: In the song titles.
Gayness: In the band.
Mates with: "Dancing Queen."
On bad days: "Chiquitita."

9. "Take Your Mama," Scissor Sisters

Proof: "It's a struggle/ Livin' like a good boy oughta ..."
Gayness: Ask your mama.
Mates with: the Bee Gees.
On bad days: Supertramp.

10. "Jet Boy, Jet Girl," Elton Motello

Proof: Can't explain it here.
Gayness: It's all in your head.
Mates with: Chron Gen.
On bad days: the Damned.

11. Duran Duran

Proof: Duran.
Gayness: Duran.
Mates with: Duran.
On bad days: Duran.

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle

worst. dads. ever.

2007-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

1. Tony Soprano:

Guilty of: Committing every deadly sin in the book.

Redeeming qualities: Cool dreams, often hilarious, last seen having dinner with family.

2. Jack Bauer:

Guilty of: Being permanently stressed, fighting terror with terror, never eating, never going to the bathroom, always putting family second.

Redeeming qualities: Comic book hero, continually saving planet, dad on show is worse, dad in real life is cool.

3. Dick Cheney:

Guilty of: General humorlessness, not supporting lesbian rights despite daughter being lesbian.

Redeeming qualities: Unafraid to swear, leaving office soon.

4. Bill Clinton:

Guilty of: Confusing philandering with philanthropy, reintroducing Fleetwood Mac to populace.

Redeeming qualities: First black president, skilled with sax, last president to speak in complete sentences.

5. Al Bundy:

Guilty of: Blaming family for most of what goes wrong in his life.

Redeeming qualities: Daughter played by Christina Applegate.

6. Richard Schlichting (Alan Alda's character in "Flirting With Disaster."):

Guilty of: Being a careless acid farmer, making adopted children not want to search for birth parents.

Redeeming qualities: Wife's character played by Lily Tomlin.

7. Homer Simpson:

Guilty of: Sloth, lethargy, too many doughnuts, too much Duff.

Redeeming qualities: Introduced rooftop chimney grilling to public.

8. Frank Costanza:

Guilty of: Being more concerned with Steinbrenner trading Jay Buhner than apparent death of son, fathering son in the first place.

Redeeming qualities: Introduced "Serenity now!" to public.

9. Charlie Sheen:

Guilty of: Often being mentioned in same breath as Heidi Fleiss, coke addiction, accidentally shooting fiancee, appearing in "Terminal Velocity."

Redeeming qualities: Appeared as self in "Being John Malkovich," cool dad.

10. Adam:

Guilty of: Eating fruit from tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Redeeming qualities: Rib formed Eve.

11. Father Time:

Guilty of: Mortality, decay, rot, erosion, amnesia, gray hair, bellies and balding.

Redeeming qualities: Sunsets remain interesting, newspapers stay fresh.

Tim Sullivan, tsullivan@sfchronicle.com

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/14/NSGV5QC9FE1.DTL

beyond street view

2007-06-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

11 Things: Beyond Street View

Thursday, June 7, 2007

1. Google Merge

Essentially: Merges the real world with the virtual world, making them utterly indistinguishable.

Pros: Allergies cured. Avatars improved dramatically.
Cons: Sim City declares bankruptcy. Live music no longer interesting.

2. Google Mindreader

Essentially: Reads your mind.

Pros: Click left arrow, get angelic thoughts. Click straight ahead, get food.
Cons: Click right arrow, get devilish thoughts. Click reverse, apologize.

3. Google Stethoscope

Essentially: Google Street View with a microphone.
Pros: Doves cooing.
Cons: Crack addicts screaming.

4. Google Jukebox

Essentially: Every song ever recorded on a jukebox.
Pros: Insane variety.
Cons: Yanni, Zamfir and Christian rock.

5. Google Animal View

Essentially: Google Street View with mini cameras on the heads of animals.

Pros: Better variety of images and angles.
Cons: Many animals don't return.

6. Google Bedroom View

Essentially: Google Street View with X-ray vision.

Pros: Web traffic explodes.
Cons: Grandparents making love.

7. Google Night Vision

Essentially: Google Street View with night vision goggles.

Pros: Chance to say "Google Goggles" more frequently.
Cons: Slightly militaristic.

8. Google MUNI

Essentially: Google Street View on the bus.

Pros: You learn how impossibly crowded the bus is before it arrives.
Cons: You learn how impossibly crowded the bus is before it arrives.

9. Google Grassy Knoll

Essentially: Determines who shot JFK.

Pros: Ends the debate once and for all.
Cons: Ends Oliver Stone's career once and for all.

10. Google Microsoft

Essentially: Google swallows up Microsoft.

Pros: PCs finally become user-friendly.
Cons: Google later swallows up Coke, Pepsi, the moon, the stars, the sun, your existence and all the tea in China.

11. Google Google

Essentially: You and a few thousand close friends show up at Google headquarters to take a few million photos (then upload them onto the Web).

Pros: Google staffers captured doing questionable things.
Cons: The inevitable double standard of Google asking you to cease and desist.

This article appeared on page G - 3 of the San Francisco Chronicle